I am a 34 your old man who has been raised a JW. I am baptised and have been inactive for some time now. I live with my mother (a devout JW) and my youngest sister who is DF'd. My father left the truth long ago and my parents will be getting divorced soon. I watched my marriage of ten years fall apart and my wife and I separated two years ago and are now divorced. The only reason why I live with my mother and sister is to be of some financial support to them. Thank goodness I went to college! I now have a very good career and can actually live above poverty level. My wife was very abusive, both verbally and physically. I felt like I had grounds for separation, but I received no support. Her "elder" father even supported her when she punched me, telling me that "I got what I deserved...". I was admitted to a hospital after a suicide attempt and spent about a week there wondering what the heck was wrong with me - I had no self-esteem left. Once we got divorced, I switched records and began attending my mother's congregation. Naturally, the elders wanted to talk to me about my position as a divorced Christian and what that would mean for me. I was told that I would not have any privleges or be able to join the ministry school because I had no spiritual grounds to divorce. (My wife should have been at least reproved for her actions, and I should have been free to divorce her.) The elders said "We have no use for you here..." and those words did not bother me or make me bitter. I knew that I would most likely not be active anymore anyway. There are so many JW who are desparetly trying to maintain all of the demands required to be acceptable - follow every rule outlined by the WTS. Many are stressed beyond limits. My mother is a nervous wreck with many health problems brought on by stress, depression and lack of sleep. I did attend one day of the DC last week. My mother always insists on driving, and she is so worried about breaking the speed limits that we almost have an accident every time. In her eyes every rule must be followed to the "t", and as a result, she is jumpy, stressed and judgmental of others, including me. What a miserable existence. My job requies that I work evenings, so I miss most of the meetings and barely make Sunday. I met a 'worldly' woman at work and we have been going out for about 4 months now. We have taken things rather slow and we have not done anything that would be considered immoral. I have been keeping this secret from my mother and oldest sister (who is married and husband is an elder) and from the congregation. Within the org. I am not free to marry, and so if anyone found out I was dating, I don't know what would happen. (I don't want to give my mom a heart attack either. You have to 'ease' any shocking news on her ...) I have alot of friends and for the first time in years I have been happy. My depression has disappeared and I can actually look people in the eye and speak with confidence. I feel like some teenager living here, hiding behind this facade. I feel like decisions have been made for me and mere men within an organized religion have dictated to me every move I should make. Now I am breaking out of this shell. I by NO means hate the org. There are some wonderful bros. and sis. there, and yet there are some that are just as bad or worse than 'worldly' people. Oh, I forgot to mention that my youngest sis (who I love very much and help her when I can) is pregnant and her 'worldly' boyfriend is allowed in the house to come and go as he pleases! My mother has no problem with that. If I brought my girlfriend to the house, my mom would hit the roof!
At this point I think I should probably move out of the house and find an apartment closer to my job. Is anyone else going through a similar dilimma? How are you handling it?
Thanks for reading!