Shunned - but still friends?

by GermanXJW 22 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  under_believer

  It's classic Orwellian doublethink. No single publication--not Crisis of Conscience, not Hassan's brainwashing works, nothing has been so instructive for me in recognizing what is wrong with the Society than 1984. In this case, we are dealing with doublethink, which is when two contradictory concepts are both held to be equally true.

  The person who supports the disfellowshipping arrangement, in its classic Witness sense, believes the contradictory concepts that

  • One should completely reject a person who is guilty of a crime, treating them as though they are dead and as though they no longer exist.
  • Treating a person in this manner is an expression of deep love, one of the most profoundly loving things that can be done.

  This is one of many examples of Witness doublethink, many of which revolve around love. These are arrived at because of a combination of bizzare Witness-specific Biblical interpretations, and honest problems that anyone will have who tries to reconcile the New Testament's message of love with the Old Testament's message of judgement. The thought process usually goes like this:

  • The New Testament says that God is love.
  • The Old Testament says that God destroyed an entire city, including babies, women, children, and the elderly, because there were some homosexuals there. Nor will these be resurrected.
  • Therefore, destroying an entire city, including babies, women, children, and the elderly, must be an act of love.

  Even though this completely explodes any human definition of "love," it must be accepted if one believes the Bible is literally true. The thought process at which disfellowshipping = love was arrived at is similiar, though based on a more specious interpretation.
• 

  GermanXJW

  Out of the blue, we got an E-Mail: they wrote us four lines what they are currently doing and how the kids are and that they were thinking a lot about us.

  My wife and I were excited. We thought something must have happended that would allow a normal situation again.

  I replied that we were surprised that we got a message and gave a brief description on our situation.

  The next reply said that they thought it would be good to hear from each other now and then despite the situation.

  That made us disappointed again. For my wife this was even harder than for me, the wife was her best friend, she was a witness to her marriage, we went on vacations together, the phones at least once a week. My wife had closed this part of history, now there was hope - and then they just wanted to drop a line now and then.

  We decided to write back that it is emtionally too exhausting for us to have contact just now and then. I mentioned that we do not really know what was the reason for their dumping us.

  They apologized and said that they accept our decision.

  Again, we were mad because this is NOT OUR decision. But for now, we have left it as it is.
• 

  garybuss

  I know a Witness woman who shuns her granddaughter and she told me she loves the granddaughter. I asked how she loves the granddaughter, how does she express her love? She just looked at the floor.
  
  These are mixed up people.
  
  
• 

  kid-A

  "We decided to write back that it is emtionally too exhausting for us to have contact just now and then."

  But now the bridge has been totally burned. The fact that they were even contacting you suggested some hope that they at least did not accept the WTS shunning policy completely. This may have eventually led to an opportunity to open this door of doubt even further. In your place, I would have left the communication open at least as a possibility for expressing your position to them and potentially sowing a small seed of doubt in their minds.
• 

  Abandoned

  Maybe they're keeping a close eye because they're wondering if you're right.
• 

  GermanXJW

  kid-A: I know what you mean.But the thing is that it was really exhausting to us with sleeping bad, strange dreams and stuff. We really do not want this on a regular basis.
• 

  SPAZnik

  I think their comment shows that they are troubled by their own actions, trying to justify abandoning people they love.
  
  I think your honest but gentle reply was spot on.
  
  Show them how it's done.
  
  Love them inspite of their actions and beliefs.
  
  And show that love to the best of your own ability. ( They need it !!)
  
  SPAZ
• 

  gymbob

  Garybuss is right..."those people are mixed up".

  I have the same situation with my parents. They say they love me....i'm just not welcome in thier home. (?) GYMBB
• 

  SPAZnik

  I think I can relate to your comment about it being emotionally exhausting.
  
  So are you saying that you would like to break ties, though you still care about them?
  Maybe that's what they were saying in the first place.
  
  I don't (generally) like to "break ties" permanently. But I certainly will respect my own needs for peace and health more now and sometimes this means keeping my distance so as not to harm myself or them (whoever they are).
  
  I try to view it not as judging someone else's beliefs as wrong, but as not really knowing what to do or say at this juncture in a way that might hurt them or me. I'm willing to wait for a later time when I am stronger and can handle the situation, in small doses.
  
  Perhaps your honesty (in basically shunning them right back because you don't agree with THEIR beliefs or actions or because you simply can't handle the hardhearted rejection) will give them a glimpse of what it feels like and/or what REAL impact the "loving" JW shunning policy has.
  
  Or maybe what you've said and done is enough for now and just needs time to breath, on both ends. Change doesn't usually happen overnight.
  
  I think you did well. I hope they come around.
  
  SPAZ
• 

  SPAZnik

  My father has "loved" me from afar for a long time.
  Distance has had it's benefits. haha.
  
  I'm working up the dander to invite my JW loved ones to MY home. :O
  
  
  Genuine love is so powerful. I'm thinking of various people that have shaped and even saved me with their love.
  
  I don't think love means letting people go unchecked for treating you like crap though. An honest answer spoken with kind regard for the other persons perspectives can go a long way in loving self and them fairly and equally. (Being both honest AND kind at any given moment with people that are causing you grief is no small thing if you ask me. I admire those who seem to make it look easy.)
  
  Sometimes that answer is "don't come over, I don't know how to handle you".
  
  Unfortunately, I don't think the JW's admit to not knowing how to handle a person or their situation. Instead of helping a person with the realities of their situation, they hold "judicial committees" and read scriptures at them. They harbour delusions of meting out divine justice in doing the most psychologically harmful thing you can do to a person next to killing them. Shunning. Withholding love. Abandoning. Not to mention tearing up families and perpetuating double standards as to which families. They fail to think past their FEAR of God "removing his blessing from the congregation" to what God might think if they actually LOVINGLY HELPED the people in their congregation instead of playing judge and jury and spiritual abortionists.
  
  It's silly to me now that I ever bought into that crap to any extent.
  
  Geez I'm babbly today.
  
  SPAZ :)