Family Funeral

jws

My uncle died this morning. It wasn't so much of a surprise. He's past 80, has been in a nursing home the past few months, and has lost most of his memory, even forgetting who his wife was at times. As of Saturday, we were warned he was close to the end.

Talking with my dad this weekend, he was saying "at least he has the hope of a resurrection". That's apparently been a doctrinal change since I left the JWs. After all, my uncle was a Lutheran all his life. Maybe that's why my dad stopped being so worried that I wasn't a practicing JW.

But the thing that got to me was when I talked to my dad this morning. I asked about the funeral so I could fly in. He didn't have details, but mentioned that it was a "religious funeral". By implication, meaning he wasn't going to attend it. I wasn't in town for a cousin's funeral, but my brother said he came and left before the ceremony started. Maybe that's what he plans to do for this one.

It's hard to get mad at a family member. He just lost his brother. (That's why I'm venting here). But this has been his older brother since he was born. They have a stretch together of over 80 years. And you're not going to attend his funeral ceremony?????

Anybody know the latest on this from their publications? Maybe if there's a watchtower article that says it's OK... I have the watchtower CD from 2001. There's some articles from '70, 75, '52. All seem to say it *might* be OK. But it's all filled with JW-speak. You all know. Where a lawyer would look at it and say "it doesn't say you can't". But a JW would look at it and see all the warnings and say "It's forbidden".

Anybody know of anything I could reference that's more recent?

greendawn

That's a very extreme thing to do not to attend your brother's funeral, why does it matter if there will be a funeral ceremony, don't they attend their children's or parents funerals for this reason?

els

jws, So sorry about your uncle. My cousins daughter died this past fall of brain cancer. My husband and I got to the funeral and we were the only ones from my family who were there. I have been totally shunned for over three years now. I was really nervous about going but I am so glad I did because my parents weren't there or any one of my 5 brothers or sisters. It wasn't even a particularly religious funeral, really more of a remembrance, celebrating a wonderful talented young girl who died too young. She was 21 and was a beautiful singer and a truly caring person. My family didn't send flowers or anything. Afterwards everyone went to my aunt and uncles house to eat and visit and guess who showed up then. My mother, father, sister, brother and his wife. My brother didn't speak to me, my sister told me she missed me, and my mother said she didn't recognize me. I have lost a bit of weight but, come on! We said our goodbyes and left. I hope your experience is better. els

hubert

Afterwards everyone went to my aunt and uncles house to eat and visit and guess who showed up then. My mother, father, sister, brother and his wife.

I would have been so upset that they did that, I would have said..."Well, look who's coming to eat"!!

sorry els and jws for your losses.

Hubert

jws

My family has been fairly OK with me and my brother. We have never been DF'ed though. We just did the fade. I don't anticipate problems from family at the viewing and/or what they attend of the funeral.

It's just that my dad and my uncle got along great, even though my uncle was never a JW. He would visit my uncle every couple of weeks. And now, because some other religion is involved, he probably won't go to his funeral. What the F??? How do you not put the religion aside and attend a funeral?

Is he scared that he might be tempted away from being a JW if he hears somebody from another religion perform a ceremony? You would think going door-to-door where somebody might actually attack his specific beliefs would be more of a concern. JWs are the ones that are big on turning a funeral into a sales pitch instead of honoring the dead. Is he afraid the big 'A' is going to come while he's in a church and get destroyed along with the church?

I know, logically, my uncle's dead. Going or not going doesn't do anything for him. Showing up beforehand to pay your respects does comfort his wife and his family. Being there during the funeral ceremony to comfort family..., maybe not so much. It's not like you can be seated next to everyone and you don't talk during it anyway.

But still... It's his brother.

JW's are worried about the message they give to others. What about the message that JWs are a bunch of cold-hearted people who won't even go the funeral of a family member? I think leaving before the ceremony sends a statement and not a good one. They expect non-JWs to understand? I was a JW and know his reasons and I don't understand. Outsiders are going to think he could care less about his brother.

SWALKER

Outsiders are going to think he could care less about his brother.

I think that I would play that point up....by not showing up to his own brother's funeral it would not be sending a very Christian message as a Witness. Just think how many relatives there might come up and ask him questions about the "truth!"

Some JW's think it is a mortal sin to enter a church and others go right in. I was always in the 2nd group!

Swalker

els

I always hated the hypocrisy of forcing people to listen to our views but being totally unwilling to listen to anyone elses. What are they afraid of? els

Victorian sky

jws, I'm really sorry for your loss. Your dad's decision doesn't surprise me. When my grandfather died, I sat in the lobby of the funeral home with my super elder uncle and my 2 JW aunts while the rest of my family were inside during the 'religous' ceremony. My uncle said it would be an act of interfaith if I went in and a disfellowshipping offense. Unfortunately, I believed him. It's one of my biggest regrets. It didn't feel right at the time. I wanted to be in there for my grandfather. I was grieving too. Family and close friends saw us in the lobby and kept asking, 'Why aren't you coming in?' I am amazed by the arrogance of the org. Isn't it ironic that they boast of their love when they don't seem to know the meaning of the word. It's a very harsh and cold religion we left behind. Sorry again for your loss, God Bless - V Sky.

atypical

I'm sorry for your loss. The jw mentality is especially screwed up when it comes to this stuff. My friend just killed himself while he was DA'd, so of course there could be no funeral at the kingdom hall (of course? how insane is that?). There was an outside funeral at a school, but the parents still called the society to find out what was allowed. After that call, they decided not to let anyone get up and speak, for fear that someone might say something about heaven or the afterlife that might contrast with jw teaching.

It is so sick and twisted, but just know that it is the cult mentality coming through over your dad's real personality. Set the example and go, imo.

Best wishes.

sass_my_frass

Sorry about your uncle and I hope you're okay.

It's sad that JWs have to keep playing their games in whatever environs they find themselves. The only contact I'll have to have with my loveless family will be at my non-witness relatives' funerals, and the things they'll do will be so disrespectful. I don't even know how I'll handle it, eg, at my non-witness nan's funeral; my mother will want me not to attend the wake so that she's not sharing a meal with me. Do I show respect to my Nan's memory, or my mother's grief?

I try not to think about it, and contact Nan as much as I can. Far more important to have fun with her while she's still around! And actually now that I think about it, if I asked Nan, she'd tell me to be there, and to hell with my mother's silly cult, as she's always said.

Sorry... back to you. The funeral is to honour your uncle's memory; just keep it to that.

Family Funeral

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