A little story of JW-childhood-horror, and am I evil?
by Hellrider 19 Replies latest jw experiences
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lisavegas420
*nods head....Yes, Yes, I remember that, the shame, the embarassment. The guilt over the shame and embarassment.
lisa
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DannyHaszard
The shame of being a JW can be so overwhelming for children. I feel so sorry for all the JW-kids of the world. Being a JW-kid is just layer upon layer of shame, shame, shame, selfhatred, shame, shame, shame, shame over feeling ashamed, ashamed, ashamed! I sometimes wonder how I made it thru at all.
Hellrider you are not alone you just read my bio & epitaph!
In 1963 i was little 7year old JW boy in second grade when President John Kennedy was shot,the USA was in the throes of nationalistic fervor and the Watchtower was militant anti-world.I had a brutal time in school i am just a little baby and the WTS leaders who are making my rules and causing me to get beat up in the school yard are themselves insulated in their ivory tower with their own personal bodyguards
Damn your motherf**#&&
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DannyHaszard
Watchtower cult leaders f**ked us up good Danny Haszard born 3rd generation Jehovah's Witness 1957 first image below is from my first Watchtower theocratic 'coloring book' and my nightmares.
GHOULS for GOD
This pic above (not from the WT) is nearly identical to a Black and White 2' X 4' "visual aid" that my elder dad used in public talks all over during the mid 1960's. -
Hellrider
Interesting that they chose to hold your father down during his seizure; these days people are told to move out of their line of fire anything that they might injure themselves with like furniture, and let their body work through it on it's own. If you hold them still they can break bones and pull ligaments. Putting anything in their mouth is definitely out too - they're likely to swallow it or choke on it.
Wow, I didn`t know that. But now that you mention it, yes, that makes a lot more sense. I don`t know how aware the patient is, of things going on around him during a seizure, but it really must be scary when lots of people are trying to hold you down.
Moanzy:
If it makes you feel any better, I used to hope everytime my step-dad was late coming home and the phone rang ;that it was the police saying that he was in a fatal car accident.
Ok. And from the childs perspective, this leads to shame. You know, as a child, that you are not supposed to feel that way (wanting the parent to die, in your case)...but you still do. And that leads to shame, shame, shame. It`s only when the child grows up, that he/she can understand that there was a reason for wanting those things/feeling those things. When a child wishes for his/her parents death, any psychologist understands that something is wrong, not in the child, but in the relationship between child and parent. And the parent is to blame, always, because it is his/her responsibility to arrange the relation between child and parent in a way that makes it a good, productive, loving relationship. Of course, I know this, and I know that in my case, it wasn`t my fault either, that things were the way they were. But even though the mind knows, the heart is slow to follow.
Sorry to hear that you lost your dad
No worries. Long time ago, he died in -86, the day after my 13th birthday. Good thing we didn`t celebrate birthdays, ha ha. And here`s some more shame: At the funeral, I didn`t shed a tear. I knew allready then, that this was my ticket out, this was my way out. All the people at the funeral were probably shocked that I didn`t shed a tear, while my mother and little sister were just crying their eyes out. I was probably perceived to be pretty evil by the rest of the cong, yes. I cried a bit the following weeks, when I was alone in my room, so I wasn`t completely devoid of feeling over the old man, even though he never was much of a father. But I knew that I was free. The following spring and summer was the best of my life, just hanging out with the boys from school, camping out, chips and soda and comic books (of course, knowing that my fathers death was what had given me this freedom, and that this meant that a part of me was very happy that he had died, filled with more shame, shame, shame, of course...). Until my mother talked to the elders and had an aspiring young pioneer assigned to my case with Bible study and all that crap, that first year after my fathers death was a great year (except for the underlying shame, of course). But that`s another story.
Good feedback I`m getting from people here. This is my first feeling-oh-so-sorry-for-myself-thread, I think, and I think I understand why these threads pop up from time to time. I tried talking to psychiatrists about these things, the shame, but I don`t think any of them really understood what it was like. I don`t blame them for not understanding, JW-land is just another planet completely. I think the only people that can understand these things, are people who share the same background. So thanks, everyone (boy, my eyes are a bit wet now, that doesn`t happen very often, I must find my shades )
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mustang
H-R,
I know how you feel. I was the first JW kid in my county to go to public school. And that meant EDUCATING the school system about "our" quirks. Oh, boy, little did I know what I was in for!!!
Did you ever get the feeling that you just wanted to be normal? I never wanted to explain or make excuses for all this to the other kids/my peers.
Don't feel so bad if you didn't like it; our respective adults were putting us through HELL. It amounted to being THEIR choice, not ours.
And it was an UNNECESSARY torment, at that.
When I think of it that way, I don't worry too much about feeling bad for the adults that got us into this. I just "call it even" and "move on".
Mustang
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Hellrider
Mustang: Ok, that can`t have been easy. I had never heard that there even was a time when JW-kids didn`t go to public school, before I found this forum...I`m (relatively) young. That must have been horrible, explaining everything. Lots of meetings with parents and school, I guess. I don`t think it was easy for any kids, anywhere. At my school, we were 3 JW-kids, and not the same age. So, we were pretty much alone, all of us.
By the way, here`s a little poll. Which was worst, when...
A) ..in the first and second grage when you were invited to B-days, and had to explain these little "quirks" of ours, "no, I can`t come...it`s a pagan tradition...oh, and then there was this princess in the Bible that made her father cut of the head of John the baptist, and..."....and some normal kid is standing there looking at you like you`re from another planet, or...
B) When they finally get the message (that you`re weird and you come from a weird family) and stop giving you invitations.
It`s hard to decide, imo. Both A and B sucked pretty much the same.
I walked around the christmas tree too, once, in school, cause I was ashamed for not doing it (for being weird, basically). Of course, by doing it, that caused even more shame, oh, and of course, Jehovah wargod was of course gonna kill me for it.
Rot in pieces, mom and dad. How could they fall for that crap. How stupid is it possible to get.
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vitty
All I can say is "! f...k to my childhood.............................Im not alone
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moanzy
I remember in Kindergarten we had hotdogs for snack. It was so exciting! I ran in the house to tell my mom about our very cool snack and my mom freaked.
Yes she went on about how those hotdogs had blood in them and that it is a sin to eat blood. bla bla bla. I was barely 5yrs old!!!! But the guilt I felt was terrible. For a long time I wasn't sure if God would let me in the paradise.
Moanzy
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BluesBrother
The childhood years are tough when you are a J W kid. I can recall the stultifying fear that someone from school would see me out in the ministry. I once called on a friend of mine and wished the earth would swallow me up. Playground victimisation, Schoolteachers that allowed the class to make you a laughingstock - tell me about it . Then you are too young to know what is important and spend time grappling with a conscience over something that did not matter at all.
The myth is that everybody is in a happy family or happy marriage. The truth is very differnt . You are just a victim, like the rest of us .
Danny Haszard - This picture came from the WTS publication. {Isaiah Book 2001}
This pic above (not from the WT) is nearly identical to a Black and White 2' X 4' "visual aid" that my elder dad used in public talks all over during the mid 1960's.