More Watchtower Approved, Spiritually Uplifting Merchandise:
Biblical Plague Balls:
Frogs, boils, gnats, flies, disease, hail... ahhhhh.. those were the days. Plagues not only metered out justice to Jehovah's enemies, they were colourful and interesting. And now, thanks to Products of the Apocalypse, Inc., you can relive the 10 plagues of Egypt and relish the Great Tribulation to come with this set of snowdomes for your mantelpiece.
In their own words: "Can you imagine what a swarm of hungry grasshoppers sounds like? With this Plaguedome, you won't ever have to! With a quick swish of your wrist you can cause millions of ravenous locusts to decend upon the world's food supply! This 40mm diameter, glass dome was the first in the Plaguedomes line here at Products of the Apocalypse, Inc. Don't let this one pass you over!"
There's still just time to order your set before the rapture if you move fast. Only $6.50 each.
"Jesus Saves" Air Freshener:
Great news from the manufacturer of this pack of air fresheners: Jesus now saves from the embarrassment of unpleasant and anti-social smells. Walking with crisply-ironed garments and clean feet through a field of sheep that is miraculously dung free, this sweet-smelling version of Jesus is an adman's dream.
"Spread the Word!" burbles the text on the back. "Express your feelings with this beautiful, meaningful air freshener. Use it anywhere... wherever a pleasant aroma is desired or an odor problem exists."
Fruit of the Spirit Wallpaper:
Just when you thought it was safe to go into the living room, a home furnishings company decides to offer a wallpaper border straight out of Galatians chapter 5. This pre-pasted, wipe-clean vinyl features clusters of fruit and the famous text from that famed wallpaper fan, St Paul: 'The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace...'
Looking like an ancient scroll with an overload of illustration and too little text, the Fruit of the Spirit wallpaper comes in 15 foot rolls at only $21.95 per roll. It takes only a few minutes of cut and paste to redeem your room and give your secular walls that sacred touch!
Five Piece Nestling Nun Set:
It all depends on where you’ve reached in therapy. On the one hand you may need a spiritual icon to provide increasing comfort. Simply open this five-piece doll nesting set – and watch Mother Perpetua get bigger and bigger. Mmmm…
Alternatively, is Mother P already too dominant in your subconscious? Some, er, healing of the memories needed? Start with her Bible-clutching version and work your way down to the smallest… Now, that’s better, isn’t it?
Tyrol International’s inspirational matryoshka (signed by the artist, Sasha Abramov) is ‘true to the tradition of Russian lacquerware with its rich colors and lustrous finish. The complete set is yours for only $59.95.
Ten Commandments Blanket:
What a blessing to married couples! Imagine waking up each morning snuggled under the 10 Commandments throw blanket, with the admonitions of Moses so handy. "Thou shalt not covet... more than your share of the bedcover." "Thou shalt not kill... even when your partner's snoring tops 100 decibels."
And it's such a blessing to cohabiting couples, too. Those words, "Thou shalt not commit adultery" are guaranteed to stop fornication dead in its tracks!
Buy the Ten Commandments Throw Blanket (machine washable 100% triple layer cotton) for yourself or as a guilt-inducing gift for someone who's currently (and contentedly) living in sin.
Only $58.99
Last Supper Musical Pillow:
Lay your head on the Last Supper Musical Pillow and be transported back in time to the sights and sounds of that historic occasion. The sights, in this case, include the sumptuous Leonardo da Vinci group pose with reverential gold braiding. The sounds: the pillow plays "Hey Jude" – or should that be, "Hey Judas"?
Measuring a generous 15 x 11 inches and including a wind-up music mechanism, the Last Supper Musical Pillow gives authentic evidence that Jesus's foot-washing, bread-breaking and speech-making took place during an extended karaoke session involving all the disciples, with rousing refrains of "take a sad song and make it better," and "la, la, la, la-la-la-la". Only $28.00. Be there.
Faith Mountain:
No editorialising is necessary for the magnificent Thomas Kinkade Faith Mountain. We'll let the blurb do the business...
Now, for the first time ever, the magnificent story of Easter comes alive in a three-dimensional masterpiece! This extraordinary collectible Thomas Kinkade Faith Mountain invites you to witness the historic events of Holy Week, presented in an illuminated treasure of handcrafted religious Christian home decor! Follow Christ as He rides into Jerusalem, see His betrayal and trial, and witness his death and triumphant Resurrection – the entire story unfolds in 13 meticulously detailed and dramatic scenes with 45 sculpted figurines!
Click here for your very own Faith Mountain
The Bible Bar:
With the genetically-modified food scare, what next in a world where even the simple joy of stuffing yourself senseless has lost its flavour? Allow us to introduce the true GM (God's Menu) food.
According to Logia Foods of the Bible, Orlando, USA, the Bible Bar is "one of the greatest new products ever introduced to the Christian market." For just $1.95 this "fantastic-tasting, all-natural whole food bar contains the seven foods which the Lord calls 'good' in Deuteronomy 8:8 – wheat, barley, honey, figs, olive oil, grapes and pomegranates. You're going to love this first-of-its-kind nutritional bar with its refreshing, natural fruit flavor and biblical significance."
Bible Gum:
Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the candy store...Bible Gum is a "wonderful way to introduce the 'scripturally-threatened' individual to one of humanity's most powerful and revered historical and spiritual compilings." Each pack of Bible Gum contains two tabs of gum with a "referenced King James verse printed on the inside of the carton."
If you've already cringed at Testamints, Bible Gum is final proof that where there's a pun there's a product. Single tins: $3.00 each. Bible Gum Vending Machine, complete with 200 capsules: $110.00 from Life Lines Inc. of Homer, Arkansas.
The Pope Cake:
Attaining new heights of spirituality, John Paul II was declared one of the Dessert Fathers. He made the pilgrimage to cake-maker Pan Ducale back in 1985, and ever since the Pope Cake has been bringing a little taste of heaven to multitudes. And at 330 calories per sanctified slice, Dolce del Papa is very likely helping multitudes toward an early visit to heaven, too.
Says the manufacturer: "The Dessert of the Pope, a chocolate almond roll, has the honor of being one of the few edible items (outside the host) approved by the Church." Eat and be blessed for only 5,700 lira (that's just $3.00) per Pope Cake.
Daily Text Clock:
A hint of 1950s bakerlite or even a gracious nod to 1930s art deco would have been nice. But no. The flat, utilitarian design is, we accept, consistent with this text-telling timepiece's sensible, conscientious purpose. And that is to tell us it is time for the word: "380 unique Bible verses changing once every hour on the hour."
Perhaps the most depressing factor in this strange fusion of technology, chronology and theology is the fact that "Time for the Word" is splattered across the base of the clock. "Time for the Word" – said with a wink, a dig in the ribs and "Geddit?" It just makes you grateful that God, in his great mercy and in spite of those awful pious posters on living room walls near you, chose not to stick a Bible text in a permanent, puffy cloud above Mount Everest. "God so loved the world... geddit?"
Repent! Wristwatch:
Our Mormon brethren are, as ever, leading the way with this tastefully designed item of youth wristwear. Produced by Latter-Day Specialities, the "Repent: Tough on Sins" timepiece serves as a constant reminder of an oft-neglected biblical truth: that whatever time it is, it is always time to repent.
This point is reinforced by the fact that the watch... er... appears to have no hands. Only $38, available in screamingly large size only.
Ichthus Tamborine:
Surely based on a hackneyed old spelling mistake, this tambourine will bring the 'piece of cod, which asseth all understanding' into your church's worship. The Ichthus comes in a choice of nine super colours. For just £12 you can shake, rattle and extol – clutching the earliest-known Christian symbol in your hot and sweaties. Impressive decibel rating. Light up Musical Jesus: Revolt your friends for just $15.95 with the Light Up Musical Jesus... an object which comes dangerously close to giving kitsch a bad name. Looking like a bloated, drowned corpse floating amid ugly plastic flowers and lace, this Jesus is without a doubt the whitest Jesus we've ever seen. At last – your iPod Shuffle can now be born again! Simply remove your existing, non-believing Shuffle cap and snap in place the t-shaped iBelieve cap, and lo! your Shuffle is instantly transformed into a giant, white cross. It makes a fine companion to the True Wooden Stake of Christ for warding off vampires and other demonic influences so previlant in our modern world! Pet Baptising Kit:
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NOTE: This Month Special ~ All Products Guarateed Demon-Free or we'll Give Your Money Back!
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Dear Simon,
this little side business is all yours if you want it
unclebruce
Um, thanks for your efforts KW, but me thinks unkie bruce meant a picture of me WITH Beard Almighty-----not as Beard Almighty. LOL!