I wish all men had a written marriage contract like this. It would help us women know what was truly expected. I'd like to get this info on the first date so that I'd know whether to pursue the relationship or not.
My marriage contract , hummmm. I feel the dominatrix surfacing.... (the following is tongue in cheek and doesn't totally reflect my views.)
Grooming
You shall be neatly groomed at all times. Neatly groomed is defined as hair combed, face washed, eye crud removed, teeth brushed and flossed (don't fleck tartar on the mirror) after every meal, and sunscreen applied (I don't want you looking like a prune at age 50). You shall bathe or shower (yes with soap and shampoo) at least once a day, in the morning. If you have sweat during the day, you shall shower again before coming into my presence. You will apply antiperspirant daily. You may *lightly* apply one of the pre-approved colognes after consulting with me. I don't want to smell you coming from a mile away due to body odor or overdone cologne.
Your hair will be cut on a monthly basis. I may on ocasion allow facial hair. It shall be trimmed. A mustache can be 3.5 inches by .5 inches wide. No handlebars-they're weird. The mustache should be inspected to ensure no debris is present.
Your fingernails and toe nails shall be cleaned daily and filed if necessary. They should be trimmed bi-weekly. Do not fleck toe jam on the floor. That will result in the loss of a GBD and I will make you eat it.
Your ears shall be cleaned daily. The dirty Qtips belong in the trash can. If you miss the trash can and leave it on the floor, the loss of a GBD will occur. And I may make you eat it.
Your clothing will be clean, and have no holes or stains. You will accompany me to stores to select your clothing. No external clothes should be purchased without my approval. However, you may purchase your underwear (no tightie whities and NO thongs- that's just gross) and socks (no white and no knee highs) by yourself.
The only exception is if you are working in the yard or on the vehicles at which time you may chose your work clothing. You should do your utmost to prevent me from seeing you in your ratty work clothes.
For sleeping purposes, you may wear underwear in warm weather or PJ's in cold weather. With socks, because I don't want your cold feet on me. For our "private time" together, you shall wear whatever I ask you to wear. That may include special "costumes".
Sex
Sex will occur at my whim. OR not. You shall do what I ask and when, where, how, how often I specify. And you will display enthusiasim. Any questions? You may request sex, but I reserve the right to deny you. And you better not sulk.
Finances
You shall hand over your paycheck to me. I shall make the purchasing and investing decisions. I will give you an allowance of $100 a week. From this allowance you shall buy your meals out, your gas, pay for your incidentals and grooming supplies and the privilege of buying gifts for me.
Chores
I shall prepare a "honey do" list for you weekly. You shall do the chores that week. Any questions?
Gifts
You are fortunate that I don't need a lot of gifts because I'll buy what I want with your paycheck. I do expect you to buy greeting cards for me at least 4 times a year expressing how wonderful I am and how fortunate you are to have me in your life. Our anniversary is to be celebrated by a meal at an exclusive restaurant. And I don't mean the mom&pop chicken shack. Additionally, you shall purchase a gift. I shall provide you my "wish list" of gifts. You are free to select one to surprise me with.
Home Repair
When something breaks down in the home, you shall have 1 hour to fix the item. If it's not fixed you are to call a repairman. You will stay to meet the repairman while I got to a hotel. You don't expect me to live at home without water or A/C, do you?
Attitude
You are to be cheerful and friendly at all times. I don't like moody or sulky men, even if your team just lost the Superbowl. And by the way, any betting or sports pools will come out of your allowance. I also dislike passive aggressive behavior.
You shall greet me with a hug and a kiss (only if you have fresh breath) and a warm hello when I come into a room. You shall tell me you love me daily. You should also be prepared to hug me frequently. I also like to cuddle. And you better act like you mean it.
You should also shower me with compliments and praise and appreciation. A minimum of 10 statements a day are required. No negative comments are allowed.
If you violate the attitude rules you will lose a GBD and will have additional unpleasant tasks added to your workload. For example, cleaning my toenails .
Bathroom Etiquette
Do not leave reading material on the floor, it belongs in the rack. If you stink up the bathroom, turn on the exhaust fan for at least 5 minutes and then spray with room deodorizer. And for heaven's sake, PUT THE SEAT DOWN.