Am I the only chicken ....

BobsGirl

I am having a really tough time with fear. Mine is one of the stories on Bill Bowen's Silentlambs site. I have survived more than 14 years of abuse, left the "borg", married a man that is amazingly supportive and NOT a JW, sought counseling and recovery, given birth to a newborn baby boy ...... every one of which has required courage and intestinal fortitude. But for some reason, whenever I try to tell my story, or even think about joining in the lawsuits, I feel my blood freeze. What is it? Why can't I take that last final step? Am I the only one who has experienced this? Am I the only chicken out there?

BobsGirl

bboyneko 2

to examine ourselves, to look at who we are and where we came from objectivley, that can be a very hard thing to do.

Talking about your spiritual abuse is like reliving it. Reliving this abuse is what you fear.

voltaire

Make that two chickens. I've never been sexually abused, so I don't have a story to tell. But I'm still a JW even though I know it isn't the truth. I don't know if I'll ever have the courage to leave or not. In my case I assume it would be the end of my marriage. My mom is a witness, too. It would break her heart. I've worked out a scenario in my mind, an exit strategy if you like, but I don't know if I'll ever summon the courage to follow through with it. So, I can relate to your situation. (That's why I'm here. I read sentiments that are similar to my own, it makes me feel better.)

So here's my take on the situation(yours and mine). I've decided in my own mind that I'm going to do whatever it takes to keep my sanity. I'll stay forever if that's what it takes, or I'll leave if I think I must. My relatives will have to deal with it. In your case, my advice is to do what you can to get involved if it's right for you. If helping hurts you so much that you can't cope, you'll be doing no one any favors. It sounds selfish and it goes against much of our previous indoctrination, but it's the only practical thing to do. On the other hand, you might lending a hand makes you feel better. In short, don't be ashamed to take care of yourself. If you don't feel good, you can't help others.

With that said, I wish success to all those who come forward. I'll jump into the fray when I think I'm up to it.

Tina

Hi BobsGirl,
Welcome aboard! And you've come such a long way successfully already!
It does take courage and as bboy said,one often relives the emotions of the event. It is frightening.
Just a suggestion. If this is something you think you really want to do,maybe you can speak with a counselor/therapist. Someone who will help empower you ,help you explore and make a decision. Maybe explore and see if doing this IS the way to go? Someone who will be with you to see it through? Just an idea here. Wishing you the best! Tina

Nathan Natas

Voltaire -

If you stay, how much of your time will you devote to winning converts to this religion you no longer believe in? Or are you hoping to slip quietly into inactivity?

"Support your local parasitic metaphysician!"

voltaire

Nathan,

Do you want to know a secret? Last month I reported a few hours, but I didn't really go out. I'm in a bit of a bind because I'm not sure how to handle the elders if they stop by for a visit. I'll probably just let on that I'm depressed(not too far from the truth). I don't think I can go out anymore, so I'll probably just play Muhamed Ali's rope-a-dope until I'm ready to leave.

BobsGirl

Actually, I havent been active for years. I have to much integrity to even pretend to make converts. But I have managed to not be df'd and that is the step that scares me.

BobsGirl

Ranchette

BobsGirl,
Hello,and welcome to the board!
I know for a fact that you are not alone in feeling the way you do.It just feels that way because of the deafning silence,brought on by fear,guit,and intimidation used as weapons against victims ,not only from the perpitraters but also from those we looked to for security and help after the crimes.
My story comes no where near in magnitude as most of the stories I've heard so far,because it was only one time and it didn't go as far as so many others.That doesn't change the trama and damage that comes with loss of trust of someone who is there to take care of you!The fear and feeling like a chicken I definatly identify with!I'm not d'f'd or da'd but I'm not scared of that any more.The reason I'm telling you this is because I want you to know there's hope.You will get stronger.This board is a great place to start because you will find people at all differen't levels of healing.
Question,are you afraid of being df'd because of fear of loosing friends and family or is it fear of what God will think of you?
It may not be either but instead of just fealing the fear and anxiety it is often helpful to pinpoint exactly where its coming from.
As far as the law suits and such ,I just want you to know you will have support and you wont be out on a limb all by your self.That is when you feel strong enough.
Love,
Ranchette

Ranchette

moving this up so BobsGirl can get more imput.

silentlambs

You are one of the true hero's of silentlambs website. Your story took a great deal of courage to tell and it is another meaningful piece of the picture wt has tried to hide. You should feel no guilt, you had enough of that as a witness. With the silentlambs issue no one needs to feel any pressure to do anything. You do what your heart moves you to do. We are greatful for whatever is offered and would never think ill of you not being able to do more. As I mentioned earlier, one out of five never are able to tell their story, but just making contact showed they cared.

May you have peace and love, thank you for your brave step, know that as with all silentlambs we hope for your healing.

Am I the only chicken ....

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