Sorry, need to moan and belly ache

by Elsewhere 53 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Brigid

  Oh (((sweety))),

  Your story brings home something I always remind my daughter of (who at 13 is beautifully blossoming into the full embodiment of maiden goddess and attracts boys like crazy). I remind her that when boys approach her (she is not allowed to "date" yet) to remember how hard it is for boys to talk to girls knowing that 50-90% of the time (depending on the male), they are facing absolute rejection and that takes a lot of guts. She does not have to be "nice" or falsely encouraging and she must reject jerks outright, but to always be respectful of those who are respectful of her.

  It is hard for the male. You guys always talk about the things you would hate about being a woman (giving birth, monthly cycles, etc.) This is the thing that would terrify me.

  As far as social anxiety: I grew up painfully shy (literal pain would ensue in social settings). I have learned as I get older that most people are just as afraid as you are. Keep asking questions about people...you will be amazed at how another human longs to be heard. Besides, chicks will think you're genuinely interested in who they are as a person and "dig it"

  Love and Light,

  ~Brigid
• 

  lonelysheep

  (((Else)))
  
  I would never have known you felt this way if you hadn't posted this thread! I had a blast hanging out w/you at Chris and Nina's. Your personality shows here -- you're the same offline as you are in cyberworld.
• 

  serendipity

  
  Hi Nos,

  I could touch on so many of your points Elsewhere, but that would take a lot of time. Here, try this out. It'll give you a kickstart on social interaction. Remember, you have to do the work to get any results:
  

  http://www.jbspencer.com/djb/Downloads/djbc.pdf

  The info that jbspencer gives will only attract a certain type of woman. Here's a snippet from p. 20:

  Has deep convictions that allow him to be a possible leader. This is crucial because one day you will become the leader of your own household. Yes, we talk of 50/50, of everything being
  
  equal, but Nature's laws surpass that of Humans. Women naturally submit and nurture, Men naturally lead and provide.
  
  If you were a woman, would YOU want a Nice Guy in charge of your household? Or would you want A MAN?

  I can tell you I don't need a MAN to be the leader of the household. I can tell you that many women don't naturally submit. They chose to do so to avoid arguments or keep their manly man from feeling emasculated. But is it a woman's preference at all times? I don't think so. And there are plenty of female leaders doing just fine. It's not the NATURAL province of a man.

  I've had the manly man - give me the nice guy any day.
• 

  Elsewhere

  First: Thanks everyone for all of the great posts, comments and advice.I promise I have not been ignoring this thread and everyone's great PM's... it's just when I get depressed I crawl into a hole and hide there for days on end. When I'm down I find social interaction to be extremely draining and difficult.

  As many pointed out, I am very much lacking in self confidence, especially when it comes to women. Something I didn't share before is one of the main reasons why this is so... going through middle school and high school I was your classic "target". Sure, there were the bullies (That is a whole other story )... but I was also the target of some seriously twisted girls. They would intentionally approach me and act friendly as a setup and then do or say things for the express purpose of humiliating me for the entertainment of their friends.

  I think two of the worst would be: In middle school I found a "secret admirer" note in my locker. It went on and on about how great I was and asked me to meet her at my locker after school... when I showed up I was met by a group of the "popular / in crowd" girls all laughing their ass off at me, "as if" was the main thing they kept saying. Another was when I was waiting in high school in the school administrative office to take care of some normal school business. Again, some of the "popular / in crowd" girls, two of them this time, where going on and on about all of the "things" they did with guys when out on dates. They were being quite explicit and ensured I heard every word. After going on like this for awhile they started talking to me cracking jokes about how "inadequate" I must be... hand motions, gestures and all. This went on for quite some time until I was called to the office I was there to see.

  There are quite a few more I could post... but you get the idea. After such experiences I became "conditioned" to expect the same treatment from all girls. Even to this day when a girl talks to me my first instinct is to panic wondering what humiliating thing she is trying to setup for the entertainment of her friends. It takes a great deal of effort for me to suppress these thoughts and feelings.

  I guess my point is that after going through so many similar situations I can't help but conclude women have absolutely no interest in me, so why even try?

  I have managed to flirt and play with a few women and have some good experiences... most here. It just seems that the times we actually get to meet in person and spend any significant amount of time around each other are far and few between.

  My main wish would be that I could get over all of the BS and conditioning of the past and have a normal social life with women who actually live in the same city I live in.

  Nina,
  And I need to tell you that there is someone who thinks you are EXTREMELY cute but unfortunately she's not available. However, she always asks about you when she calls me, so don't ever think you haven't got a mojo working, because you do!

  You bring up a very interesting topic that I have wondered about for a very long time. I'm not kidding or exaggerating when I say this, but one of my biggest obstacles is the fact that nearly all of the women who show any significant (and romantic) interest in me are married or in a relationship! When I stop and think about it I am amazed at the number... hell even at this very moment there is a married woman at work who is making it exceedingly clear that she wants more than to be "just a friend". For those wondering, I have not acted on this for several reasons, and I have no plans to either.

  I have considered that maybe this is in part my fault because when a woman is married the pressure is off for me... I don't feel compelled to "try" and I relax more... which in turn allows me to interact and communicate far better.

  Again... many thanks to everyone for listening to be moan and belly ache.
• 

  cruzanheart

  I don't feel compelled to "try" and I relax more... which in turn allows me to interact and communicate far better.

  Hmmm, you could be right. Most of the guys who ever showed any interest in me had to get to know me first, and that sure is easier if a person is relaxed.

  That makes me really mad, what the girls did to you in school. If it's any comfort, they're probably on their third or fourth husband, God knows how many kids, and thoroughly trashed out in appearance. Or harboring so much silicone and collagen that they look like department store mannequins. (And there's still one guy from high school whom I would like to run into before I die, because I'd still like to kick him in the balls for humiliating me at school.)

  Look, you know the way to Murphy. When you get to feeling that way, the easy thing is to avoid people but if you can please call us and come over. You know you're always welcome. You've got lots of friends and that's important too.

  Hugs,

  Nina
• 

  lola28

  Sure, there were the bullies (That is a whole other story )... but I was also the target of ;some seriously twisted girls. ; They would intentionally approach me and act friendly as a setup and then do or say things for the express purpose of humiliating me for the entertainment of their friends. ;

  eeeeeee, you too? Middle school was really bad for me the other girls did not like me and damn 13 year olds can be nasty. I soon figured out that the girls would not like me on matter how hard I tried so I was not going to waste my time with them. I had one good girl friend and the rest of my friends happened to be guys and I guess that's the way it's always been for me. I have never had a problem going up to people and talking to them mostly because I really do want to hear what they have to say, I just can't seem to make lasting friendships with women, guys on the other hand are so much easier to deal with. My BFFOL is a guy, I talk to him every day about pretty much everything and I know that he will always have a "poor girl" or a cyber hug to give what can I say other than I'm glad I have some one to talk to when I'm having a bad day?

  Lola
• 

  Elsewhere

  eeeeeee, you too? Middle school was really bad for me the other girls did not like me and damn 13 year olds can be nasty.

  Sometimes my dad reminds me of Al Bundy from the show Married with Children because he frequently talks about his glory days in High School. I remember being in High School and my dad saying to me: "David, these are the best years of your life. Enjoy them while you can.".

  I was thinking: "You mean it's doing to get WORST?!?!?!"

  For his generation, yes, High School was a good experience, but for the generations after that, High School is a living HELL. I'm relieved to report that life has improved dramatically ever since leaving High School. I can only imagine the horrors kids go through these days.

  Some good news to report. That girl I met at the work related party... well she returned my email!

  She ended it with: "Thank you for your e-mail. :)"

  Looks like a good sign to me!
• 

  Big Tex

  I remember being in High School and my dad saying to me: "David, these are the best years of your life. ; Enjoy them while you can.".

  My mother said the same thing. I don't think it's about how the older generation had it easier, I think it is about how the best years of our parents were while they were in high school. And afterward they had to live with the knowledge that the best they had was contained in a couple of years.

  That girl I met at the work related party... well she returned my email!

  The first time I met you was at Gloria's back in '02. You were down on the end of the table with XenaWarrior, Heaven and a couple of other grownups at one of the first Apostafests. I remember thinking there's no way I could wade down there. That's over my head.

  Of course I came to know those people very well and I found out they're no different than me. Just people. They came to like me for who I am once I found a way to show them who I was. If that makes sense.

  Be yourself Else. Online you flirt and are a fun guy. I suspect you put too much pressure on yourself (I know what that's like). Just be you, which is a little flirty, a little smart guy and a little shy.

  >manly chuck on the shoulder<

  arr arr

  Chris
• 

  wednesday

  
  Elsewhere,

  I believe some of it may be where you live . This is a very religious area. We have been led to believe that only jws cared about the Bible and God/Christ , etc, but way wrong. This is the Bible belt. I was talking to someone recently who said basically those who did not care to be in a religion or did not want a heavy religion, well they almost had to join the "christian witnness protection program". We laughed about this and all but it is true. I was told the methodist religion was sort of like being a secualr christian, or a secular jew, just show up, and that's about it. Christianity lite.

  anyway, it may be that you would be happier in another area, one that is not dominated by churches. It would improve your ability to find a woman who also thought like you. I know if i ever get a chance to get away from this religious hell hole, i'm gone.
• 

  damselfly

  <<After such experiences I became "conditioned" to expect the same treatment from all girls. Even to this day when a girl talks to me my first instinct is to panic wondering what humiliating thing she is trying to setup for the entertainment of her friends. It takes a great deal of effort for me to suppress these thoughts and feelings.>>
  
  Girls at that age can be quite cruel and mean. If it's any consolation they are the ones who rarely find happiness once they become adults. They hold on to their mean ways and other adults want nothing to do with them.
  
  So many posters that have met you in person have nothing but good things to say about you. Read them over and boost your self confidence.
  
  <<"David, these are the best years of your life. ; Enjoy them while you can.".>>
  
  Ugh. Thank goodness those were not my best years. You couldn't pay me to go thru all that again. I've had some good years but I believe my best are still ahead (or at least I really hope so!)
  
  <3 Dams