NEW YORK, NY-- After years of successful door-todoor campaigns, the Jehovah's Witnesses today announced that they will apply their relentless recruitment techniques to finding and converting Public Enemy Number One, Osama Bin Laden. Tobias Winson, the director for Kingdom Hall, North America division, offered the church's most aggressive, diligent recruiters to fly to Afghanistan as part of a "special mission from Jehovah." In his press statement, Winson outlined the nature of this quest. "We are committed to bringing the Light of Jehovah to Osama, a troubled soul in search of the mercy of Jehovah. Osama must find Jehovah and bear witness. To Jehovah." While U.S. Special Forces have often just knocked once on Afghan cave doors before quickly moving to the next cave, Winson reassured America that the Jehovah's Witnesses would keep trying, no matter how cold the reception. "We fully expect the same treatment good-hearted Americans present to us: slammed doors, false claims of vacancy, and profanity-laced rejections. We vow to stay even if Osama says that he's on the phone, that the kids are asleep, that his henchmen will shoot us in the head, or that he has a cold. We don't care about catching the cold," added Winson. "We persist so that Jehovah may prevail." Although Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld did not attend the press conference, he released an appreciative statement reading, "All of us at the Pentagon are grateful for your noble efforts during these most trying times. You do a tremendous service to our great country. Now please get the hell off my porch." |