Doubting our own intuition - reality vs. reality

by Cady 21 Replies latest jw friends

  • Cady
    Cady

    When someone asks about the JWs, I usually find myself talking about disfellowshipping, the blood issue, the child-molestation problem. But looking back I think, although those are the easily explained and perhaps somewhat sensational bad things about being a JW, they're not the only things that have left their marks. In fact, only the disfellowshipping issue has personally affected me (although I'm not officially df'd, but of course you don't have to be to lose your friends/family).

    What gets me even more is that I don't trust myself. We were constantly told "this is reality" when our senses and our intuition clearly said "no it's not." But of course we listed to what we were told, and learned not to listen to ourselves. For instance, being a woman. We were constantly told we were treated equally, despite being a compliment and our husbands/fathers being our heads. And now it's at times hard for me to even tell someone that as a woman I was treated as less-than, even though empirically it's quite obvious that was the case.

    And other things about the JWs that's not the sensationalized stuff but are very real - child abuse that isn't sexual. Children in the organization still have nowhere to go, no one to turn to. They've been taught not to trust outsiders, and to keep appearances up in the hall they can't tell anyone there either. You don't want anyone to know your dad did "x" b/c he might lose his position as an elder and then you'd get in trouble. There's no safety for kids.

    Then there's trying to figure life out outside of the JWs, trying to figure out the world of dating/college/etc - all the things you're not taught about, and so kind of trip and fall and stumble your way through.

    And then I just get so incredibly pi**ed and that anger doesn't seem to do any good, just makes me edgy and irritable. And it's not a common thing anymore - I've been out for four years and I'm hardly on the board anymore, but I find when things get rough I come back here for some warm words and commiseration.

  • Synergy
    Synergy

    I enjoyed your post. Very true. I feel all of those things too. I'm just so happy that I've broken the cycle and my children will be at least somewhat normal. Thanks for your thoughts.

    Renee

  • BluesBrother
    BluesBrother

    Hi Cady,

    what you said is very true. As a dub you are not able to think or reason things, and if you have private opinions, you had better keep them to yourself! As an elder that was doubly true. The concept of group loyalty and setting a constant example meant that one did not even have the freedom of conscience that the rest of the cong. enjoys in some things.

    As a consequence, you arrive out of the Borg, convinced of only one thing, which is that they are wrong. and where do you go from there? What about all the issues of life? You have to learn how to consider things and to relish the freedom to make up your own mind. You learn how to become you, and not the WT Society spokesperson.

    Good luck on your journey.

  • sass_my_frass
    sass_my_frass

    Yeah I think that's one of the big underlying problems we're going to have to deal with; that of doubting ourselves. We had this BIG THING in our lives that turned out to be a lie, and we believed it. How can I trust my heart or mind any more?

    Then there's trying to figure life out outside of the JWs, trying to figure out the world of dating/college/etc - all the things you're not taught about, and so kind of trip and fall and stumble your way through.

    Yeah this gets to me... not just the fun I didn't have, more the important lessons I didn't learn. I really ought to be older than this. I remember being told as a kid that I was very mature, and just figured that as the years went by I remained so. Nobody said it after primary school though - and that's because witnesses are kept to an emotional age of pre-puberty - denying ourselves the right to adulthood and all the lessons that go with it. I'm so embarassed that I was such a twonk for so many years. Every day a dozen stupid things I said as a young adult make me cringe.

    keep it together!

  • luna2
    luna2
    What gets me even more is that I don't trust myself.

    Yes! Two of the biggest life decisions I've ever made...choosing the man I married (not a JW issue) and choosing to become a witness...were complete failures. The husband thing I can semi write off because he didn't tell me the truth and hid things about himself (although I had a good number of clues). The JW thing? What was I thinking? Why did hiding myself inside a cult seem to be the best choice to me? Uggghhhh...I can drive myself crazy thinking about it and I don't need any more self hate today.

    I can barely take a step any more without worrying what I'm going to f*ck up next.

  • littlemillcreek
    littlemillcreek

    I agree with you. I used to get so angry when my perception of reality was denied. I remember an article in one of the magazines tha encouraged people to use their power of reason. I lauded that article and referred to it often, but was discouraged and frustrated when it wasn't put into practice or encouraged by the elders. So now, when the sky is blue I know it's blue. When it's cloudy I know it's cloudy. I don't need anyone telling me what my perception of reality is or what it should be. Freedom is a gift.

  • littlemillcreek
    littlemillcreek

    Luna-Part of growing up is making mistakes. The only wrong one is the one you don't learn from. You trusted a man and he broke your trust, you trusted a religion and it broke your trust. You had the wisdom to see both for what they are. Sometimes parents at a young age don't teach children to make decisions on their own and learn from them. They make all the decisions for the child, protecting them from making any errors, therefore we never learn to listen to our own intuition and wisdom. Forgive yourself, try to see the good that came out of the situations and quit beating yourself up. I also made a poor first marriage choice and made a poor choice of religion with JW's, but have lived and learned.

  • Cady
    Cady
    Yeah this gets to me... not just the fun I didn't have, more the important lessons I didn't learn. I really ought to be older than this. I remember being told as a kid that I was very mature, and just figured that as the years went by I remained so. Nobody said it after primary school though - and that's because witnesses are kept to an emotional age of pre-puberty - denying ourselves the right to adulthood and all the lessons that go with it. I'm so embarassed that I was such a twonk for so many years. Every day a dozen stupid things I said as a young adult make me cringe.

    Same thing for me - ppl used to say I was "6 going on 30." But now I realize I'm really rather immature emotionally. I'm not sure why we're immature emotionally - is it just not being able to make decisions for ourselves? What makes a person emotionally mature?

    It's funny b/c of late I've been feeling a bit more like other people around me. My friend and I went to his company late at night and were kicking around these big plastic balls on their soccer field in the mud (long story). But while he and his friend were both totally into it, it was a forced sillyness for me. There's always part of me that's holding back, not really able to let loose. And I feel like that a lot of times in other ways, too - like I'm watching the world around me but not really engaged in it. I do things but I've very rarely ever fully immersed w/o a part of me standing back and evaluating everything.

  • Terry
    Terry

    Being comfortable can mean being complacent.

    As Jehovah's Witnesses we had the hubris to believe and rely on the judgement that ours was THE TRUTH that leads to eternal life.

    The dash of cold water that woke us out of that slumber left us without compass or anchor.

    Square one is not a comfortable vacation spot!

    However......

    We can begin again by examining the wrong METHOD we used to get to that bad place called SQUARE ONE.

    For myself, I took certain things as foundational truths which were NOT true and proceeded from there.

    It is like having a map in the family everybody trusts. One day you use it and find yourself lost. What happened?

    Throw the map away.

    Start over.

    Our premise can be wrong. Our premise is the foundation on which we build our world view.

    My premises were clogged with presuppositions that HAD NOT PERSONALLY BEEN EXAMINED by myself for accuracy.

    1.Man is weak, sinful and imperfect and needs saving from himself.

    2.There is an invisible world of living beings that have the power to help or harm us.

    3.There is a book that reveals the mind of the uttermost Supreme Being.

    4.By figuring out the instruction contained in that book I can become on friendly terms with the invisible power brokers of the universe and assure my future.

    You get the idea? Sure you do! I NEVER PERSONALLY EXAMINED THE TRUTH of those four premises because they were given to me by the people whom I loved and trusted most.

    You start from square one.

    There really are only TWO WORLD VIEWS.

    1. Man obtains his knowledge of the world from his senses. Concepts lead to definitions and bit by bit a map of the world matches reality.

    2.Man must look to some non-sensory source: intuition, divine intelligence, mysterious forces, etc. Man must find his "teacher" and follow.

    My view is this.

    The greatest evil is the unfocusing of your own mind by relying on the opinion of others. It is a moral blindness and derelection of self.

    Your number one purpose is to discover what is true about the universe with your own eyes, ears and determined analysis of how things work by testing them against what works.

    The opinions and wishes of others are irrelevent. A pretty story does not a truth make.

    You cannot fake reality. It will come back to bite you so hard on the ass you'll limp for the rest of your life.

    We must make a solid commitment to reason; to developing our own mind and acuity and accuracy of thinking skills.

    Avoid the notion that "others" somehow KNOW some eternal and transcendant truth.

    The buck stops here: our life.

  • Cabin in the woods
    Cabin in the woods

    Cady, what you said really struck a chord with me. I do live my life as a spectator and not a player. No wonder I feel bored so often. Who wants to watch everone else let loose and not themselves. I just have not thought of it that way before. When I was a teen I laughed and played with no regard to what anyone thought of me. Then I met the JWs.

    Thank you, You have opened up a new way to view this whole healing process.

    cab

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