Hi Bobsgirl,
If you DIDN"T feel scared, that would be strange indeed. Think about it - you are not only reopening deep wounds as bboyneko pointed out, you are also aware of great risks to your security regarding your family. Will they allow you to "exist" after you do what you have to do to be honest with yourself and the entire world about what happened - ? My experience is that "telling your story", having someone HEAR you, help support you and confirm that your reactions of horror and guilt and pain are NORMAL is critically important in order to recover from the afteraffects of trauma and move on with the adventure of life.
Entering the legal arena, both in the jw world and the societal one, is nightmare. The legal system is not about truth, per se, it is about power. Cases are "won" based on an extremely limited/limiting number of factors, relying heavily on forensic evidence that "proves" beyond a shadow of a doubt that a crime occured. (Even when such evidence is present.... well, I remember the OJ trial....)
Please allow yourself to be surrounded and supported by as many people as possible who are invested in your well-being and who are able to help shield you from the predictable denials and rejections of what you need to say and do. This board is one place where you can find support and validation of what is REAL and true for you. Silentlambs is a Godsend (I believe this literally to be true).
Even if it appears that you do not "win", if you choose to go that route either in the legal system or within your own family, you still will win...... in the process you will experience others' empathetic outrage over what happened to you and the corruption that ensued (or even continues..?) What heals us is love and its comfort, the rebuilding of your self-image as you learn to put the blame and shamefulness on the abusers and not yourself, and eventually - the ability to FEEL again. Most survivors live in a narrow band of emotional capability, where they are having to contend constantly with both conscious and "stuffed" responses to pain, anger and loss after heinous betrayal. These reactions are utterly normal, but excruciatingly uncomfortable. We learn to live with them by not feeling ANYTHING - including those things that makes life livable: joy, hope, happiness...... resulting in an emotional flatline. (Think of a "normal" heartbeat - it fluctuates madly, a wavelength with peaks and valleys - vs a flatline - )
The final "proof" of what is true will be evidenced over time as you thrive and recover, speaking the truth as you know it. Yours is a battle within a war of sorts, and fighting sucks, it hurts, and there are casualties... but there are many people who will tend to your wounds if you can find them.....
I will be very interested to hear further from you about how you are faring. You are not alone in this. Every other survivor and person invested in justice is behind you. Life is amazing.
Sending you my respect and concern,
lauralisa
It's only water from a stranger's tear (Peter Gabriel)
