by JH 18 Replies latest jw friends
Next time you go to visit, before you get out of the car:
- take a deep breath, and let it out
- repeat to yourself.... "I will remain calm, and I will silently use the word 'whatever' when I am in need"
- remember that no one will ever love you as much as they do
- be happy that you still have them around, and that they aren't just memories.
remember that no one will ever love you as much as they do- be happy that you still have them around, and that they aren't just memories.
That's true, and I'll remember that.
Probably I have a few faults myself that irritates them.....
JH,
My parents were 40 & 45 when I was born, so by the time I got into my 30's they were 70 & 75, my being the youngest it fell to me to take care of them in their old age.
I used to get irritated with my folks too, they could not seem to understand even the most simple thing like you mentioned. I took care of them in my home till they passed for 5 years. Dad died first at 85 then Mom lived 5 more years and she died at 85 too. Mom would get all mixed up in her 70's and later I found out that both of my parents suffered from harding of the arteries. Which meant less blood flow from heart to the brain and affected their ability to think clearly. It explained why my mother was so forgetful, especially her short term memory did't exist. By the time they were in their 80's I was 40 myself.
I hear myself doing and saying the same darn stupid things to my sons that irritated me about my Mom. The point is you're aging yourself and will have some of the same irritating behavior that drove you crazy about your own parents. The thing is I'm an older parent myself, my boys came along when I was in my 30's. My youngest son constantly reminds me Mom you just asked me that. Mom why do you keep saying that. I can see right now he will have little to do with me in my old age because he is so irritated by my getting old and acting it.
As we age our minds don't work as clearly as we would like them too. We slow down to the point that we barely feel like we're moving. Be patient with them, don't become angry. Realize that most of it is just the natural process of aging. I learned a lot taking care of my parents, after a while I quit correcting them, it stressed me out and hurt them and was down right cruel. Think what will it hurt if they say it wrong? As for your Dad and him not hearing you, it could be that his brain is trying to catch on to what your saying and once it does he is hearing you. But at the beginning you have to do a lot of repeating.
As the old saying goes " Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" Imagine yourself their age, find out what it is like and have a little understand. My brother who was 13 years older than me had no patience with my folks when he visited them, and it was really hurtful to them. There are some wonderful books on dealing with aging parents, I recommend you read some of them.
I'm 55 now and disabled I understand so much more now than I did when I was younger, and you will too. Learn patience before you blow a gasket at one or the other of them. Oh and never talk to them across the room, make sure they can see you, and yell if you need to so they can hear you. I've still got my Mom's hearing aid, I get them out and look at them sometmes and think it won't be long before I need them myself. Look at your Dad and realize one day that is going to be you.
Balsam
Thanks for your post Balsam.
I'll be patient with them. I'll try to be less robotic and not expect a direct answer to a direct question, like I expect with younger people.
I followed a course in computers, and I know that a faster computer has to slow down to the speed of a slower computer in order to communicate. They call that hand shaking.....
JH if you are 73 y 6mo 2days old they must be near 100. What do you expect from them?
Ken P.
I know how frustating it can be. My Mother had Vascular Demetia. Small little strokes that ate away her brain. Each day I would go there she saw me as a different person. But hardly ever as me. It was very difficult. I kept checking my watch wondering how long I would have to stay.
It doesn't sound like your mother has Alzimers but rather it's just age. The short term memory is the hardest for us to keep. But things that happened years ago seem very fresh in our minds. Curent day may be difficult to focus on.
So make the best of it. Talk to them about the things that interest them. Ask them how they met, even if you know. Say you want to hear it again. Talk about your childhood. Their childhood. Things that are important to them. And what ever you do sit them down one at a time and tell each of them separtly how important they are to you. Not the token,"I love you Mom." But really comunicate your feelings. Because when they are gone you will be sorry you didn't.
Also sometimes getting them focused on something can help them focus better on what your talking about. Do it one at a time. Take one of them to a zoo. Or to a place that is your place and share it with one of them. Spend some quality time. Like they tell you to do with your children. Now you are the adult and they are the children. It goes full circle.
My best to you.
My mom is very nice, and every time I go over, she will ask my 5 times if I had dinner and if I want something to eat. I'll tell her, thank-you mom but I already ate. Then she will say are you sure you aren't hungry, I can give you some more....and I'll say, yes I'm sure. I ate and I'M not hungry anymore and thanks alot. But she will repeat this about 3 or 4 times while I'm there, and even when I leave.
To a mother, food means love. Can't you see that your mother is telling you that she loves you?
Forgive your parents for growing old. Try to enjoy your time with them. It will all be over soon enough.
Agreed Robdar. Have patience - when they are no longer here we might strain to recall the sound of their voice, the color of their eyes or the memories shared. My mother is permanently bedridden and has been in poor shape for years - she has multiple issues including a brain tumor, hearing loss and partial blindness. My father has Parkinsons. Despite all this I don't really see them as old and I never get angry with them. I see that as they age and as they become more dependent on others, their world gets smaller. I only hope when I am their age, I have people around who love me and care to spend time with me - just as they do.
That is one of the most horrific aspects of the Watchtower - by ripping apart families, many will never know that level of love and compassion and I find that, quite frankly, sickening.
sammieswife.
My mom is not really that old, but you would think she was 100 by the way she acts. However, in her defense, she has post polio and she wears two braces, one on each leg and has 40% lung capacity in one lung and 60% in the other. I tried once to tease her and say well that equals one hundred percent but that just made her cry and I felt horrible.
She can drive me crazy because when she does not want to do something she claims a handicap, but when she really wants to do something, heaven cannot stop her. So a lot of it is an excuse. I ride her all the time about woking with a therapist to help her build up what strength she has left, but I think she has given up. The people in her congo have been great. They put up with a lot from her. I know that some day I will end up having her live with me, but I keep trying to get her to keep up her health so it does not happen sooner rather then later.
The upside is that my mom never thought her parents would get old in this system because that is what they are taught, so the fact that she has dealt with them (and they drove her nuts) during their aging process, I am able to remind her of what she went thru and she calms down a little, but who knows how long that will last for.
I know my mom clings to the paradise idea because of being handicapped her entire life. I am not the person to take that away from her. The post polio thing really sucks because that causes so many other issues on top of the getting old thing.
