Wanted: new parents and siblings

by sass_my_frass 19 Replies latest jw friends

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  sass_my_frass

  I'm a 32-year-old almost-newlywed female in the market for some new family to replace the, you know...

  I need parents who will make occasional expressions of pride in my achievements, show concern during the bad times, and keep me up to date on all the gossip from home. In exchange I'll contact you at least once per week, do my best to help you with any problems you may have, make you feel needed, travel with you to places you want to see and financially and emotionally support you as you get older!

  To replace my family entirely I'd need two older sisters and two younger brothers. The oldest sister would be a judgmental prima donna with the power to cast a shadow over the egos of women two city blocks from her person. The second sister would be a lot quieter, virtually invisible if she wishes, but be the voice of reason when the family comes apart. Both brothers would be jocular and easygoing, the older would be the more businesslike and formal, the younger a potential stand-up comedian. In reality all I want from my replacement siblings is time shared here and there, stories exchanged, and a familial concern in our everyday wellbeing. In return I'll be there whenever you need me and be the best aunt your kids could have. Free babysitting included.

  Mr Frass' handyman skills are included in the package for all new family members.
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  serendipity

  ((( sass))) I feel the pain behind the humor.
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  jeanniebeanz

  Dear Sass,

  I would like to formally apply for the position of judgemental, prima donna older sister. My qualifications:

  Age: 44 this year

  Nickname: The Great Mommu - She Who Must Be Obeyed

  Occupation: Human Resources Manager - aka, the 'Terminator'

  Weaknesses: Although outwardly able to fulfil the persona you mention, I am actually a caring person, mother of four, easy to get along with as long as I am not pushed too far, and hurting from having been abandoned by my own sisters.

  Please let me know at your earliest convenience if this application holds your interest.

  Jean
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  Virgochik

  I could be a quiet, dependable middle sister who takes care of you and drops off soup when you're sick. I don't have any brothers or sisters, and I, for one, would be thrilled to have you as family! They should be too, for shame!
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  damselfly

  (((Sass))) I hear you.
  
  I nominate myself for the postion of slightly wacky cousin who is awful at keeping in touch but will drop everything and be there when needed no questions asked :)
  
  Dams
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  Cabin in the woods

  Its official... you have been adopted by a very appreciative, jocular, middle aged motherly/grandmotherly woman who has lost her family to the Borg as well.

  No point in taking in other applications I know I great thing when I see one. I have always wanted a daughter of my very own!

  cab
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  BlackPearl

  Wow! I don't know what to say, I'm absolutely speechless. I'm also very impressed with the caring, nurturing nature of the women of this board. Our Creator, Jehovah, would be proud....he would be so proud of the true christian love here. And...I'll apply for the "older brother" position.
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  AudeSapere

  Umm Sass -

  It sounds like we are in the same family. Which ugly sister did you think was me??

  I promise - I'm actually very caring and extremely loyal and tolerant.

  Maybe you're actually my cousin from the family that my own odd family ignored for years.

  Wanna come over tomorrow and talk?

  -Aude.
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  Calliope

  i'd like to apply for the part of a sister, but i'm younger, would that be alright?
  
  i could cover for you when mom and dad ask what you're up to. in my younger sister experience, i did a lot of that.
  but i can also be a best friend. i'm exceptional at listening and being non-judgemental. offering advice only when asked or when you're being a real a$$. taking you out when you're feeling down. slipping a case of beer in your fridge to surprise you when you get home.
  
  i'm really good at being a best friend. i'd give you references, but i've lost most of my "best" friends...
  
  let me know which you'd prefer, sister? or best-friend? personally, i'd probably be a better best-friend than sister, but i leave the decision up to you.
  
  
  cal.
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  Honesty

  the younger a potential stand-up comedian....

  Honesty ---->

  .