My wife is a JW, I'm not.

by Mrgij01 36 Replies latest jw experiences

• 

  Clam

  Welcome Mr G

  love my wife dearly, but I am becoming more and more wary of her dependance on the JW organixation and the watchtowers, rather than Christ.

  It's very interesting that you should see this. The Watchtower Society sees itself as a prophet. It's a false one of course "deceiving many". As a christian I'm sure you have much angst that this cult is putting itself in between your wife and her relationship with her creator. Follow the advice here and keep it quiet that you're speaking to people on this forum. It's awful that you have to keep anything from your wife but it may teach you how to subtely approach her on matters of religion without upsetting her. But please understand that the WTS is not only standing in the way of her and God but also between her and you.

  All the best . . .
• 

  Check_Your_Premises

  Welcome!!! You will find many friends here.

  Being with a JW can be a very lonely, and difficult thing. Everyone who is a jw has a need to see the org in the best possible light. Therefore, any concerns or difficulties you have will be dismissed outright. Anybody who is not a jw will just not understand what the hell you are talking about. So when you try to explain your problems with having a jw spouse, they will just not "get it".

  Before anybody here can help you, it might be good for you to tell us more about yourself. What are you hoping to accomplish here? What is your attitude toward the jw? Do you have children with your wife? That is probably the most important question I could ask you. If you don't have children I would highly recommend NOT having them unless you are completely comfortable with them being a jw or if you become a jw yourself or if you plan on trying to talk your wife out of being a jw.

  I can't spend to much time on the boards today, but I will try to answer any questions you have. Most importantly I hope that you can get some control over your situation.

  CYP
• 

  jgnat

  
  Hi! While I was sleeping, I see that carla and others did an excellent job of introducing you to our little UBM (Unbelieving Mate) community. I am very glad that your wife's family has been so accepting.

  Stop trying to make sense of the Watchtower religion. It doesn't. They pick and choose what is forbidden in order to maintain better control over their believers.

  I find it interesting that your wife gets very quiet whenever you question her about her beliefs. I believe she has never deeply examined her faith, and to do so would open a pandora's box. I think you sense this.

  I think an excellent start in establishing a stronger spiritual bond between you two is to start a weekly bible study. I suggest you start with the book of John, and ask that your wife put aside her watchtower materials as you study together. I suggest an inductive bible study method, where you ask yourselves questions about the chapter under study. Your wife might be very suspicious of OTHER study materials, so perhaps just take some informal notes before you get together.

  Link to inductive bible study:

  http://sites.silaspartners.com/CC_Content_Page/0,,PTID34418%7CCHID629814,00.html

  The idea behind a personal study is to encourage independent thinking. And to provide a safe framework for your wife to explore her own beliefs.
• 

  TheListener

  Hello and welcome to the forum mrgij01. I'll call you mr g from now on if you don't mind.

  I hope you find this an interesting and informative corner of the web.

  I was an active witness when I married and have slowly become inactive over the last 3 years. Like many others here I've had various levels of responsiblity and have served at the world headquarters (bethel).

  Since it seems that your wife doesn't have the answers to many of your questions I suggest you ask and research here first. When helping someone learn to think for themselves (and believe it or not that is what you'll be doing) the best first position is knowing the answers they should be providing you. You need to become familiar with what occurs at the meetings and what is being taught there. Remembering that individual witnesses are good loving people (most of the time) who are being mislead by others. Keeping that in mind helps me not get angry with individual witnesses who are merely doing what they've been taught it right. The key is to unteach them.

  Good luck to you. I'm glad that you and your wife have a good relationship. You'll need to keep that strong, because that is your base or foundation for whatever may come next.
• 

  Check_Your_Premises

  Jgnat makes an excellent suggestion. Since you are a Christian you have a deep appreciation for the power of God's word.

  I can't tell you enough how fruitful Bible studies with a JW can be.

  A big key to this is the fact that you and your wife have a different, and due to JW toxicity, competing faiths. THe first thing you want to do is adopt an extremely humble attitude. Consistently be honest (accomodate new facts and ideas that contradict your paradigm) and honor truth wherever it is found. WHEREVER. Truth is truth. Find truth, you are looking at God.

  Going along with the above advice is your overall method. The best way to teach is to ask questions. Then the person owns their thoughts. I would spend some time breaking the book to be studied into sections if 4 verses and no bigger then 8. Sometimes a topic will cover much more then that. Break it up over several studies. Spend some time before each study reading orthodox commentary. If you are not familiar with jw orthodoxy, you can read their take from... is it All Scriptures Inspired? I think so.

  Next, as you study the Bible with a JW, there is a running theme you will want to keep an eye out for. The JW as you noticed ignore Jesus. They want to be the mediator between men and Jehovah. Furthermore, they relegate him to the secondary status of a created angel. As you read through John, ask questions about why Jesus is referred to in this way or that. Continue to point out the glory and honor bestowed on him. Such reverence is only appropriate for a Diety. Even if you wouldn't go that far, the jw has to realize that Jesus is more then their religion makes out.

  Feel free to post questions here to "know how a dub will answer".

  Have these studies as often as you can. You are a tether, a link to the outside of her insular world. The jw will want to focus on the "what" of faith rather than the "how". You can keep the peace by emphasizing the how. Humility, honesty, sound reasoning, openess to new ideas. All these things are more important than particular facts. Because if how you go about discovering your faith is sound, then ultimately your faith will be the most factually correct as well.

  CYP
• 

  MegaDude

  I would like anyone who has had a similar experiance or was a JW to better help me understand what is going on in their heads when it comes to birthdays and such. My wife will celebrate anniversiries but not birthdays......??????? I have never been able to get a straight answer as to why.

  The short answer is Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate birthdays because they are told they cannot celebrate birthdays. If tomorrow their leadership decided it was permissible to celebrate birthdays, then JWs would start celebrating them. If you haven't noticed, Jehovah's Witnesses is a high-control religion viewed as a cult by many experts. If you buck the rules of their organization, you get your name read out on the stage and are marked as disfellowshipped. Then nobody in the church talks to you anymore and you are treated not much better than if you did not exist.

  They do have a weak explanation where they try to prove Biblical authority for not celebrating birthdays. They point to two birthday celebrations in the Bible that had negative connotations to them, and also note that the early Christians did not celebrate birthdays. Of course, the early Christians did not celebrate wedding anniversaries either for all we know. Their arguments against celebrating birthdays fall apart logically when you notice they have baby showers. What is a baby shower but a birth day celebration complete with cake and gifts?

  She is a great wife and her family has never tried to pressure me to join. Maybe because when I went to her parents to ask for her hand, I made it clear than that I had no intentions of ever becoming a JW.

  I am surprised -- very surprised -- they didn't pressure your wife behind your back NOT to marry you if you never had intentions of becoming a member. This is highly unusual.

  I love my wife dearly, but I am becoming more and more wary of her dependance on the JW organixation and the watchtowers, rather than Christ.

  The Jehovah's Witnesses consider the leaders of the Watchtower to be God's only representatives chosen to lead Christianity. So in their world you need Christ, but you also need the Watchtower Organization to get salavation because they view themselves as the only true religion in Christianity and the only true religion in the world that God (Jehovah) deals with.
• 

  M.J.

  Hello,

  I'm in a very similar situation, but I've been dealing with it actively for much longer, apparently. Has she been inactive all these years and just starting to become more active? This often happens as a result of HAVING THEIR FIRST CHILD. The motherly instinct to protect the child from Satan and destruction at Armageddon hits in its full force. This gives a bit of insight on how much the faith system of the JW is built on negative reinforcement. Interestingly, Christ did not appeal to his followers in that manner.

  Ok enough with the theology. First thing you must do to educate yourself is learn about mind control and how it works. Read Combatting Cult Mind Control as an intro, available from freeminds.org. At times you might not understand how the principles laid out in that book is applicable. But the more you understand the JW, the more it becomes clear. "mind control" here is nothing magic. It's simply a very effective and all-encompassing program of pursuasion that reaches down to the very heart and soul of the recipient. Learning how this works is simply a part of understanding the mind of your wife. To this end, don't be afraid to ask questions. Not to try and trip her up, but simply to clarify what's going on in her head. If you respectfully inquire and keep inquiring, always trying to understand her point of view, this will serve you very well, and eventually tell you what needs to happen for her to become unbound by the forces that have a grip on her. Remember that you want to refrain from judging. Leave the judging to the Pharisee-like Watchtower Society. Simply comment on how you percieve things from your own point of view, but say you'll save judgement until "all the facts are in". Most of all, I commend you for this comment:

  My biggest fear is that I do not want to wipe out a base of beliefs that she has been living by her entire life and not have something to take its place.

  This speaks volumes about you. This is exactly the concientous attitude you need to have. Helping your wife will take love more than anything else. You apparently have a great head start here.
• 

  M.J.

  One more thing I want to add. DON'T, I repeat, DON'T let this thing get away from you. Act quickly to educate yourself. If your wife is just starting to get into it again, she might still be open to questioning things. There IS a reason she's inactive, if this is the case. If you wait too long, she might finally decide that she'll completely devote herself to the Watchtower Society and close off any thought to the contrary. These are some things you need to start finding out about her. Keep the dialogue open.

  DON'T LOSE VALUABLE TIME TRYING TO PREP YOURSELF BY LEARNING "EVERYTHING" FIRST...Learn as you go. But DO Stick with the basic guidelines mentioned here on this thread and keep asking questions. Remember the important DONTS. Don't criticize the org, etc. But DO keep gauging where your wife is at. Don't be afraid of not having an answer for her during a conversation. As Check Your Premises said, the important thing you want to demonstrate is that you have the right attitude and approach to learning...NOT that you have all the answers.
• 

  serendipity

  Hi mrgij, welcome to the forum!
• 

  Super_Becka

  Hi mrgij01, welcome to the board!!

  There's lots of good people here with lots of good advice for all of us non-JWs who have found ourselves involved with JWs, active or otherwise. Stick around, ask lots of questions, don't be shy, we're all here to help!! Educating yourself is the best thing you can do in your situation!!

  -Becka :)