The thought of meeting his whole family scares me - is that normal??

by Super_Becka 25 Replies latest social relationships

• 

  Super_Becka

  OK, I was talking to my JW boyfriend on the phone for a while last night, and we were talking about some plans that we have for this coming summer. One of these plans is a family get-together / camping trip that his family does every year. I'm all gung-ho for doing family events with him, but while we were talking about it last night, I got really anxious about it.

  I'd thought that it was just going to be his immediate family - parents, siblings, nieces and nephews, that sort of thing. Turns out that nope, it's actually most of his extended family. I tend to be really shy around new people - I nearly had a panic attack when I met his parents last summer - and the thought of having to meet ALL of his family really scares me.

  And to make it even more uncomfortable for me, they're ALL Witnesses!! I'd never asked him how many JWs were in his family, I'd just assumed that there were probably quite a few because both sets of his grandparents were JWs, I just didn't realize that they're ALL Witnesses, every last one of them!!

  So now, my little Anglican, Christmas-celebrating, Easter-egg-hiding, birthday-loving, overall-festive self is feeling very very very anxious about the whole deal. It was bad enough when he told me that he's a JW and that his parents and siblings are, but now that I know that his entire extended family are also JWs, I'm actually scared.

  But I can't just pull out and say, "Sorry hun, can't go, your Jehovah's Witness family scares me", that's just wrong, I have more tact than that. I'll still go, but how exactly does a normal Christian spend a few days with a family full of JWs and still feel comfortable?? Or at least look like I'm still comfortable?? I don't know how hardcore these people are - his parents and siblings are pretty liberal, but I don't know about his extended family, they might all be diehard JWs for all I know, and the last thing I need is to have to try and act normal while fending off conversion.

  Seriously, the thought of spending a few days with that many JWs really freaks me out, not just because they're his family, but because they're his family AND they're all JWs.

  Any advice, anyone??

  -Becka :)
• 

  KW13

  damn, thats like everyone walking around wearing Desperate Dan masks.

  all i can suggest is that you Go with your gut feelings on this and try and arrange something else with you and your boyfriend if you want to, if not go with them and just dont make it a JW Retreat holiday.
• 

  kid-A

  I'll still go, but how exactly does a normal Christian spend a few days with a family full of JWs and still feel comfortable??

  Simple answer? They dont. Let me put it this way, I was raised a JW, and left before being baptized. While I have a great relationship with my JW family, I still need to walk on pins and needles around certain topics of conversation. Simply put, any topics related to religion are not a good idea. Any discussion of my very liberal values also a no-no. There is my "real" self that my non-JW friends know, and my "censored" self that my JW family is exposed to. Now imagine, this is my own flesh and blood, my own parents. I cant even begin to imagine how awkward this would be for a non-JW, non-related person within a tightly knit clan of strong JWs. Sounds like a nightmare.

  Having said that, if you have met them, I assume they have accepted the fact that their son is dating a "pagan, worldly person" which would suggest they may be pretty liberal JWs. I dont know. The more likely explanation is that they honestly are expecting that you will fully convert to the borg and that your BF is "working towards that end". Either way, if you are really considering a long-term relationship or even marriage with a devoted JW, and many other posters will attest to, you need to prepare for a lifetime of this sort of grief and interfamily conflict that will only get more complicated and difficult if you choose to have children.
• 

  M.J.

  Sounds scary. At least my wife's family are WORLDLY! (except for a sibling).

  But I do have a BIL and SIL who are JWs and they're pretty cool for the most part when we go visit. No mention of the JW thing. Then again I'm not at all under the microscope, so to speak, at this stage. They know all about me and vice-versa.

  I did have an experience where a "motherly" JW type of figure, her husband, and some other JWs came to visit my wife when we were at her hometown, however. She was catching up on how my wife was doing and had a critical eye on me, for certain. She was the hard-core type...in the middle of the entire group she looks at me and asks, "so...NONE of your family is in the TRUTH?" I was somewhat dumb-struck...I mean, how can you expect an "outsider" to go along with that kind of terminology? I balked a bit, kind of lowered my head and said, "umm, no". There definitely was tension in the room.

  So if you do go through with such a thing, remember, that they're stuck in a totally different paradigm, so grow a thick skin.
• 

  Super_Becka

  Having said that, if you have met them, I assume they have accepted the fact that their son is dating a "pagan, worldly person" which would suggest they may be pretty liberal JWs.

  Like I said, I've met his immediate family - parents, two brothers and one of his sisters (his other sister lives out-of-state and wasn't around when I was), and his niece and two nephews - and I must say, they were very warm and welcoming and all of that. There was no awkwardness, and my boyfriend keeps telling me that his family really likes me. I steered away from conversation about holidays/birthdays while I was there, but his mom actually asked me about my birthday and things like that, I was a little bit startled by that.

  I've made it crystal-clear to my boyfriend that I'll never EVER convert and become a JW, and he understands that, he's never tried to ask me to do that, but I don't know what his family knows regarding that. I do know that his out-of-state sister is married to a non-JW for the second time, and there was no mention of him converting, he just gave up all of the holidays for her. My boyfriend also knows that I'll never give up my holidays, but again, I don't know if his family knows this.

  I would certainly call his immediate family "liberal JWs", they're pretty open about most things, don't go out in field service, don't go to meetings, don't mind us non-JWs, they just don't celebrate any holidays and they turn their noses up at the concept of blood transfusions (they all know that I'm a blood donor, too, by the way), it's the rest of his family that I'm scared of. I don't know if they're all laid-back and liberal or if there are a few staunch JWs in there somewhere.

  I never thought I could be so afraid of a group of people, but seriously, a large gathering of JWs frightens the **** out of me!! Sure, I'll avoid talking religion with them, that's a given, but someone's bound to ask if I'm a JW or not, then what?? And making other plans for that particular event is out of the question - his family does this EVERY year, the plans have already been laid out and they're all expecting me to be there. And besides, if I wanted him to come to a family gathering with me, I'm sure he'd go and just deal with my Anglican family (everyone in my family is Anglican, both sides), so what kind of girlfriend would I be if I said, "Nope, no way am I spending a few days with a bunch of Witnesses, that freaks me out"??

  -Becka :)
• 

  kid-A

  Hmm, well it says something positive that they are being civil to you. I think it says something about your BF that he is dating a non-JW, he is breaking a cardinal rule of the JWs (BTW is he baptized?) so that suggests that somewhere in the back of his mind, he has some doubts about the whole religion.

  But both of you have taken a stand here and I think somewhere down the line, somethings got to give. Would he spend x-mas day with you and your family opening presents? Would he attend the weddings of your family if they were in "pagan churches?" I think if you accomodate his family, he needs to accomodate yours and respect your beliefs.
• 

  Super_Becka

  (BTW is he baptized?)

  Nope, he's 28 years old (he'll be 29 in July) and not baptized.

  But both of you have taken a stand here and I think somewhere down the line, somethings got to give. Would he spend x-mas day with you and your family opening presents? Would he attend the weddings of your family if they were in "pagan churches?" I think if you accomodate his family, he needs to accomodate yours and respect your beliefs.

  It's a long-distance relationship, so we're not together for the holidays, anyway, but I would certainly invite him to have Christmas dinner with my family and I if he was closer, though I don't know how he'd react to that. He did say at one point that he might try Christmas with me sometime.

  With regards to church, he actually volunteered to come to church with me the next time he visits, and he keeps bringing it up. Every time we talk about his next visit, he usually says something like, "Well, we'll see your family again and you can introduce me to some of your friends, and we'll go to church and...", he hasn't tried to get out of going to church with me, I think he might be interested in it. He asked me once if I was one of those girls who had her wedding all planned out, and I said no, but I always imagined getting married in my little church back home, and he thinks that's perfectly fine and acceptable.

  I do my best to accommodate his beliefs and I never bad-mouth what he believes in, though he does a good job of saying rude things about my holidays and celebrations. He also says that he loves me more than anything and is going to make sacrifices to make our relationship work, so I think there may be some hope just yet.

  After all, from what I've seen, his immediate family is fairly liberal - remember, his sister is married, for the second time, to a non-JW, and his other sister has two children from two different men out of wedlock, and they don't have any problems with that. And for this summer get-together, we'll be staying in tents, and there are plans for my boyfriend and I to have our own private tent and just one big sleeping bag, so they can't be too strict about everything.

  -Becka :)
• 

  lucifer

  (((super_becka))) I find taking a couple shots before going helps BUT if you can't drink without them noticing(lol) you could try thinking up conversations before you get there, that way you won't be stuck with nothing to talk about. I guess I'm just weird I love meeting the other persons family, I don't even care if it's awkward, I make it kind of like a game to see how "chummy" I can get with them haha
• 

  kid-A

  Nope, he's 28 years old (he'll be 29 in July) and not baptized.

  Well thats promising news. Sounds like he is just keeping up appearances for the families sake, especially if he is open to the idea of visiting your church. These sound like pretty liberal JWs, and you would probably have a good time around them. As an aside, some of the wildest parties I ever attended were JW parties as a teenager, so you never really know what to expect. Bring lots of booze !
• 

  jgnat

  Look at it this way; you can get away with a LOT of newbie goofs. If I were you, this is what I would go for, rather than attempt to fit in. Be prepared for the love-bombing; hug them and squeeze them right back. Paste a huge smile on your face, and give out firm handshakes all around. DON'T GIVE ANYONE YOUR PHONE NUMBER. Agree that the world is in a terrible state and then mention a college course you are taking, a book you just finished reading, or an adorable new purchase. And defer any book studies to an indefinite time in the future.

  • Wear shorts. Leave all your skirts at home.
  • Swear once in a while (not the REAL baddies, just HECK, DRAT, stuff like that) cover your mouth and say, "Did I say that out loud?" and giggle.
  • Have a colored streak in your hair.
  • Contradict your boyfriend in public.
  • If you aren't sure if you are breaking a JW habit, ask. "Do JW's ....XXXX?" I wouldn't want to offend you kind folks. Then forget and do it anyways.
  • Wear flattering blouses and t's and flash your boyfriend when no-one is looking.

  Chances are they will be working real hard to prove they are just like regular folk. You can switch them in and out of JW-mode by changing the subject matter. Stick to secular subjects and they will be as normal as you and me. Talk about the terrible state of our world, and POOF, watch them switch over to the Canned Presentation. This could be a good trial run what it's like rubbing shoulders with JW's every week.