Telling a Friend I Don't Want to Go to Meetings Anymore

by Good Girl or Bad Girl? 19 Replies latest jw friends

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  Good Girl or Bad Girl?

  I have a very close friend, who has been a mentor to me for years, who has never judged me in spite of things I've been through. She is nearly 35 years older than me but we have a kindred spirit. She is a very devout JW and I believe she always will be. She has a good heart though. She is the only Witness I know who has always encouraged me to be close with my non-Witness sister, and is happy for me because of it. She goes out to eat with the two of us every so often and it's never with the agenda of trying to get my sister to come back. It's just to be a friend to my sister. She is a wonderful person. Everyone else has always told me it's ruining my "spirituality" to talk to my sister.

  There are a lot of JW's who are "hounding" me by calling and stopping in, trying to get me to "get back on track" with my service to Jehovah. They are not real friends of mine as they were never around when I actually needed them, and as I heard all the rumors they spread about me when I was at my lowest. I don't care if they never talk to me again once they realize I'm going to meetings less and less. If they do talk to me, I will be pleasantly surprised and realize they are real friends.

  But this woman, D, she is very important to me. I don't want to lie to her when she asks if she will see me tonight (she just called my cell phone and left a message that she misses me and hopes to see me tonight). But I am afraid if I tell her the truth, that I don't want to go to meetings anymore, she will ask her husband, who is an elder, to "help" me. I'm afraid it will cause a red flag to go up in the elders' minds. I don't want to do anything to draw attention to myself. I just want to be on the edge until I'm just not on the edge at all anymore, and people just figure I'm a lost cause. I am not ready to be DF'd or DA'd.

  What are your thoughts on the pros and cons of my telling D that I am probably not going to be a particular meeting, if she asks. What do you think would be a better way to handle this situation than what I've come up with?

  GG/BG
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  metatron

  Sorry to tell you this, but it may be impossible to retain any real friendship with someone who is "devout", if you stop attending meetings.

  Perhaps you can create an exception but I rather doubt it. Other than that, I think chronic sickness is the best claim to make, as it

  avoids controversy - and admitting that you really don't believe it. Depression, migraines, chronic fatigue syndrome work well.

  metatron
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  Legolas

  Good Girl....Play the ...'I am depressed and just want to be left alone for awhile' card.....That always works because there is nothing they can say about it!
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  Emma

  It would probably be a kindness to her not to give her a reason to go to her husband. I know you want to confide in her, but if you could leave it at "I'm sorry, I really am not ready to talk about this," or, "I'm going through some depression and need to sort it out," that might buy you some time to let her adjust as well.

  As far as this quote goes,

  get back on track" with my service to Jehovah

  they have no idea who Jehovah is or what your service to him means, so they have no right to talk to you about it! You'll be fine, but it will take time. As you leave this organization behind, you'll fill up your life with meaning and friends and eventually the wts will be way in your past.

  I'm wishing you the best, Emma
• 

  Good Girl or Bad Girl?

  Good point, Emma, thanks.

  It turns out I didn't have to lie about that for quite a while: I used to have both chronic migraines and depression, both diagnosed by several different professionals. Oddly enough, after I stopped believing this was the "truth" and I was stuck within the confines of it, I've had fewer and fewer migraines and I feel progressively happier all the time. HUH.

  But since I've already used those "excuses" when they were true, I don't see the harm in continuing with that reasoning. It hurts to hurt a friend, but I understand I need to do it for both of our sakes, and like Emma said, show kindness to my friend by NOT giving her a reason to go to her husband. I'm sure she doesn't want to have to do that.

  Legolas, the "I'm depressed card," no one can say anything about because I was hospitalized within the past few months for trying to take my life. I am embarrassed about it, but only because I let the organization get to me. The amount of pressure I felt to conform, as well as the daily fear of messing up again, pushed me over the edge. Honestly I was thinking of telling any elder that approaches me at the few meetings I have to attend until I can fade completely away that I almost died (they all know about it because they sent a representative to tell me they knew about it and to let me know they were there for me and glad I was back at the meeting after getting out of the hospital. Did any of those "there-for-me" brothers visit me at the hospital? What do you think?) because of how sad I felt and that they have their choice, a "perfect" Witness in me until I can't stand it and I do take my life, or me alive and happy but not "perfect" by their standards. Somehow I don't think that would go over well but it's the TRUTH. I go back there and follow every single restrictive rule, I WILL DIE. I'd rather LIVE. I am not trying to sound melodramatic. This is very scary and real to me.
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  Legolas

  Oh gawd Good Girl I am sorry I didn't know.

  Well you could just say that you need time to figure everything out and/or you could add that you know where the hall is if you want to go that for now your wishes are to be left alone.
• 

  Good Girl or Bad Girl?

  Thanks, Legolas, you're good shit. The love evident in these "conversations" is more than I've ever experienced at a KH, that's FO SHO.

  GG
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  kid-A

  Everyone else has always told me it's ruining my "spirituality" to talk to my sister.

  It just never ceases to amaze me when I read something like this. That they would sink that low, to discourage you from talking to your own sister for fear it will "damage" your allegiance to the borg.

  This is a tough situation no matter what you do. Think of it as a litmus test, a true friend will support you unconditionally. WIth a true friend, you should be able to discuss ANYTHING, openly and without fear of censorship or reprisal. Most importantly, if she is a true friend, she will hold your words in confidentiality and not go running to her elder husband to report your "spiritual weakness"...

  What you will inevitably find as you make your way out, is that the universe we construct within the JWs is not built on reality and most of the relationships we form with fellow borg members are based on some collective sense of guilt and filled with artificial conditions and rules.

  Theres a reason we use the Star Trek Borg analogy so much here. Just like on the fictional TV show, you will find that once you are "unplugged" from the mother ship, you will lose your ability to "communicate" with your former borg "shipmates"....
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  greendawn

  But it's your life and you will decide what is best for you not anyone else, it's a difference between you and the org not between you and the friendly JW woman you have nothing against her and when you leave it shouldn't cause her any problems.
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  Jez

  I use to live my life by gauging my decisions, actions, words, spirituality by others response to them.

  Not anymore. It is none of their business.

  "If you are not one of us, you are one of them" is their motto. So what is true friendship if you can't be authentic? Who wants to be in a relationship where YOU are bridled about what you can say, but she can say whatever she wants. That is not a friendship, that is an imposed mentorship.

  Jez