My daughter has to call her 'mum'

katiekitten

Im sorry I havent been on the forum for ages. But like the prodigal son I have a problem now, and I would really appreciate some help and input.

I found out at the beginning of the week, by a slip of the tongue from my daughter, that she has been told by her dad to call his new wife 'mum'. Daughter is 8, and on questioning has said that she feels she might get told off if she doesnt use this term.

I initially phoned her dad to ask if this was true, and he told me she uses the term all the time and 'Its none of my business'. I was livid, and let this be known in no uncertain terms. I told him I would never ask her to call my partner 'dad', because you only have one mum and one dad. He stood and videoed me saying this ( I wasnt shouting and I didnt swear, nor did I make any threats). He refused to comment at all. He then phoned the police.

By coincidence, my daughter had just been on a weekend visit to Norway with her dad and his wife, and I had lent them her passport. He has now refused to give me the passport back and instead has gone to a solicitor.

I again went round his house to ask for the passport back, and he refused but he also refused to give me any information about what I could do to get it back (I have provisionally booked a holiday to Sweden at christmas for a week). He said he does not trust me after my 'rage', and does not know what I will do with the passport. The inferrence being I will leave the country with her and not come back. I told him I wanted to take her on holiday, but he told me 'you havent convinced me that is what you want to do'!

This is utterly ridiculous as I have a mortgage, a career, a fiance, a promotion in September, a daughter in school etc etc. I think he is just pretending to think this in order to justify withholding the passport. The truth is he had no input in the passport when I got it 4 years ago, and i have taken her aboad 5 times without any objection from him. Now all of a sudden he is pretending to be concerned about me taking her away. It is a control mechanism. I never questioned him at all when I handed the passport over. I handed it over freely, and now he expects me to fight via a solicitor to get it back.

I feel that he has linked it to my being mad at my daughter calling his wife 'mum' arbitrarily - its just a feeble excuse for him to justify not giving me the passport back. And it is all a control mechanism by him, to give him power.

I am going to refuse to fight for the passport. Among the reasons is that I dont have the money to fight it with solicitors. Also he wants to see me fight. If I dont get in the ring, he cant punch me. I have told my daughter we can only go on holiday in Britain until she is old enough to hold her own passport.

But I am so UPSET and HURT by all of this. And at the bottom, I have been crying most days thinking about my daughter having to call another woman 'mum'. It is SO WRONG.

What can I do?

luna2

Hey, katiekitten...glad to see you back. Sorry for all of the heartache with the ex. I wish I could think of a solution other than slipping some poisin into his porridge one morning. Bastard. I completely understand not having the $$ for legal action but is there some government agency that you could report him to?

It almost sounds like he's going to go for custody what with taping you being upset with him and his stupid wife over the "mum" thing (I'd hate that too, btw). Re the passport...you just can't be nice to some people, you know?

Wish I had more help to give.

(((kk)))

inbyathread

I am so sorry you have to go through that. How long is the passport good for? Another year or two? Joint custody would imply that both would have to sign for the new/updated passport. Get any agreements in writing.

Otherwise my only advice is what everyone gives when it comes to the elders. Your ex has control issues. You lose your control when you give it all to him. Don't give in to his issues. If in-country holidays are all you can do. Then do them. Good Luck

jwfacts

Hi KatieKitten, sorry to hear that you are down.

I have step children and one calls me Dad and the other calls me Paul. The younger girl was 5 when we got married and wanted to call me Dad, whereas the son was 10 and didn't want to. I just wanted them to feel comfortable. If your daughter feels happy calling her stepmum Mum than I don't think you should care too much, although if she does not like to do so your ex should not be pushing her.

Sometimes my stepson would refer to me as Dad when talking to his friends on the phone. I think he found it easier than having to explain who Paul is and did not like the term stepfather. I think your child will be able to work things out.

Frog

hi there Katie luv :)

Great to see you posting, but don't beat yourself up about being the prodigal poster, we all do that from time to time, that's what JWDs here fore :)

Your ex is definitely being highly unreasonable in all respects. It sounds like you would be best to reason it out with your daughter rather than trying to reason with them, since clearly decent people wouldn't request their child to call another woman mum when they are in the custody of their birth mother.

In respects to her passport though...can you not report it as being stolen, and just have it replaced? You said the father didn't have any input in your getting it for her in the first place, so you shouldn't need his help in having it replaced? Then simply tell him you've reported it as stolen so as to let him know that it's now invalid.

All the best though darl, and I just hate to think of you crying yourself to sleep over this :( The thing is they're only words your daughter is uttering until she is old enough to tell them where to go, in her heart and mind they mean nothing, and that's what really counts. You are her one and only mother and always will be. As for the passport situation well that can hopefully be fixed with the above.

Much luv to you, frog xxx

diamondblue1974

You need some serious legal advice Katie...I could help but I confess family issues are not my strong point but the partner in our family law section is one of the UKs leading family lawyer according to www.chambersandpartners.co.uk

If you need her details then PM me...shes amazing but not cheap.

DB74

greendawn

After reading your post I thought the same as Frog did, why worry so much over a passport and not just declare it lost or stolen and pay that £40 or so to get a new one, the state is always pleased to get some extra cash. Even if you don't have the passport number they can easily find it from the other info eg place of that passport's issue etc and you are only obliged to return it if you ever get it back.

Your ex is engaging in some psychological warfare against you and you shouldn't fall for it.

carla

So sorry for all you are going through! I would agree you need some sort of legal help, fast. I would not trust him at all. As for your daughter being required to call her 'mum', why must she call her anything?

Sounds odd but I know people who actually went years of not calling their new step dad/mom anything. They didn't feel comfortable calling them by their first name and sure as heck did not want to call them mom or dad! My kids have a step grandparent who came along later, they still to this day don't call the grandparents spouse anything, they simply look at the person when speaking and it's quite obvious who they are directing their comments to. Weird, but they just don't feel comfortable calling them by their first name and using 'grandma or grandpa' is awkward because they feel they already have one, this new one is not it.

blondie

I was an adult when my father remarried and called my stepmother by her first name.

I can see it would be confusing if your daughter called her stepmother by the same term she uses with you. There are many terms for mother here in the US, mom, mommy, mama, mum, mummie. Why not pick one for her to use with you other than "mum."

As to the passport...I would at least get some legal advice, even call the passport office without pulling them into the whole story.

I would also find out what specifically was said to your daughter causing her not to want to come home; be sure that she doesn't hear your conversations with your ex-husband as well.

Blondie (child of battling divorced parents)

DanTheMan

kk, sounds like your ex just wants to hurt you in any way he can, and this manipulating and scheming in regards to your daughter is obviously an effective method.

Geesh, why can't people just fucking grow up.

My sister goes through this shit with her ex constantly, it's really ridiculous. I feel for what you're going through.

My daughter has to call her 'mum'

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