May I pay for your wedding? And your baby shower? and your house warming?

by LDH 37 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Jankyn

  Count the Oregon coast as a place for potluck weddings, anniversary parties and baby showers. Yep. Usually held at the Senior Citizens Center (after someone decided that the American Legion Hall was part of Christendom, for some reason).

  My cousin, who had taste, was quite criticized for having a catered wedding at a hotel. There were concerns because she had champagne punch in one of the bowls, so my mother had me write a note to put in front of the "spiked" punch bowl that said "Over 21 only, please." Not that any of the JWs paid the least bit of attention.

  I used to make a game of guessing who was there by looking at the buffet table. It was easy.
• 

  rebel8

  From an etiquette perspective, the main purpose of the wedding reception is to thank and extend hospitality to those who attended the wedding. When you are a host, you are obligated to provide your guests with hospitality and refreshments, not the other way around. A lot of brides and grooms get this confused; they think it is a day to have your guests be your slaves.

  It's fine etiquette-wise to allow guests to contribute food or work to the reception, as long as they offer. I have a big problem with asking guests to bring food or help prepare/serve it. That does reflect a real sense of entitlement, ie, "I deserve to have a big reception I can't afford, and others are obligated to pay/prepare/serve."

  Reciprocity is an important element of social relationships, and if you have one without it, you don't have much of a relationship at all...rather a one-sided interaction where the favors flow in one direction. However, even if you have been the one to "cater" everyone else's receptions, you aren't entitled to others doing the same for you. If they don't, you are entitled to feel slighted, used, angry, etc., and change your relationship with the person....but to expect ppl to be your slaves for the day....uh uh. (speaking from personal experience about reciprocity)

  Hosting a potluck dinner (non-wedding-related) at your house is different. The host invites ppl who he/she knows are probably willing to do the potluck thing and the party's purpose is mutual socialization & sharing, not extending hospitality to the people who were kind enough to attend your wedding.

  JMHO
• 

  Dismembered

  I've found too, that the Watchtower Alcohol Police/ "elders" who impose and even force, their opinions on ones getting married that "there be no alcohol" is because many of them are former drunks. So we have to pay for their past behavior by sitting there and be happy eating jello cake and drinking punch.

  That's another way that some of us pay for their wedding.

  Dismembered
• 

  cruzanheart

  I do remember one older pioneer sister, Carol, who gave someone a hard boiled egg slicer as a swedding hower gift.

  That made me smile! We received a ton of gifts for our wedding, almost 23 years ago, and some of the BEST gifts were the little things that we are STILL using. One is a very simple, half lid shaped strainer that I use with EVERYTHING. Another is a flat frosting spreader that is the perfect shape and size for frosting cupcakes and cinnamon buns. I'd actually like to own an egg slicer but mine broke a few years ago and I haven't bothered to replace it.

  We did a potluck dinner at the town community center for our wedding reception, because my parents were really really cheap. I'd elope if I could do it all over again -- at least then I'd have air conditioning and liquor. Man, it was HOT that June! I don't know how our foremothers stood it with all those friggin' petticoats and long dresses. However, no one was commanded to bring a dish -- everything we had was lovingly offered and everyone had about as good a time as the JWs would allow.

  Yep, I'd definitely elope.

  Nina
• 

  katiekitten

  When I was a kid KH weddings were always a Town Hall / tressle tables with paper tablecloths jobbie. It did reflect what people could afford (not much). All the sisters used to make sandwiches and vol-au-vonts in a theocratic production line. All the kids used to run up and down the stairs of the town hall and up and down in the lift until the old caretaker told us off.

  Some single ministerial servant used to play one too many kingdom songs on his guitar sat on the stage (there was always a stage at a Town Hall). Some brother used to give The Longest Prayer In The History Of Mankind before the grub. The old ladies used to go home at 6pm to pull their curtains on, and leave the young ones to dance to 'Now Thats What I Call Kingdom Melodies no 32" or "Kingdom Melodies Best Hits" or "The Very Best of Jehovah God".

  The happy couple left at 7pm cos they were desperate for a shag, and everyone else nodded and winked knowingly. Then everyone else left at 7.30 cos it was so f00king boring.

  I didnt have a tressle table job because I didnt want everyone and his dog there. So all financial help was withdrawn by my father in law who was going to help out, and so we had the smallest wedding ever. It was rubbish. I should never have got married.
• 

  Jamelle

  LOL! Boy does this bring back memories. Add Indiana to that list of states where the potluck reigns supreme in dub-dumb!

  Over the course of 19 years, I went to many, many, many, many weddings and wedding showers and baby showers. Don't think there was ever a house warming party, must be a regional thing.

  I can remember on one hand, the events that didn't expect all the guests to bring food.

  While I don't automatically disprove of the theory of potluck weddings/shows - they may be entirely appropriate and expected and welcomed in certain groups of people or regions of the country - I remember the Witness gatherings like this through a haze of disgust.

  To me the unwritten rules about how Witness weddings would occur equalled the concept - why spend money or effort on over glorifying an event in the day of a rank and file JW's life? To do so would be wastefull and unbecoming to a true Christian. Blah, blah, blah...

  I guess I feel that the shabby "celebrations" I remember were examples of a larger problem in the Witness community.

  The worst were when the reception hall was a gymnasium - but I guess it felt comfortable to the bride/groom since most of them had barely graduated (and some hadn't yet!). Sorry - that was pretty snarky of me!

  There are many, many options available regarding weddings now a days that don't involve spending ridiculous amounts of money. Dessert receptions, appetizer receptions, etc. are a great alternative. Using creativity and the help of willing volunteers can turn small funds into big impact. I know because I had to do it when hubby and I paid for our own wedding. We wanted our day to be special and our guests to feel welcomed.

  But anything different or out of the norm that brides in my area tried to do was looked at askance. People felt like the bride (somehow the groom was never talked about - funny huh?) was putting on airs by trying to do anything nicer than normal.

  Just another example of how the Witness lifestyle sucks every last drop of joy from anything!
• 

  silentWatcher

  Lisa, I'm having flashbacks to Auburn! I also think I know who you mean -- Paul Reed or Jerry Thompson (who reminds me of Moe from the 3 stoogies)? He actually wanted to block my grandfather from getting baptized. Whatever.
  
  Actually, the problem for most Wit-lesses is they feel obligated to invite everyone in the congregation (~100 peeps). And if the bride and groom hail from different congregations, then ~200 peeps BEFORE family and friends. That makes catering impossible for anyone, especially if the parents have PhD's from Awake U.
  
  My (worldly) cousin did it right -- invite a small number of family and friends (approximately 30 - 40 for each side: total 80 people), and have a really nice gathering. It was really initmate, and actually the most fun I've ever had at a wedding.
  
  -silent
• 

  LDH

  Silent,

  It was your mom that gave me a gift for Eden in a Chappel's box. I thought that was pretty damn cool actually.

  You pegged it on the elder, it was Paul Reed. Of course, that *WAS* a rather bizarre elder's meeting. Bill Brigden's amazing question of spiritual awareness was, "What color is the father?"

  LOL I bet you're spewing your Corona right about now.

  The truth is, I am a very generous person. Most people whom I've given to since leaving the JW world have always been reciprocal. I think the rub in JW-dom is that the very people whom you help fund their life's events, can later turn around and snub you as thought *YOU* don't exist. If that's not a fairweather friend, I don't know what is!

  Lurkers take note, if you are planning to fade, save yourself some money and quit giving gifts now, LOL.

  Lisa

  Bill, I guess you figured it out at the same time as the rest of the Congregation Class