by Es 21 Replies latest jw friends
Es,
Maybe when you have the new baby and you send out the birth announcements to your friends and family it can say at the bottom...
We are very sad my parents have chosen to ignore my children because of my decisions, if you'd like to be a surrogate grandparent please let me know ASAP as it is important for children to have the love and support from as many people as possible.
But then again....maybe I'm just being mean.
Big hugs,
Chrystal
Es, I am sorry you are hurt, I really know how you are feeling. I was DF'd in '91 and after many years of being shunned by my father we started talking occassionally, mainly when he wanted someone to fix his computer (I'm in IT). After a year or two of a phone call once a month or so I got engaged; now I thought that because I was doing the right thing as he would see it that he would be happy to come to the wedding, he had also told me when I was DF'd that he would still come to my wedding and nothing would stop him from doing that. You know where this is going don't you....... I got a phone call a couple of weeks later to tell me that it would disturb his conscience to come to my wedding, and would look bad in the congregation. He was an elder at the time and how the congregation viewed him was the only thing that ever mattered to him, despite the fact that his children despised him for his cruelty. He didn't come to the wedding and to be honest he wasn't missed; I have a wondeful wife who my father has met once and that was just to say farewell before we emigrated. I doubt I will ever see him again, even when we have kids and he becomes a grandfather; I am still very angry and very sad about the way he has treated me but I have to work my way through it. One of the ways is to be here, I have not been on here for a year or so but now I have made it to a stage in the healing process where I think I can gain alot by talking to people here, and hopefully my perspective and experiences can help others realise that they are not alone and not the only ones feeling hurt. What goes around comes around, my sister DA'd herself a couple of years ago and wrote a long letter about my father's cruelty to the body of elders. They removed him as an elder which must have come as a blow to someone who set so much store in his station in the congregation. You parents sound like they do not know how to deal with the pain they are feeling, being a JW conditions you to be so hard hearted that that you can cut off even your own blood. I hope you can look at your husband and Blake and focus on the wonderful things you have in your life. Don't give your parents the power to keep hurting you, I know that sounds trite but your being angry is only hurting you and not them. Keep smiling Steve
ps...spoke to your mum the other day she misses blake alot.........Now i have never stopped them from seeing blake nor speaking to him, and now they are telling people in the congregation things like that..... im so angry that they are playing the vicitm card here
Well that's what JWs do, isn't it? They tell us that they can't associate with us. They treat us like crap - shunning us, hanging up the phone on us - and when we give them what they want, they get all "boo hoo, I'm being persecuted, because I can't see my grandchild because I'm shunning his mother".
When my JW relatives start treating ME appropriately again, they will have the privilege of associating with my children again. They do not get to have their cake and eat it too. We are not the bad guys here. The JWs relatives have chosen to shun, expecting to get some kind of satisfaction out of watching us beg for their attention and affection - holding it out like a carrot on a stick with the condition of us going back to the vomit we left behind JWs.
We have to show them that this tactic will not work with us. They do not get to have the privilege of having access to our kids so that they can brainwash our most precious charges behind our backs, and turn them against us. They do not get the privilege of seeing photos of us or our children. They don't get the privilege of receiving phone calls or emails or visits. They do not get the privilege of receiving invitations to graduation ceremonies or weddings. They do not get the privilege of receiving postcards when we go on holidays. They get from us what we get from them. NOTHING. They are the ones who drew the line in the sand and verbalized their wishes to have no contact with us. They have no right to expect anything other than for us to respect their wishes.
Whenever it comes up and JW relatives moan about how we've cut them out of our lives, we have to reinforce that we are only respecting their wishes that they verbalized to us. If they want things to go back to the way they were, they have to apologize for their appalling behaviour, and they have to put the effort into the reconciliation. Depending on how long they wait, we may or may not decide to extend forgiveness and grant them the privilege of being part of our lives again.
He said, she said, who said, they said...PAH!
Adults own up to their own feelings and confront those they love directly.
I'd text back, "Mom can speak for herself. How are YOU doing?"
They will do anything to pursue "theocratic intrests"! We all know this. I find it better to feel pity for them in their deeply pathetic state as opposed to being angry. If we're going to get angry, get angry at the source of the stupidity. It's a self serving system that only wants you back on the roll call so it can flaunt in its magazines that GOd is blessing it. Don't take it personally, it will get the best of you.
I can relate! My parents tell my non-jw family they call me on my cell (only phone I have) and I just don't call back. They say it hurts their feelings, being out of my life. Oh, and they email me too. That pissed me off. I showed my aunt my cell records - SURPRIZE! no calls. Now the JW family openly admits they are shunning me to draw me back to Jehovah and tell my non-jw relative they are the reason I am still out because they refused to shun me too. They lie more that the non-jws I know. It makes me sick. I am out of the jws and still defending myself against them. If they really miss Blake, they can see him but you do not need to feel any responsibility for their choices. He is their flesh and blood and if they choose not to be a part of his life now it is really their loss. Hopefully, they will change their minds.
I appreciated the point you made Es that Jw parents shouldn't make the grandkids feelings hurt or feel bad because mommy or daddy doesn't worship Jehovah anymore. It seems that our JWs parents enjoy punishing us through our children..
Orangefatcat
thanks fullofdoubtbnow,drewsagan and whitewaves i agree with everything you say
greendawn-its quite possible she added that on her own accord afterall she did invite me to there assembly in a couple of weeks....i must be her pet project for the month
whygeorgia- I love it !!!!!!!!!!!
Satanlittlehelper- i understand totally my parents never came to my wedding either, they quite happily went to my cousins who is not a JW but couldnt come to mine coz i was baptized and i should have known better
Scully- well said as always
jgnat- thats the thing my mum cant speak for herself every email she has sent about this every letter she has sent has always been my dad and she has dictated it and put from mum down the bottom.
OFC- Very true
es
Oh, Es! Your parents wouldn't come to your wedding? Jeez, how mean! My hubby and I didn't bother with the waffling... we just went to Las Vegas and sent them notices, ha!
They just have to relent towards you. They will miss you terribly and give in. They won't be able to bear not seeing their grandchildren, either. I hope your husband understands about this wacko religion. Mine tries to comphrehend it, but it really is baffling, if you haven't been raised to think it's all normal.
Lots of best wishes to you!
Hi hon, listen if you think this is really it with them, it's time to be tough about it. Text her with something like "I've heard that you're missing Blake, but there's no need to. You're welcome to come over and see him any time." You're not going to allow them to see him without you, so he's safe, and it probably won't happen anyway, knowing as we do that they're crazy people, but if it does they're forced to act slightly human to you. You should make contact, wait for nothing to happen, and then go with WhyGeorgias birth announcement idea.
How are things with Mr Es' folks, do you hear from them a lot? Are they all excited about the pregnancy? This is their first grandchild isn't it?
So happy that you're all well!!
