As you know, I discovered Jesus late one night while surfing Jehovah on the net. I ordered my plastic Jesus, he duly arrived heralded by a mighty trumpet blast and he and I have inseperatable ever since. It's not easy being the only true christian in the world. I thought you might like to know where I get all my bible paraphenalia.
Gadgets for God:
The God Pod:
It's a low-cost digital device containing 160 hours of audio files. The whole of the Old and New Testaments (well, you want to hear every one of the begats, don't you?) are playable in spoken form.
Best of all, being solar-powered, the device is accessible to the developing world where electricity is still a luxury. And for lazy westerners, what could be better than listening to every verse of the Book of Habakkuk while basking on a beach?
We liked this little gaj so much we gave it the ship treatment. It's still technically known as the Megavoice – but that's too, well... 80's for us. We re-christened it the GodPod. Apple saviour Steve Jobs, time to meet another one here.
Ten Plagues Finger Puppets:
"This little boil went to market. This little locust stayed at home. And this little plague sneaks into bedrooms in the middle of the night and mercilessly smites children of your age – on purely racial grounds. Goodnight, darling. Sweet dreams."
For just $16.95 you can scare the shibboleth out of your first-born with this inspiring set of finger puppets. All 10 plagues sent to Pharoah’s Egypt are here, including flies, thunder, hail, gnats, darkness. As the sales blurb puts it: "There is NO DOUBT about it. KIDS LOVE the story of the 10 Plagues... Here is just the right thing to keep your children interested in the Haggadah... and GUARANTEE they don't fall asleep..."
Kingdom Hall Call Jammer:
Even at the most solemn moment of a funeral service, with relatives of the deceased weeping quietly into handkerchiefs, rest assured that William will roll up to add his special blessing. Rossini's WilliamTell, that is – set at "outdoor" on someone's mobile. Nothing is more intrusive, impolite and plain embarrassing. But now, at last, for those of us brassed off with monotone Mozart and high-pitched Handel, salvation dawns – a signal jammer that blocks all calls round a building.
Developed by Israeli electronic-warfare experts, the device is being trialled by four churches in Monterrey, Mexico. "Before we had the system, it was very uncomfortable hearing calls during the celebration of mass. But now it's 95 per cent quiet," said Bulmaro Carranza, from the Sacred Heart Church. "We are getting calls from all over the world to see how it can be installed in other churches – but only when the services are over!"
Pioneer Door Knocker:
OK, it looks like something a mafioso might wear – or something your family planning adviser might suggest – but be not afraid! Allow the Doorknocker Company to introduce this Mormon gadget: "Knocking doors all day makes for sore knuckles. Many missionaries will tell you they carried a stone, golf ball or coin to knock doors. But the Missionary DoorKnocker helps to stop the long months of knuckle pounding."
For as little as $6, you can own your very own DoorKnocker, and apparently you can even make it a family tradition and pass it on to your kids when they too become Mormon missionaries. DoorKnockers come in Brass or Silver Aluminum along with a velvet carrying pouch.
Shoes of the Fisherman:
Now your soles really can magnify the Lord. Shoes of the Fisherman sandals leave their unique message "in the sand at the seashore, on sidewalks after a rain shower, and on wet pool decks." Because, "while the words disappear as the sands shift and the sidewalk dries, these footprints leave the greatest impression on the soul."
Hand-finished in Thailand, Shoes of the Fisherman sandals are blue and white with a contoured insole, and are "waffled to keep feet cool." Take your first steps into a new world of witnessing for just $19.95 (plus postage and packing). Click here to order!
Thanks to Karen & Simon Filsell of St Albans for sharing thisGadget with us.
Gospel Magic Glasses:
We see in a glass darkly," said St Paul in one of his thoughtful moments. If only he'd been able to get his hands on one of Diamon-Fusion International's "Gospel Magic" drinking glasses... then he'd have seen something else entirely in his whisky glass.
The Gospel Magic glass looks perfectly ordinary when it's sitting empty on the bar. But fill it with a cold drink, and the face of Jesus appears. "As long as the liquid is cooler than the room, it will continue to show," says the manufacturer. "Even when wiped away it will reappear and can't be wiped off" – a detail St Paul would certainly have turned into a theological point. Only $20.00 for the 10 1/2 oz cocktail glass.
Bible Message Camera:
A gift for proselytizers everywhere, the Bible Message Camera offers you the perfect opportunity to witness while boring everyone to death with pictures of the dog on vacation.
Pre-loaded with 35mm "Special Message Film", this $14.95 camera brands your photos with 24 inspirational verses from the Bible in a unique, clash-with-the-photo-itself style. What better way to accent the memories of the kids' birthday parties than with various non sequitur verses? It can even be re-used, but be warned: unless you reload with "Special Message Film", the camera will lose its religion.
Bobblehead Jesus:
Owners of cars worldwide are set to banish nodding dogs from their back shelves – replacing them with Someone much more significant. While Buddy Christ keeps a watchful eye over you and your passengers from the dashboard, Bobblehead Jesus does a bishoply work from your car's back shelf – affirming drivers as they pull up behind with outstretched arms and a gentle, welcoming nod of the cranium.
"Of course, nobody knows what Jesus really looked like," confess the manufacturers, "but this is our best guess since we know He had a head that moved!" BHJ stands about 8" tall, is hand painted and made of high-quality polyresin. You will need buy velcro (or alternative) for use in a car.
The Fire Bible:
Just when you were about to yawn about being sold yet another translation of the good book... a scorching new edition lights your life. The new AV – Arsonist's Version.
As the sales blurb sizzles: "When was the last time your class saw how 'HOT' God's Word is? Open this authentic-looking 'Bible' and begin to share the scripture for the day as real flames are seen coming from your 'Bible'. This full-size book comes with a battery-operated ignition system. All you supply are the batteries, lighter fluid and composure..."
Just when you were about to yawn about being sold yet another translation of the good book... a scorching new edition lights your life. The new AV – Arsonist's Version.
Last Supper / Memorial Wall Clock:
Here's proof that Pilate's heavies weren't the first to brutalise Jesus at his trial. Several hours before, in the Upper Room, a Chinese clockmaker pierced him to the heart, ensuring you, too, can be the proud owner of the Last Supper Wall Clock. And look, to make a real meal of it, the timepiece belts out the Hallelujah Chorus every hour (as, of course, the disciples did during the first eucharist). Sensitively, the chime is suspended between 11pm and 6am - to prevent the disciples' suffering from sleep deprivation on the Mount of Olives, no doubt.
Here's proof that Pilate's heavies weren't the first to brutalise Jesus at his trial. Several hours before, in the Upper Room, a Chinese clockmaker pierced him to the heart, ensuring you, too, can be the proud owner of the Last Supper Wall Clock. And look, to make a real meal of it, the timepiece belts out the Hallelujah Chorus every hour (as, of course, the disciples did during the first eucharist). Sensitively, the chime is suspended between 11pm and 6am - to prevent the disciples' suffering from sleep deprivation on the Mount of Olives, no doubt.
Testamints:
"And ye shall find the mint, wrapped in a Bible text, and lying in a Testamints Easter Edition Collector's Tin (four for $19.95)..."
Yes, Testamints are here. Each sweet (spearmint, peppermint and wintergreen) is individually wrapped in one of 40 different verses from the Old and New Testaments. Their mission: "to be the best at providing daily encouragement to all people and enabling Christians to share their faith with others..."
So the next time you're on a train, or killing time in a bus queue, think: Testamint. Pass them round and "do the work of an evangelist." You'll be helping to share the Good Chews.
Link: Ship of Fools
