Telling a Friend I Don't Want to Go to Meetings Anymore (page 2)

love2Bworldly

It's hard to lose close friendships, I lost my best friend from high school when I left the JWs'. But in the long run it was best for me not to be around witnesses because I don't want to be 'encouraged' to come back and all that mess. I think if you want to lie low, you should keep using the 'sick' excuse--that's how I faded.

I hope you meet new friends and have a good support system for what you're going through. Maybe some counseling is in order, to help deal with the 'coming out of a cult' issues.

Wish you the best!

Good Girl or Bad Girl?

love2bewordly, I'm in counseling. I started going to help me get through my depression, and of course the elders told me to be very cautious about going even though it says right in the January 2004 (or is it January 2005?) Awake magazine about Mood Disorders that a combination of therapy and medication can help people. Still they told me it was very dangerous for me to go to therapy. Turns out they were right. It was dangerous for them because I started thinking on my own. It was my therapist's reaction to all these things I said that I thought were completely normal that made me realize that I'm the brainwashed one, not everyone else in the world like I was taught.

Like greendawn said, the problems I have are not with D, they are with the organization. With that said, I do not intend to lie to her, but I will choose my words very carefully so as to protect both her and me.

Jez, this will be the hardest thing for me to get over, I think, to not care what others think. My whole life I hear how I should be so careful so as not to "stumble" my brothers and sisters. Even within the past few months, I told my mom that I think eloping is romantic and she got really upset and said the perception if I were to elope would be that I had "not kept myself chaste" and thus had to "run away" and have a disgraceful wedding. It's funny because I've heard so many Witnesses say that Witness weddings I've been at are extravagent and too much or whatever. So you can't win either way you do it. Anyway, I digress. What made this whole thing so ridiculous was that I don't even have a boyfriend so it was just a random comment about eloping! Maybe sometimes people could try to chill a little bit. Jeez! Incidentally, my friend D, the one that got me started on this thread, said she would be glad to go with me as a chaperone if I ever wanted to elope. Ha ha! JW's are a confused lot, aren't they?

GG (or BG?)

freedomlover

gb/bg -

you have received a lot of good advice here. You are right though - this will probably be the hardest thing you've ever been through. You ARE strong ENOUGH to go through it though!

I too, have such a hard time trying not to "hurt" or "stumble" others. here's my experience so far. I've tried to explain my side of things to a few, and I mean few, as in 1 or 2, and what happens is if you try to explain your feelings you are attacking their religion, but if you avoid phone calls, and conversations they are offended that you wouldn't talk to them about your issues. It's a no-win situation. As far as I can tell, they are going to be upset with you no matter what. If your desire is to truly fade away quietly, I would just not give them any legitimate reasons to call you into an elders meeting, especially for apostasy!

Here's another piece of advice someone gave me that really helped. They can ask all the questions they want, you ARE NOT obligated to answer all of them! You have a right to your own privacy and your own thoughts without having to share them with people who will criticize you for it.

If your friend really presses you,maybe just express your love and affection for her, but ask her to give you the respect of wanting to sort some things out privately. If she is offended remember, you ARE NOT responsible for her reaction. She can chose to give you the space and respect of privacy or she can try to guilt you into talking. It will truly test your friendship for sure. Unfortunately, the people I thought I'd be able to talk to are the ones that have treated me the worst. :( Sorry, but maybe knowing this will help you prepare for either outcome.

We are here for you, and TOTALLY understand where you are coming from.....

Good Girl or Bad Girl?

Thank you, freedom lover!

GG

Thegoodgirl

GG o BG,

My favorite excuse in this situation is "I've been busy."

It is vague enough to not have them be able to say anything specific that you can do to get back to the meetings. All they will say is "You have to get your priorities in order." Then you just say, "Yeah, I know."

It also implies a bit of what is going on in your head, which is that you ARE drifting away from JWs. But in a very passive way. It's not threatening. It' doesn't bring suspicion. You don't have to say "I've been having doubts" or "I read something that showed me JWs have the 607 date wrong." Just a simple "busy with school/ busy with work/ busy with trying to find a job" or whatever fits your situation. Also if you have a flexible schedule, DO schedule work during meeting times.

It also implies that you've found more important things. Which you have.

Or go with the vague sickness thing. But seeing you'd just been through that for real, I guess that would bring a little too much "encouragement" from well-meaning friends.

GG

jgnat

I've learned there's a BIG difference between a JW acquaintance "missing you" at the meetings and "missing you" as a person.

(she just called my cell phone and left a message that she misses me and hopes to see me tonight)

If I were you, I'd leave a message on her machine while she's at the meeting that you've missed her too, and you look forward to getting together for coffee sometime. Answer that way every time she "misses you" at the meetings. You'll find out pretty quick how important you are to her. If she comes out and asks why you aren't coming to the meetings, tell her it's personal reasons, and you are too fragile to talk about it right now. That's part of the boundaries you are learning to make.

buffalosrfree

You never know about "friends" until something happens to put them on record of being a friend or a foe. i have a friend that will at times call me and ask my opinion about an upcoming book study, or a watchtower lesson. And for the most part, he will agree with my comments about it. He is trapped in the cycle of going out in service with his wife on days off and being an auxilary pioneer on those special occasions the society dreams up. He, "hate it," he says, but who knows for sure but he is always looking for comments about bood studies and wt studies. I am glad to give them, and he knows I don't give a shit who knows that I don't care about what they have to say.

For your part i would leave well enough alone or tell her you are waiting on Jehovah to make it clearer to you on just how the wtbts was chosen to be his speical people in 1918;/1919; and see what she says about that. Other than just making up b.s. ask her to provide you with a copy of the finished mystery so you can see for yourself just what the society was distributing that called for them to be the faithful and discreet slave other than just their saying so. That should stump her for quite awhile (a lifetime).

jwfacts

You will not be d/f or d/a if you don't say anything except that you don't want to go to meetings any more. Say and leave it at that, as hard as it will be. Unfortunately you may loose her friendship, but it will be that way if you say anything else.
If the elders want to see you say you don't feel up to it but again do not say anything about the organisation or the bible.
There is a chance they can d/a you if you refuse to meet with them, so you may have to see them. If they visit, do not say anything. It is the same as the police "whatever you say can and will be used against you in a court of law". Tell them you don't have any questions, you don't have any issues, you just can not do it anymore and would rather be left alone for a while. They can not d/f for that. As soon as you discuss even one problem you will open the door for a judicial action.
Elders use the exact same technique in committee meetings. They point blank refuse to answer questions that incriminate them. Do the same to them and any meeting will be short.

cognizant dissident

Good Girl

You're getting lots of good advice here so I won't repeat it unnecessarily. I just want to add, that at times when we feel at our weakest and most vulnerable, those are the times we can get in touch with our core strength, our unquenchable spirit that cannot be broken. That's the strength you've showed when you sought out counselling for yourself, against the advice of the elders and also when you reached out for connection on this forum. If you ever start to doubt yourself and what you are discovering about the witnesses, remember this: any religion or it's individual members that makes you feel so bad about yourself that you try and take your own life is NOT helping you! They have absolutely nothing to offer you but more of the same, guilt and shame. Never forget that!

Hope you feel better soon. Oh, and I absolutely love your avatar! Wish I saw it first!

Cog

Good Girl or Bad Girl?

Thanks, Cog. :)

Y'all are so great. I've been on this board for five days and I've done a 180 in how strong I feel! It's amazing! I'm so glad I did this.

Much love, y'all.

Good Bad Girl

Telling a Friend I Don't Want to Go to Meetings Anymore

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