by katiekitten 28 Replies latest jw friends
Hi Katie, I haven't read of all of the replies so not sure if this has been mentioned yet or not. Can you say the passport was lost and then get another one?
I'm sorry for the way you are being treated by your ex. It should be up to your daughter whether or not she wants to call this woman mum or not. Not her father.
Shari
WOW, thank you all for such fantastic and thorough advice. I will certainly read all of it carefully and consider what to do next.
My gut instinct is that he wants me to play into his hands and he wants to see me losing it. But when he videoed me I was so calm it was unbeleivable. He didnt really get the evidenvce he wanted. However, I do think he might be making a case to go for custody.
We dont actually have any court order from the divorce. We agreed between us, through solicitors, how the money would be split and I got residence of the child. Im not sure that residence is in a written document or not. I have always given him any access he asked for. For the first few years it was every third weekend (at his request), then in the last 18 months its been every other weekend and half the school holidays (again at his request). From last year he asked for every monday and I agreed. More recently he asked for another day a week and I refused but only because the daughter didnt want to go to him any more than she already did. He didnt fight it in the court because I think he knew he was already getting plenty access.
I have never withheld anything from him, I even let him take her to parents evening at school because he wanted to play the 'concerned parent' game. I handed the passport over freely to him when he asked for it. I have used it 5 times without him ever querying it. It was just fortunate that he had it in his posession when I got mad about something. It was a great way to punish me.
I dont want to get a solicitor to fight for the passport because I think he WANTS me to waste time and emotional energy fighting for it. I think it will give him some gratification seeing me struggle for it. I have completed a lost form and am going to see if I can get a replacement. I didnt need his input when I first got the passport so I wont need his input now I dont think. I will see what happens. I dont think it will be too hard to get a replacement, unless there is some secret thing solicitors do in these situations to prevent you applying for a replacement.
Once again thank you for such great detailed advice, im really grateful to you and will definately consider it all carefully.
Good for you for keeping your calm, katie. I agree that it sounds as though he is going to make a bid for custody, now that he's settled in with a new spouse and has someone he can rely on to help him out with child care responsibilities.
As far as him requiring your daughter to call her step-mum "mum", particularly when she doesn't want to do it, she is going to resent him for forcing this on her eventually. At the age of 8 she is able to understand that this as an attempt to control her, and it will likely backfire on him at some point in the future, and she will see him as an @r$ehole someone who puts his own wishes and ego ahead of his daughter's feelings. She's probably afraid that you would be angry with her as much as she feels torn between loyalty to you and wanting not to offend her dad and his new wife. Maybe she just wants some reassurance that you understand that she is being put in an awkward position, and that sometimes going along with her dad's wishes in an effort to be nice or to keep the peace isn't going to get you upset with her. Maybe telling her something like "It's ok to call her mum, if it makes them happy, and it's ok if you really don't mean it when you say it."
As far as the passport goes, you can file a report with the police, and ask them to escort you to his place to collect it. File charges of theft against him, and say to the police that you reckon he might leave the country with her. And then don't ever lend it to him again. Beat him at his own game. The last thing a control freak male wants is a police record... and having his name and photograph on file at all the airports security offices, or in the newspaper. I don't remember if you said he was a JW or not, but if he is, let him know that you can go to the Elders™ about it too, and mess up his ability to have Privileges™ at the KH.
Thanks Scully.
I tried not to talk to her about it at first, because the last thing I wanted was for her to feel torn between two loyalties. She was ever so embarrased when she let it slip in my presence, and I didnt make a fuss, but it was clear she had been hiding it well from me.
Instead I phoned him and said she had let it slip and was it something she said often, he said 'all the time'. I asked him if he had asked her to do it, and he said yes he had and that it was none of my business. I went round his house and told him and his wife that it was wrong and that you only had one mum, and that I would never ask her to call my partner 'dad' because she only had one dad. My daughter wasnt around for this exchange. (this was the one he videoed).
I later broached the subject with my daughter and told her I didnt mind what she said or did, and I understood the position she was in being between me and dad, and that I would never ask her to do anything. I asked her if she had a choice what to call Natasha, and if she wanted to, would she be able to call her Natasha. She told me she felt that she would be told off if she didnt call her mum, and she said "daddy tells me off for eveything". I said I had told daddy he was wrong to ask her to call Natasha mum, and I didnt think he should have put her in that position, but if she was going to get told off about it then I understood she had to do it, but that I had feelings about it and I didnt like what daddy had asked her to do.
I guess what I am frightened of is that he will make it seem normal (she is only 8), and that she might call her mum all her life. I really want her to feel that its wrong eventually and have the courage to stop doing it, but I cant ask her to stop because its too much to ask an 8 yr old to choose between making her dad angry or hurting her mum. He should have NEVER put her in that position. A naughtier child would have refused, but she is very obedient and she does anything to avoid conflict.
He is not a dub, but he is VERY victorian in his parenting, very strict, and intolerant of anything other than complete obedience. She says that she always gets told off at his house because there are so many rules, and there is always something she had done wrong. Which is utterly ridiculous because everyone agrees she is the most obedient sensible careful child. She never deliberately does anything wrong. I honestly dont think I have had to tell her off since she was 3, and I only have to remind her of things like 'shut the door behind you', or 'put your crayons away when you have finished'.
I have tried to be careful around her about this issue, but in the end she had to know, because when I went round his house to get the passport and a coat he had, and he refused to give it over I refused to leave until he had told me what I needed to do to get the passport back, so instead of telling me his conditions he phoned the police. I waited patiently for them to come because I wanted to talk to them, but naturally it upset my daughter who was in my car. He said I dont know how you can do this infront of her, and I said all I want to know is what you expect me to do to get use of the passport and I will go. But he wouldnt tell me and phoned the police instead. They couldnt do anything because I was sat waiting patiently, and not making a scene. They just said to me to sort it out through the solicitor and not to play into his hands.
Hi Katie -
Long time no see...!!
I have never withheld anything from him, I even let him take her to parents evening at school because he wanted to play the 'concerned parent' game.
It's time for this to stop. It feels to me like he is setting you up and trying to build a case against you. The fact that you did not go to this program puts you in bad light. Consider finding a way to attend these events together.
On the upside, your daughter is getting older and, if he does petition for custody, may be able to tell the judge who she wants to live with.
Best of luck to you - especially while dealing with this emotional issue.
-Aude.
Katie...
I know this must hurt!!! BUT it sounds like your daughter is lovely, intelligent and well mannered. She will work out (and probably already has) what is going on here.
I am one half of a seperated couple, and my children quickly worked out their dad was treating me badly, even though I never said a word about him.
I think the idea of maybe suggesting another word for mum... might be better? Maybe even MumTash, or something like that so she can 'please' her dad and still not feel disloyal to you.
I have much respect for the way you are handling this. It appears your daughter already feels uncomfortable with what her dad is asking her and will not suddenly get more comfortable with it as she gets older. My mum remarried when I was 8. She insisted we called our stepfather 'dad' even though he was an evil person.
We did this in public, in private (only to each other!) we called him by his name, soon we dropped the dad and just didnt' refer to him at all.
You love your daughter, she loves you, she will NEVER get confused as to who her mum is.
Poppy xxxxx
((((((Kattie)))))))
I don't know if this is good advice but when you see your daughter just remind her that you are her real mummy and nobody can love her more than you and the other woman is her dad's new wife that will look after her when you are not around.
What do you think? It the truth and when she grows up she'll see for what it is - the truth.
Hi katie, it's great to see you back. I am so sorry that you are going through all this. I can't really add to the excellent advice you have been given already, but I will be thinking of you, and hoping that everything turns out well for you. I cannot even start to understand why your ex is acting in this way, you have given him no reason to do so, but one thing I do know - your daughter will always know who her true mum is, nothing will ever change that.
I hope with all my heart that things will turn out well for you and your daughter.
all my love
Linda
It is SO WRONG.
Katie first off
{{{{Hugs}}}}
I have five children. My ex husband pulls stuff like this all the time. He is dating my ex best friend and when we were going through the divorce and he told her I wanted to kill her, so she files for an injunction, then two weeks before my divorce hearing, she files violation charges against me for being at my own son's baseball games. She tried to have me thrown in jail so that my ex would get full custody. It back fired, becasue I pled not guilty and decided to let it go to trial. The divorce hearing went on and then miracoulsy the day I was to be in court with a public defender the charges got dropped, the divorce was not final until 5 months later and they thought they had won. It is a mind control thing to see who is in charge. (and non of are JWs) This only one thing these two snakes in the grass ( putting it nicely not my choice words in person for them) have done to me over the past 4 years. Oh by the way I won the custody battle. I did not ask for full custody I asked for shared custody I get them one week their dad gets them the next. There is no child support. He is not a bad father was just a horrible husband, ( well it could be argued he is bad becasue he pulls some of those mind games on them) The judge sited that his cohabitating with the girfriend and them trying tohave the kids testify against me gave the judge the reason to side with me. I told him to tell her Thank you for helping me win the custody battle. By the way I would die if my kids called this woman mother, so I completely understand, I am the one that birthed these children, and went through the labor with them. I understand if children do not have the other parent in their life at all, because of death maybe or becaue the other parent ( like my real dad) chose to not be apart of their life. I would not want the daughter of the JW guy i am with to ever call me Mom out of respect of her real mom ( even though that evil witch does not deserve it.)
Hang in there girl don't give up. Don't give them any rope to hang you with but don't take their shit either.
