A little story of JW-childhood-horror, and am I evil?

by Hellrider 19 Replies latest jw experiences

  • Hellrider
    Hellrider

    This all happened when I was a kid, and I think I must have been around 8 years old. We were at a meeting, and my dad (MS) had held a speech. This didn`t happen very often, actually, this one time is the only one I can remember. My dad had epilepsy (connected to the brain tumor he had surgically removed in his mid-thirties, which came back and killed him at 46). Half-way thru the speech he started mumbling, looked a bit out of balance, like he wasn`t himself, finished quickly, walked down and took his seat. Then he leaned over to the side, drewling, and the seizure began. It took us all by surprise, because he hadn`t had one for a long time (he was on medication for it), and this seizure was the worst one I had seen. The entire KH was in uproar, of course, and the men rushed to help, and they sure worked up a sweat. My father was a big man, 120 kilos, strong as an ox, it took 8 guys to hold him down. One ripped his belt of to stick in dads mouth (I have no idea how he knew that he was supposed to do that, maybe he had seen it in a movie or something), but it was to late, my father had allready bit of a small slice of his tongue. There was blood all over his face. The ambulance came, and the paramedics rushed into the hall, put my dad on a stretcher,and took him out in the amublance.

    The thing is: I was so embarassed! Never mind the fact that my father could have died, choked on his own tongue. No, it was all about me. Me, myself and I. I was so embarassed of being a witness-kid, that I turned away when the paramedics came, so they couldn`t see my face. My shame over being a witness-kid was stronger than even the concern over the life and health of my family members. Not that they were any good anyway, but still. How can any kid care so little about his own parents, that it`s more important that noone knows your parents are JWs? When we were walking to and from the car outside the hall, I would always walk with my head turned toward the hall, because there was a kid at school that lived on the other side of the street, and his bedroom-window was toward the street (he shot an elder in the neck with a bee-bee-gun once from his window, lol).

    Anyway, here is the Catch22: I was always aware of this! I always knew that my shame over being a witness-kid was so strong that I would have gone to extreme lengths to deny that I was a JW. And what if the great tribulation came? My parents could have been persecuted and beaten to death before my own eyes, and I would have been Peter, denying them time after time. I knew this! And that filled me with even more shame! It made me feel like I was such a horrible, horrible person.

    I don`t know why I am telling you this. It still bothers me, I guess. The shame of being a JW can be so overwhelming for children. I feel so sorry for all the JW-kids of the world. Being a JW-kid is just layer upon layer of shame, shame, shame, selfhatred, shame, shame, shame, shame over feeling ashamed, ashamed, ashamed! I sometimes wonder how I made it thru at all.

  • KW13
    KW13

    a sad story but let me tell ya. too much pressure on your shoulders as a child who was probably wondering what it all meant. not your fault. it brought unwanted and un-needed attention. walking around in suit and tie isn't cool or nice for a lad that goes to school. i know that.

    your fine

  • candidlynuts
    candidlynuts

    i think we all have memories like that..

    one thing that has helped me immensley is to look at a child the age that something happened that i felt ashamed of myself..

    look at an 8 yr old boy and think if the same thing happened to that little boy, would you , as an adult think badly of him or think he should be ashamed for the rest of his life?

    try it.. i think it will help.

  • serendipity
    serendipity

    ((( Hellraiser )))

    Kids are egocentric, so I'm not surprised you were embarrassed. Are you sure you weren't also frightened by what you saw, or by your father's condition in general, worrying that he would die?

    When I was a kid, I remember fear caused me to do some shameful things.

    Don't beat yourself up over this. Take whatever lessons you want, and strive to live a happy life.

  • La Capra
    La Capra

    If it helps any, I do the same thing to myself. I re-live incidents and episodes in my childhood (and, unfortunately, my adulthood too), in which I didn't conduct myself in the way, in retrospect, I wish I had. I never called it being evil. I call it being "horrid." Whatever descriptor you put to it, it is the same thing. As children, we were raised with the ever-present conditioning that we were damaged, sinful, evil, horrid (insert your favorite self-loathing term here, it works) human beings,...on the one hand. Then, on the other hand, we were conditioned to believe that we belonged to the only true religion. We were right, everyone else is wrong. Such a bizarre juxtoposition of contradictory positions...

    Embarrassment, or shame, is not an unusual reaction in response to an outsider (walking into a kingdom hall, in a completely unorthodox context-as a rescue worker....) encroaching on our own private universe. The reaction of shame is to be expected when confronted with anyone who does not live in the same, conflicted, closed universe that we did. JWs are the masters of compartmentalization. When their JW lives interface with their "outside the kingdom hall" lives, watch out. Weird things happen.

    To combat my feelings of truly being horrid, I have learned to review all the evidence in my life to the contrary. What takes practice is starting the review of unhorridness before I get too far into dwelling on the horridness. (That really is the trick.)

    Take care with your heart, dude. Shoshana

  • Hellrider
    Hellrider
    Are you sure you weren't also frightened by what you saw, or by your father's condition in general, worrying that he would die?


    No. He wasn`t very nice. It`s complicated. I knew of course that I should have "loved him" (god, even using that word, which in my language is much stronger than in english, makes me cringe). How do you love someone that`s just mean, and never ever showed affection, even once. No, I don`t think I was that frightened. I was just embarassed (and of course, I know that makes me look like an evil person, and voilĂ , there`s some more shame, shame shame...even though I know I`m not evil or devoid of emotion, I love my own kid so much I`d kill myself if anything ever happened to him - for real).

    Candidly, I know. And psychological ... selftherapy-methods (?) works on paper, for me too, but not in the long run. I can think in the way you described, and feel better for a minute (I have tons of things from my childhood connected with shame, including two instances of "something sexual" with adults), but I can`t walk around doing that all the time, can I? What you described, works, but it has to be repeated ad nauseum, I`m afraid.

    Anyway, if anyone has other stories like this, please share. It could be our little "shame-thread", lol. How about those times you had to go to school all dressed up for service or meeting, because your parents were gonna pick you up afterwards and you didn`t have time to stop by the house to change? "Whisper whisper...mumble mumble backmouth...He`s one of those Jehovahs". Aaaaaarrrggghhh..... Please share...Don`t tell me I`m the only one that constantly wanted to be swallowed up by a hole in the earth...

    God, the humility.

  • Hellrider
    Hellrider

    Shoshana:

    Embarrassment, or shame, is not an unusual reaction in response to an outsider (walking into a kingdom hall, in a completely unorthodox context-as a rescue worker....) encroaching on our own private universe. The reaction of shame is to be expected when confronted with anyone who does not live in the same, conflicted, closed universe that we did.

    That`s it! That`s what I was trying to get across! Damn strange feeling that was. I remember that feeling like it was yesterday.

  • SuzieQ
    SuzieQ

    You sound like a sensitive person. I was a sensitive child also. I was constantly battling with how I should feel about being raised a JW. I really took the hype of being perfect to heart; it wasn't until I was an adult that I understood that it was not necessary to be so stiff and perfect and prim and proper. Your feelings are real to you, it doesn't mean that you are evil. It means we are human like everyone else, not perfect little witnesses in suits and dresses. Please don't beat yourself up over something you had no control over. It is painful to be different when you are a child. It's hard to belong anywhere, it's hard to accept yourself when you are constantly hearing; as JW we live by high standards. . . and all the other mantras we hear constantly, going to meetings 5 times a week! Start new mantras that enhance the person you are now. Yours truly, Daisymae

  • moanzy
    moanzy

    Hellrider,

    If it makes you feel any better, I used to hope everytime my step-dad was late coming home and the phone rang that it was the police saying that he was in a fatal car accident.

    Very sick and I cringe now, but he wasn't very nice most of the time. I think he tried hard and just got frustrated.( even though it was no excuse). No one cared to help us children deal and put in perspective the normal emotions children have growing up. It's not your fault for not having the support you needed to deal with what you were feeling as a child.

    Sorry to hear that you lost your dad

    Moanzy

  • sass_my_frass
    sass_my_frass

    No, you weren't evil then and are not now. The rules are different when you're a kid - it's going to take you all your life to work out your values, and at that age you can barely decide whether it's okay to use profanity.

    Interesting that they chose to hold your father down during his seizure; these days people are told to move out of their line of fire anything that they might injure themselves with like furniture, and let their body work through it on it's own. If you hold them still they can break bones and pull ligaments. Putting anything in their mouth is definitely out too - they're likely to swallow it or choke on it. Anyway it is pretty distressing to watch and no kid can be expected to watch something like that and react brilliantly and with courage.

    sorry about your dad!

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