Why this forum was important to me....my story (Loooong post!) (page 2)

Van Gogh

Welcome never too late!
Thanks for relating your story. Great writing btw. I know where you are coming from...and I once fled to England too.

One thing that crossed my mind when reading your account is the necessity too somehow make peace with what you are and where you are coming from: your parents, your siblings, your spirituality and relationship with God and your country; confronting (fight) whatever you fear without fleeing (flight) somewhere else, dropping out of sight or just trashing your Bible. Living in two cultures can add ad a significant burden to shaky foundations already. Face yourself, settle and work from there: seek security in your surroundings and relationships.
(BTW Spain to me equates to paradise; why leave such wonderful roots again? Many Brits would give an arm and a leg too settle down there. Just goes to show: many things are just in the mind.)
Take care,
VG

jgnat

Oh, nevertoolate, I adore you already. You are right, you have a talent for writing.

Or I guess I just need some reassurance that I didn’t really mess up while in the JWs and I can still turn out ‘normal’!!!

The agonies of your isolation resonates with a whole bunch of people. I can't say this strong enough; YOU MUST FOLLOW YOUR PASSION TO WRITE. First of all, your soul flys free when you do what you love. Second, you have something important to say to your readers. I guess I am saying your experience has "messed you up". There's a flip side to your nasty childhood, though. You speak to lonely people and the pain they experience every day. We need you to speak to that pain. When you write, you will give wings to many, many people.

Because you have had to live a high-performance life, nothing ever good enough, I must temper my strong advice. Just write how you know how. The freedom you give to others is unconscious, you barely have to work at it. Just because what you do is easy for you, does not make it unimportant. You have a rare gift.

So I feel like I want to take a rest. It’s like I’ve been carrying around sh*t most of my life and now it gets heavy all of a sudden. I want to go on and travel, do my PhD, have my own house….but I feel I can’t move. I don’t know if it’s a good idea going back home and having my parents so close. I don’t want to relive some memories. I guess I just need some opinions on how much contact I should have with them.

It seems you will suffer bouts of depression throughout your life. Many great writers have. You need a new safe place other than your family. I'm sorry, I don't have a magic answer for that.

It seems, though, you might be able to make friends with your mother when she is not with your dad, or perhaps one of your sisters. I don't think it is your job to fix your family or to try and forge bonds with them all. Your family is broken. Sometimes a cracked pavement has more beauty than a new one. Accept your family for what it is.

never too late to be myseld

Hi again

You’re also right about forgiveness. I think it’s much better now. Years ago all I had inside was hate. I don’t feel that way anymore. Guess now I’m on the stage of coming to terms with reality.

This is very interesting. The thing is, I tried to detach myself emotionally from what had happened, but it’s somehow coming back now that I feel down also for another reasons –being unemployed etc- I also have to say that I have had little control over my emotions, very little balance. As far as I can remember, my emotions have always been ‘reactionary’. But it’s interesting what you write.

Re my PhD, in Sociology. I actually started a Master last September here in London, but had to drop it after 4 months. For one, it was at the London School of Economics, and the fees were far too high, even though I got part of a scholarship I just couldn’t cover my living expenses. Also, the course was not what I expected. And didn’t fit in with the people there. I think that triggered the depressive feelings I’m in the middle of now. I think my studies were some sort of refuge and when I had to drop it, I felt very useless. Can I use this to make a little ‘propaganda’ about that PhD?? ;-) it’s about the social construction of service work, especially of underpaid service work. The experience of coming to London and being offered only crap jobs affected me too. The treatment in some of those jobs was downright inhumane. And add to that having to survive on minimum wages. I talked to a lot of people in the same situation, and thought it would make a good thesis if I can theorize the feelings and experiences of lots of people who struggle to make a living and to feel respected, not just marked as the ‘dross’. I actually wrote some sort of book about it –more like an autobiography- and one of my teachers asked me to write a journal article based on it. I’m not feeling well enough now but I know writing is therapeutic for me. I’ll post a link to the book in case you want to have a look –I need opinions-

Spain equates paradise??? Damn I lived there for 16 years and never knew that! ;-) it’s ok on a holiday but living there is another story. Especially I you have lived in ‘organised’ countries like the UK. You know how long it takes to get a phone line installed in Spain???? Months. And when they do it, it doesn’t work….this sort of stuff happens at all levels. I never identified with my country, and I guess most people there never identified with me. Independence, and particularly in a woman, is not appreciated at all. It’s more like a defect. Or maybe they’re scared, who knows… But yes, I look at the bright side of it (pun intended because…at least there I’ll get to see the sun!!).

wannaexit

(((hugs)))

You are an incredible young woman!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I enjoyed reading your story as I also had a very disfunctional youth in the org.

My heart goes out to you. But seems like you have a lot going for you. I wish you well.

wanna

unique1

Excellent story. You have went through so much. Thanks for sharing it with us and WELCOME to the board.

Crumpet

I could relate to so much of yoru story - particularly the disorientation of constantly moving and not being able to haev any association and living your growing up years in a little box room. My parents were reg pioneers in nothern Spain towards the end of Franco's reign and got pregnant with me within a year. Don;t think they ever forgave me for that!

I too left home when I was young but haven;t done half the things you have - i've mainly just had to McJob it to make ends meet, not being able to afford to stop working to study etc. You should be very very proud of yourself - you have every reason to.

hugs

crumpet x

diamondblue1974

Wow...fantastic biography and story so far.

I can really identify with how you must have felt throughout all of that.

You have a PM re your Phd in Sociology!

DB74

Nancy Drake

I really enjoyed your writing, and I understand your feelings. I wen't through a lot of the same things. Thank you for your post.

lilybird

Thanks for sharing your story. You've lived a life full of sad times yet you are stronger than you give yourself credit for . You managed to look after yourself , get a great education and learn what life outside the org is all about.. I too can identify with a lot of your feelings , I was raised as a JW and my family was dysfunctional also..You have a great writing style and I look forward to reading more posts from you.

LDH

eventually I had to share it with my sister because my father thought that his WT library deserved a room of its own –but not us his daughters-

In Jw-land, children are dispensible.

NTL,

One thing that struck me while reading your amazing post: It doesn't matter what country we grew up in, those of us who had "Zealous Elder fathers" share a lot of the same experiences. Now, my dad was a great provider and there was no alcohol, but that's not what I'm talking about.

Wearing old-lady clothes. I found out about ten years after I graduated high school that a group of kids had been calling me Laura Ingalls behind my back because of the clothes I wore as a badge of honor to Jehovah.

Having to lie to do normal things like accepting a ride home from the "Worldlies". Stuff like this can really skewer your value system.

All of the mind numbing hours spent in field service.

Sister, what can I say? I recommend you rent the movie "Shawshank Redemption." There is a line in that movie. "Get busy living, or get busy dying."

None of us can reclaim the years that were thrown away on them. All we can do is move forward and live our best lives.

Against all JW advice, FOLLOW YOUR HEART.

Lisa

Why this forum was important to me....my story (Loooong post!)

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