What leaving really means

by under_believer 18 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  trevor

  It's easy to say "it's hogwash, just leave." And who can argue with that? Not I. But it's a hard, cruel, bitter bargain, a hollow victory, a death of thousands of cuts. It's anguish.

  
  Under-believer

  I understand your anguish. When I walked away I lost the love and affection of 43 relative, also the network of friends I had built up among Jehovah’s Witnesses.

  I stayed for some years after I had seen through the illusion. In the end I left because I could no longer keep up the pretence. It was not a choice I wanted to make. It is painful and it does not end there.

  The world we live in is full of illusions and it is tempting to trade one set of illusions for another. If the illusion we choose to live involves compromise to keep those you love then, it is as good as any. It all depends on whether you can continue to live the way you do and whether leaving would improve your life.

  Your happiness is all that matters. Don’t act out of a need to do the right thing, because there is no right thing. Just living your life in the way that works best for you is as good as it gets.
• 

  LittleToe

  If it had been possible to leave quietly I would have. My advise to anyone facing this dilema is to simply start living their own life, without official exit or fanfare. Cease to live by their rules. Start widening your circle of friends to those outside the cult.

  If you are not DFed or DAed then it remains their choice as to how far their love will stretch. If it becomes official then there's a greater issue than that of love, in that they will have psychological reasons for keeping you at a distance.

  Just 2p from someone who lost everyone including his wife...
• 

  blondie

  I did exactly as LittleToe said. I started making my own choices regarding meeting attendance (gradually cut back over 2 years to nothing), field service (5 years of phantom hours turned in on a time slip), making new contacts and activities away from the KH, quietly reinforcing the negative things my husband brought up about things in the WTS and being a sympathetic ear, asking questions that made him think, signed onto JWD after having lurked for a year and was brave enough to start posting.

  My family actually made it easy for me shunning me when I was a "good" JW. I always wondered why it was like you had dropped off the face of the earth when you only switched to a congregation in the same town, perhaps even one that shared the same building. Suddenly people and family from the other congregation had no contact with you, even forgetting to invite you to family functions.

  Find people who love you even if you aren't the same religion or even if you don't have a religion at all.

  Love, Blondie
• 

  serendipity

  ((( under believer ))) There are several of us in the same boat.
• 

  wanderlustguy

  You may want to think further about where you are taking your family...you talk like it will be a disservice of you to show them what you have learned. Will it? Would you rather your children forsake college and make choices according to "The Society's" guidelines or sound decision making ability and discernment that you can teach them to use. You can teach them how to disagree with something, how to check things out and come to their own conclusions. Your wife will listen to you if you do it right...and maybe others. Just be careful and baby step everything, it doesn't have to be like throwing a switch...you can do this any way you want...get used to YOU being in control of your functions instead of an organization...even an organization of ex-witnesses.

  Good luck!

  WLG
• 

  metatron

  My advice? It may be too late in life to start over - you'll have to judge that. I recommend you claim to a chronic illness that intermitently

  interferes with meeting attendance and field service, such as depression and migraines. You lay claim to it whenever you need to.

  I would also discreetly seek out like-minded Witness relatives of yours and hang out with them. There are plenty of Witnesses faking it

  these days - I think that's one reason why contributions keep declining.

  metatron
• 

  hybridous

  My compliments to everyone on this thread. This is why I keep on visiting and reading. There's always someone out there who knows how to spell things out with that undeniable flavor of truth, in a way I have not yet heard or read.

  Specifically, the posts by Steve and Trevor really make sense, even if they don't exactly say the same thing. Once I figured out that things in the JW world are as Steve says, then I couldn't fake it and go on.

  U_B, you may be different. You may find a way to continue on without throwing your life into upheaval.

  Trevor really hits home when he says: 'If the illusion we choose to live involves compromise to keep those you love then, it is as good as any. It all depends on whether you can continue to live the way you do and whether leaving would improve your life.'

  That's the way it is for me. Sometimes, keeping my family means that I have to be less than honest with them about what I really believe. Sounds horrible, but do you think that all JWs believe their whole doctrine, all of the time? It seems that all of life is the constant perpetuation of falsity. If I ever do have to face God, or whoever, and answer for lying, then at least I did what I did out of LOVE, and I'll take my punishment based on that.

  Do what you feel you must do, but remember: you are automatically USELESS to your family once the 'A'-word applies to you. Metatron gives you the most practical advice.

  It all comes down to what you can live with. I hope you find peace one way or another. I wish the best for you and your family.
• 

  Fe2O3Girl

  You can build up a new network of friends who will value and love you without conditions. But you can't make new friends that remember when you were born, or the funny things you said when you were little. I suppose it is a bit like no amount of clubbing now can replace your first school disco, or the prom you never had.

  I think in my case, my being disfellowshipped hurts my parents more than it hurts me. They don't shun me, but it still affects the social life we could have. I remember mu MIL asking if I was going to organise a party for my dad's retirement. When I replied that it wouldn't be very easy given that none of their friends would speak to me, I think it finally dawned on her what EX-JW means.

  I can't imagine going through the motions of JWism to keep my family. If my JW husband had really loved me, and I had loved him, I would probably still be a JW. I think that the experience of other posters is that children adapt quickly to normal life, though.

  Best wishes -

  Rachel
• 

  uninformed

  Steve Lowrey,

  good post.

  This is a huge mess and a big problem for all of us. Doing the 'right' thing has to be reward enough in itself.

  That doesn't make it any easier.

  God's strength to all of you.

  Brant