JW Jokes, If easily offended DO NOT OPEN THREAD!!

Brutus

What do you get if you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an agnostic?
Someone who calls at your door, but doesn't really know why

Feel free to add others!!

Brutus

Arvil was coming out of the Texas University student building when he was stopped by two coeds.

"Would you like to become a Jehovah's Witness?" asked one of the girls.

"No, I really couldn't. I didn't see the accident."

Brutus

Funs Things to do to When Jehovah Witnesses Come to Visit...

Answer the door naked and carrying weaponry. (immediate results)

Pretend to be the slowest talking person in the world and see how long their spirit of Christian charity lasts.

Answer every one of their questions with "What do you mean by that?" This might take a while, but you and your loved ones can have fun placing bets on how long it takes for them to get flustered and leave.

Ask them to explain the story of Elisha and the Forty two children. You may have to resort to another method to actually get rid of them, but this will definitely make them sweat. (2 Kings in Chapter 2, umm... somewhere near the end).

Excuse yourself from the front door and DO NOT come back.

Make a series of increasingly reprehensible fake phone calls. (bookie, order for pornography, drug deal, obscene call, and if they are STILL there, a tearful confession to the police for the murder of the last Witnesses who visited you.)

Pick an often repeated word in their vocabulary (God, Jesus, heaven, it, the etc.) and giggle whenever they utter it. If they ask you what's going on, say "nothing, why?" in very even tones, and giggle again.

Same as above, except say "beep" instead of giggling.

Guys can show an intense interest in their spiel. Part way through, begin putting on make-up, hosiery, a dress, the whole works. (make encouraging noises [uh huh, I see...] throughout and if they ask you what you're doing, pull a #7) If they're still there when you are done, Ask them if they would please kindly leave as you have a hot date in ten minutes.

Look smug and tell them that your God can beat up their God.

Brutus

The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "Noah, in six months I am going
to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and
all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good
people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering
you to build an ark." And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered
the specifications for the ark.

"OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the
blueprints, "I'm your man."

"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You
better have my ark completed or learn to swim for a long, long
time!"

Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began
to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in
his yard, weeping, and there was no ark.

"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is My ark?" A lightning bolt
crashed into the ground right beside Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there
were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for
the ark's construction, but your plans did not meet their code.
So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into
a long argument with him about whether to include a
fire-sprinkler system."

"My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning
ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get
a variance from the city planning board."

"Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark,
because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl.
I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and
Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but
they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls."

"Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an
animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of
each kind."

"Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I
couldn't complete the ark without filing an environmental impact
statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the
idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme
Being."

"Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood
plan. I sent them a globe!"

"Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the
Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'm
supposed to hire."

"The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to
leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I
owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the
ark in less than five years."

With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
arched across the sky.

Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy
the world?" he asked hopefully.

"No," said the Lord, "the government already has."

Brutus

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A JEHOVAH'S WITNESS WHEN...

*Mormons won't even come to your door!

*You won't salute the flag, but you won't help defend your right not to do so.

*You never vote, but you complain about our "evil" government.

*You look forward to an eternity of mowing your lawn every Saturday.

*You believe only 144,000 people who have EVER lived will get to heaven, and you ACTUALLY think you just might be one of them.

*You pity those poor confused Mormons because they have to ride bikes.

*You think Jesus is an angel.

AND THE #1 SIGN THAT YOU'RE A JEHOVAH'S WITNESS...

*You ain't got a clue what you're talking about!

Brutus

Q. What do you get if you cross a Hell's Angel with a Jehovah's Witness?
A. Some one who knocks on your door on a Sunday morning and tells YOU to fuck off!

Brutus

Q: What's the difference between a Jehovah Witness and a Yugo?
A: You can slam the door on a Jehovah Witness.

Englishman

What do you get if you cross a JW with Rambo?

"So do you want Everlasting life, motherfucker?"

I cant believe I said that, just takin' a break from accusations!

Englishman.

..... fanaticism masquerading beneath a cloak of reasoned logic.

Faraon

How many JWs are needed to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but bulb must be changed very frequently due to constant dimming and on/off changes of light.

JRP

Faraon

What do you get if you cross an agnostic, a dislexic, an insomniac, and a JW?
Someone who spends his/her nights reading Watchtowers to investigate if there is a dog

JRP

JW Jokes, If easily offended DO NOT OPEN THREAD!!

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