Dear Jehovah™ GOD,
How are you today? As a representative of your 'Earthy Organisation™' I learned you are now nearing the end of your 7,000 year 'day of rest'™. I hope you feel better for it. Since You will soon be resuming a creative interest in the affairs of men I thought that you might like an update from me, the lowliest dogsbody to retire from 'active service™' in Your 'mighty earthly army™'. 20 years ago I left the Australian Branch of your Universal Organization™ to go free-lance. I hope you don't mind.
I've been out in the dark™ shunning the Watchtower for 20 years. I can't imagine what 7,000 years shunning mankind must be like. I've been persona non-grata™ all this time and I'm so out of the loopy loop I don't even know if you read the papers or get radio and television up there. The reception was pretty bad where I live but we've got digital broadband now, anyway if it isn't too presumptuous™, to catch up I recommend you connect to the Internet at this oportune time™ and buy one of those monster screens and fix it on your lounge wall. That's the first thing I'd do if I was You™
Well, things couldn't be going any better down here, at least as far as your image is concerned. You wouldn't believe how well loved you are on this planet today and how much is being done in your name. There's so much going on that I hardly know where to start.
You'll be happy to know that you are loved by nearly everyone. Americans even have a picture of your eye on their money.... spooky. You are still very highly regarded in your old stamping ground, Israel too. Just about everyone believes in you there, although, that “I AM WHAT I AM” missive reminds people of popeye the sailor man and means they can't agree on what you should be called. The Watchtower Bible and Tract Society has been doing their best with their "it's Jehovah stupid!" campagne but to no effect. Israel is divided between Jews, Moslem's and Christians with many variations of each. They've all created different sets of rules for worshipping and kill each other whenever the opportunity arises. It's very silly but they all say you have sent the rules down to them. I don't know if that's true or not but if I may make a suggestion: If it is true that you gave them the word™, it would really simplify things if there was only one set of commandments™. It would cause less hard feelings. Anyway, the Jews and their Moslem neighbours - both of whom claim your complete support - have been going at each other for about 30 years. It's a good thing Jesus, and 'Judge Rutherford™' and the rest of the 144,000 are geared up and almost ready to pounce. I hope Armageddon™ comes before they all have nuclear bombs. Persia is now divided into Iraq and Iran just like the message you sent in that secret dream you revealed to Daniel™ The Moslem's in these countries basically agree on what to call you but they disagree on some details concerning how best to make you happy. So they're also killing one another. It's more than a little confusing, though, because in Iran there are people who call themselves Baha'i and they too have their own way of showing respect for you. Unfortunately for the Baha'i they're a bit sissy and don't kill others with different points of view. So the Moslem's in in their love for you, have been kicking the Baha'i around pretty bad.
It mustn't be easy being a father figure to just about everyone and a river to your people (whoever they are).
Yours sincerely,
unclebruce
gumby
PS: There is also some confusion down here about your command to “go forth and fill the planet” .. a corner of the text is missing.. did you mean with concrete? PPS: Some lazy pot puffing atheists on JWD are saying you're dead but I never believe any of those stories, even the NY PD don't have a weapon that can shoot that far.
NOTE: This letter is addressed exclusively to Jehovah ancient god of bbq meat so if Zeus, Thor or any of you other funny bugger gods get this by mistake please don't take the piss out of him, you know how he gets
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Yeah well what would You write to Jehovah? (keeping in mind the angelic censors