Is there a better way to convince family?

happysunshine

I've been thinking about this a lot. I think a lot of people are like me (especially after researching the witnesses via sources like this board), in that they attempt to convince their family, weather directly or indirectly, that the WTS is wrong. While there is a possibility of this working, the chances seem small, at least for dyed in the wool witness families. I've tested this out a bit with my family, and it didn't seem to work too well with them, not to mention cause me a lot of stress and frustration. There is another approach I've been thinking of. Ironically, I haven't used it before because I was trying to be 'straight up', more honorable than the witnesses' methods of convincing people. But I may be looking at this whole situation not quite right.

Anyway, my idea is to just avoid the whole topic of the WTS, and try to get as close to them as possible. And try to have as much fun as possible. Maybe even go to some gettogethers or something. The main pursuits are to be close to them, and to build my own fun life. The goal, however, is to win them back form the WTS.

The reason I started to think about this approach is that I was reflecting on my own feelings growing up a witness. Direct pressure didn't work on me. But it used to really confuse me to see witnesses or people associated with them (ie unbelieving family) carrying on as normal and having a great time - not pioneering, building a career, going to university, dating around, buying expensive stuff, hanging out with unbelieving relatives and having fun.

I'm not articulating this very well. But has anyone done this?

Finally-Free

I don't talk to my mom about the JW crap unless she brings it up first. The subject just puts her on the defensive anyway, and there is no getting through to her. I'm doing more good by just living a normal life.

W

mustang

"…in that they attempt to convince their family, weather directly or indirectly, that the WTS is wrong."

Of course, it’s the natural tendency. But more and more, I'm thinking the thing to do is "throw it into neutral":

just shrug and say what difference does it make? Or don't say anything and just shrug.

Aside from my father, the dyed-in-the-wool zealot, the rest come to their senses pretty rapidly and decide that getting pushy is a waste of time. Perhaps they are electing a long term strategy of "I'll be low key and he'll come around eventually".

But, if you both "throw it into neutral" then what you are suggesting gets to be a real possibility.

[This brings up a thought I have long held: relatives shouldn't deal with relatives on these religious matters. The non-related members of your old congo (or the non-related members of a new congo), will usually have a more rational view of the prospects of "dragging you back into the fold" than the people you grew up with. Your relatives will pursue the matter "to the death"; anyone else will stop at a reasonable point of diminishing returns.]

Mustang

Fleshybirdfodder

I agree, direct pressure probably won't work with someone immersed in the cult mentality. Patience and love, while sticking to your principles (so they don't entertain thoughts of "winning you back to the fold") is the best way. It won't take long before something will happen in their life where they will see the difference between your love and the conditional pseudo dub-love. That's what helped me escape their stranglehold. My "evil" apostate sister never pushed; she just always let me know that she was there no matter what. I'm so blessed to have a relationship with her now.

happysunshine

This is good food for thought. Anymore experiences or specifics on those mentioned?

Lehtiveli

I just can't avoid talking about JW's because my parents always talk about that. They are trying to get me back to "mother organization". It won't happen.

ithinkisee

I agree that the best anti-witness to a witness is to be happy in your life and show that you love them regardless. Don't bring up the JW stuff in an attempt to sway them .... An idea for a strategy is this: Find a cold hard fact they can't refute. Don't use assumptions, or "isn't it weird how ..." type logic. Find an unrefutable fact about how wrong they are. Learn it forwards and backwards. Be well rehearsed and have any scans or documents in a folder ready-to-go. (In my case I love to bring up how I had been going to the doors telling people that the Bible Students predicted 30 years in advance that Jesus would reign invisibly in 1914. (And show Watchtowers that claim this) Then show the person where the BIble Students most emphatically did NOT predict this by showing scans of the old literature (which actually said Jesus was already reigning and Armageddon was coming in 1914). Then I tell them that I can't go to the door and tell what appear to be blatant lies.) Then just keep it in your back pocket. Never bring it up. Just keep rehearsing it - maybe weekly perhaps. Practice countering typical JW responses to your point. Practic out loud. They will eventually ask you what is keeping you from being at the meetings. Just say you don't want to talk about it. Be sincere, not snobby or arrogant about it. Say something like, "Look, I love you so much. I would love to talk to you about this, but it's best if we just agree to disagree. I don't want to threaten our relationship anymore than it already has been. Let's just let it rest." If your relative asked you once, they will likely ask you again. Especially if you seem content and are rebuilding your social structure outside of the JWs. Don't be fake about it - let them know that life goes on and you still have the same stresses regarding living life you always did (minus the meetings of course). Like others on this thread already said, this will be the best witness. This will get them to ask again. Don;t force it. Just let them ask when they are ready again. Then .... get ready to tell them .... but point out a couple of things to your relative BEFORE you get into your rehearsed talking point. Tell them, "My decision to leave was one of the biggest decisions of my life. It was not something where I just read a book or got tricked into looking at an apostate web page and said to myself, 'Okay, I'm done'. It was a PAINFUL decision. It was a decision that resulted in a lot of self examination and sleepless nights crying and wondering if maybe I could just fake being a JW in order to keep my family happy, because I love them so much. I REALLY wanted to stay and keep the peace. I really did." Act reluctant to tell them your reasons. Make it clear that you are reluctant to tell them because of how much you love them and you don't wish to lose them. Let them know you appreciate their friendship despite how other family members might have started shunning you and making you feel like crap. Finish up by laying down a couple of kind ground rules, "Like I said, I love you dearly and to get involved in a shouting match or bouncing around from scripture to scripture is not going to get us anywhere. I would love it if you could just let me explain where I'm coming from and let me get it all out. If you'll let me do that then I will let you respond without me interrupting. I think that's fair. Is that cool?" Then, say one more thing to take the pressure off of your JW relative, "I want you to realize one thing. I am not going to sit here and think that I can get you to think like me. That is not my objective. So please don't think I'm trying to 'recruit' you away from the Witnesses. You asked me what my deal was, so the PURPOSE OF ME TELLING YOU THIS IS ONLY SO YOU CAN KNOW WHERE I AM COMING FROM. Like I said before, I love you whether you are a JW or not. The only thing I want you to get out of this discussion is that I did not make this decision overnight. A lot of thought went into it." ==== WHAT THIS WILL ACCOMPLISH:

Establishes your genuine love for your JW relative.
Ensures that the discussion will not ended in heated debate and insults.
Takes the pressure off your JW relative that you are trying to lure him/her away. (Even though you are!)

Anyways, those are my .02 cents. For the most part it was the strategy I took when talking to my wife (minus a few details). I have modified it slightly for upcoming talks I anticipate with extended JW family members, but the premise is still the same - namely - taking the insults and ultimatums out of the equation and letting them know you genuinely love them. That way even if they ultimately choose to remain JWs, it's possible you can still have a positive relationship with them.

You will likely have to modify my suggestions to fit your own particular family situation ... Hope that helps,

-ithinkisee

blondie

You could read Steve Hassan's book Combatting Cult Mind Control. He has some good ideas about how to deal with the cult mindset patiently and how not to set off alarms in their head. Most used book sites have this as a low price.

garybuss

I try to stay as far away as possible from most of the Witness people. The Witness people who have treated me and my family bad are not welcome . . . ever. My Witness relatives who have treated me and my family bad are not welcome . . . ever.

Witnesses are the worst people my family have ever been exposed to. We are in our second decade of not allowing the Witness people access to our family and we are much better off.

jgnat

Anyway, my idea is to just avoid the whole topic of the WTS, and try to get as close to them as possible. And try to have as much fun as possible. Maybe even go to some gettogethers or something. The main pursuits are to be close to them, and to build my own fun life. The goal, however, is to win them back form the WTS.

Yes, what you describe is outlined in detail in Steve Hassan's book, and I've been saying for years.

It's the natural reaction to share your revelation immediately with your loved-ones. This rarely works, because people STAY in the organization for EMOTIONAL reasons, not LOGICAL ones. The most prevalent emotion that JW's display when their beleifs are threatened is FEAR. Fearful people might panic and hurt you by accident.

Something you can work on is identify when your family members are being themselves rather than when they have on the put-on cult personality. You'll recognize the put-on personality. Their face gets rigid and they start talking Watchtower-speak. You are on the right track by simply providing opportunities for fun for your family. Give your family plenty of opportunity to be themselves, and at THOSE times they are receptive to new ideas. But don't preach it. Show it.

Is there a better way to convince family?

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