It wouldn't even be an issue if you had the support of your wife and family. The drones could come and go and I wouldn't matter to you. You would be at peace un affected by their stairs or shunning. But the problem is not that you have to see them but that your wife is still on their side. Do you feel like she'll ever be able to see the WTBS's lies? Are you making progress with her?
Why can't you just move on?
by atypical 45 Replies latest jw friends
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atypical
I thought I was making progress until we had that conversation. When I bring anything negative up, I can see her face get steely and determined. She gives one word generic answers, and then remains silent. I realized that instead of thinking about what I am saying, she is viewing my comments as opposition, and that scares me. She got so upset that she left the next morning after our discussion without saying a word, and she was gone all day. That has never, ever happened in the seven years of our marriage. I have decided that maybe I will force myself not to say a word; to try to live by example. I don't know what else to do.
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Darth Yhwh
I really feel for those of us (ex-cult members, in case my wife’s reading) who are married to someone that still trapped on the inside. I am very fortunate and I can really appreciate what I have when I read stores such as your's. I met and married my “worldly” wife long after I left the borg. I wish that I could give you some advice but, really, I’m in no position to do so.
The only person that I have those inevitable conversations with is my mother. We get into it down and dirty. She gets mad at me and I get mad at her. When we’ve had enough, we go our separate ways and usually we'll take a break from one another to cool off. It’s not like I have to worry about divorce and what that will do to me both emotionally and financially. The worst that my mother can do is to shun me and I'm prepared for that. The advantage that I have over others in similar situations is that my father is not a JDub and therefore even if my mother should choose to shun me I’ll still have contact with her through him.
You’re right though…the best thing you can do is to lay low for a while and lead by example. One thing to always keep in mind is that if she views your opinions as threatening that she’ll shut down and probably not listen to anything you have to say. When presenting a point that you know she’ll take exception too, you’re going to have to put on the kid gloves and proceed with caution.
Good luck and keep us informed.
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jws
You're right. It's not easy to drop it when the people you love are still in it. It's all around you. Your wife is gone at meetings 3 times a week and out in service on Saturday mornings. They're bringing home these publications and studying them. The JWs have entwined themselves into peoples lives so there isn't time to think about what else is out there. It's a real committment. It's unavoidable when you live with a JW. My remaining JW family are peacable enough, but one thing we don't discuss is religion. The only one who keeps bringing it up is my father. It usually leads to me backing him into a corner on issues. At times it has lead to him threatening to cut off communication with me, so we knock it off and don't discuss religion.
I've got it easy. I don't live with these people. I don't even live within 100 miles of them. There are people on this board who lived with their faithful JW wives and eventually the wives came around and opened up their eyes. All it took was something to make the wife realize that the JWs aren't all love and caring. (Big Tex comes to mind).
Pushing may not be good. She thinks she's got the truth and you're going to rot in the grave for eternity while she's living in a paradise earth. She's ready and determined to ward off any assault on her beliefs. Maybe your best bet is to lay low and bide your time. There will be times, I'm sure, when somebody's being a jerk at the hall or when the JWs redefine their religion again. When those things happen, test the waters and see if you can find a common ground to work from.
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upside/down
Do the Witnoids move on?
They've been beating the same drum for a hundred years... and they NEVER "move on"... because they claim it's "the truth".
Well, what you've experienced, seen and researched... is the truth also...
They just can't stand sharing the spotlight.
Hypocrites!
u/d
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Finally-Free
Do the Witnoids move on?
Yep, the JWs certainly know how to move on. That's why they still whine about the incarceration of Rutherford and his cronies in 1918.
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AK - Jeff
Atypical
Hence the reason for this forum. If it was 'easy' to move on, we would just drop the organization like a hot potato and go away.
Kinda like finding out you were adopted, at the age of 50! Emotions turn in circles, love is hate, brothers are enemies, everyone you know is a liar, or is being lied to and decieved. In short your world has been turned upside down - healing takes time. Your wife will not ever understand till she is in your moccasins.
Jeff
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Gill
atypical - I understand how you feel, but you've got to change your tactics here. You need to play to win your wife not to annoy her.
My situation is different to yours. Both my husband and I faded at the same time. He has COMPLETELY moved on from JW land. He even gets a bit cross sometimes when I mention JWs, what I've read and learnt etc. He sees it all as a big nasty pile of shit from the past. Why the hell am I still hovering over it, picking at it and examining it. He was cross about my buying 'Jehovah Unmasked'. But he agreed to read some of it, before coming out with the same, 'hovering over a pile of shit' analogy.
Now, you have to decided NOT to mention anything derogatory about the WTBTS to your wife. You have to be MR Super Cool and Clever. Help her to get to the meetings. Help her to go out on FS and study etc. Treat her well, if you want her to eventually move on.
I sometimes wonder about a lot of the UBM's left on their own whilst their spouses waste their precious marriages at the KH, FS, Assemblys etc.
You've got to try courting her again. Be as before you got married and you wanted her, and there was some other guy hovering about, perhaps better looking, richer, better prospects. The only way to win her was to treat her better than that other guy. But it's going to take time, if it's going to work at all. And you are going to have to learn to bite your tongue when it comes to the WTBTS.
I know it's hard. I also can't just move on....but I can see that in time, I will. I will have learnt all there is to know about the WTBTS and I just won't give a 'poo' any more.
You will do the same too. It's just so damned hard to do it at the moment.
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atypical
Thanks, Jeff, Gill, and everybody else. I appreciate the advice. It is true, I couldn't possibly move on, given my present situation. It is also true that I need to be the better man. I am going to take that road and see where it leads me. My wife is a good person; I only fear that her WT loyalty will sway her. I never worry that she would willfully hurt me. I am going to buy her a nice present for tomorrow, without mentioning the holiday, and see how it goes.
You guys are all special.
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GoingGoingGone
I told her that I am the only one in our relationship who is completely willing to look at the facts, whether the facts agree with my stance or not. I am interested in truth, not convenience.
I love this line! I may have to borrow it! atypical, I completely understand. I wish it were possible to just move on, too, but I can't. You can't just leave the WTS. Because I'm fading, I feel bound by rules that I don't believe in; I'm unable to ask the questions I want to ask and read the things I want to read. I can't attend religious services anywhere else. And no one, who hasn't been in my shoes, understands why. They must think I'm exceptionally wierd.
In addition to that, I feel socially retarded - like, what do 'normal' people talk about, how do you make friends, etc... There is so much I don't know that I don't even know what the questions are! All I've ever known is a JW social life. Oh, joy.....
This site is great, and people do move on from here. It's sad to see them go, but when someone posts that they've moved 'past' this site, it's like another success story. But it's definately a process. Hang in there.
GGG