Post your funny here!

by misspeaches 45 Replies latest social humour

• 

  moshe

  A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
  
  St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
  
  "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
  
  "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
  
  "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
  
  St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
  
  "Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.
  
  "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

  makes sense to me-

  Moshe
• 

  misspeaches

  1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

  2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

  3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

  4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

  5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

  6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

  7. I've run away to join a different circus.

  AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:

  8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Margaret' instead of 'Steve'.
• 

  misspeaches

  Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyse the situation.

  • If they are counting the bricks. Put them in the accounts department.
  • If they are recounting them. Put them in auditing.
  • If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks. Put them in engineering.
  • If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order. Put them in planning.
  • If they are throwing the bricks at each other. Put them in operations.
  • If they are sleeping. Put them in reception
  • If they have broken the bricks into pieces. Put them in information technology.
  • If they are sitting idle. Put them in human resources.
  • If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved. Put them in sales.
  • If they have already left for the day. Put them in marketing.
  • If they are staring out of the window. Put them on strategic planning.

  And then last but not least.

  • If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved. Congratulate them and put them in top management
• 

  JH
• 

  Think

  How many JW are needed to convert one poor soul ? 1,000 !

  How many people left borg because of one JW ? 10,000 !
• 

  misspeaches

  The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourist website and the answers are actual responses by the website officials who obviously have a great sense of humour. Enjoy!

  • Q. 1 Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do plants grow? (UK)
  • A. We import all plants fully grown, then sit around drinking Beer and watch them slowly die.
  • Q. 2 Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
  • A. Depends on how much you've been drinking.
  • Q. 3 I want to walk from Perth to Sydney. Can I follow a railway track? (Canada)
  • A. Sure, it's only 3000 miles; take plenty of water and a tent.
  • Q. 4 Is it safe to run around the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
  • A. So, it's true what they say about Swedes.
  • Q. 5 Are there many ATM's in Australia? If so, can you send me a List of them in Brisbane, Melbourne, Adelaide, Sydney and Perth? (Ireland)
  • A. What did your last slave die of?
  • Q. 6 Can you give me information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
  • A. A-fri-ca is a big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that very big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not.....oh forget it! Sure, there's hippo racing every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, Sydney. Come naked!
    Q. 7 Which direction is north in Australia? (USA)
  • A. Face south then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get Here and we'll send you the rest of the directions.
  • Q. 8 Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (Germany)
  • A. Why? Use your fingers like we do.
  • Q. 9 Can you please send me the schedule of the Vienna Boys Choir? (USA)
  • A. Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is.....oh forget it! Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday
    night straight after the hippo racing. Come naked!
  • Q. 10 Can I wear high heels in Australia? (Japan)
  • A. You are a Japanese politician, right?
  • Q. 11 Please send me a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
  • A. Rattlesnakes live in Am-er-ica which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are harmless, can be handled safely by Americans and
    Make excellent pets.
  • Q. 12 Are there any supermarkets in Sydney and do they sell fresh Milk all year round? (Finland)
  • A. No! We are a peaceful civilisation of vegans. Milk is illegal.
  • Q. 13 I have a question about a famous Australian animal that lives In trees, but I have forgotten it's name. I think it's a kind of bear. (USA)
  • A. It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You
    can keep them off by spraying yourself with human urine. We recommend that You should always do this before going out for a walk.
  • Q. 14 Do they sell perfume in Australia? (France)
  • A. No! WE don't stink.
  • Q. 15 I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Please tell me where I can sell it in Australia. (USA)
  • A. Anywhere where there are significant numbers of Americans.
  • Q. 16 Can you tell me the region in Tasmania where the female Population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
  • A. Yes! Gay nightclubs.
  • Q. 17 Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (USA)
  • A. Only at Christmas.
  • Q. 18 I was in Australia in 1969 on holiday and I want to contact a girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help please? (UK)
  • A. Yes and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
  • Q. 19 Will I be able to speak English in most places in Australia? (USA)
  • A. Yes, but you will have to learn it first.