I need advice regarding child support

by snarf 12 Replies latest jw friends

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  snarf

  O.K. I know this is a forum about Jehovahs witnesses, but with so many intelligent people with varying ideas to solutions on problems, thought I would post my problem here. My daughter's father is $35,000 behind on child support. I have always tried to be suportive of their relationship and made sure they could see each other on his weekends. He takes her every other weekend like clockwork, always has. Most of the time I would drive her to the city where he lives about 40 miles away and drop her off, then at the end of the weekend would drive back to the city and pick her up. I have recently stopped due to the gas prices and plus I am always exhausted at the end of my work week. He still comes and gets her on his visitation weekend, but he has made no more attempts to pay support. I am registered with the state child support agency for collection, but the only time I have recieved money is when he was on unemployment and it was garnished or recently when they levied his bank account, which awarded me a whopping $140.00. I have tried a few times to keep her on his weekends but he always puts her in the middle of the fight and tells her that I don't want her to see him anymore, not true. She loves her father very much and I always felt that a relationship for her with her father was more important than a monthly check, but I am starting to get very angry about the fact that he isn't helping to contribute to her material needs. He is working 2 jobs, one as a waiter part time, and another full time job somewhere getting paid cash under the table I assume cause the state has no record of him working anywhere. He has 3 roommates so I know his monthly living expenses aren't too high.

  I was just wondering if anyone out there had any good suggestions to remedy this situation. I really don't need the money, I have always provided for her on my own, and she has everything she needs plus some. But, I just feel he needs to be held accountable for his responsibilities. I have assured him in the past on several occassions that the support would go into a savings for her so she could use it for her first car, college, or living expenses when she turned 18 and moved out on her own ( not like that is any of his business) to motivate him to pay.

  Any suggestions would be appreciated.
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  WildHorses

  Well, you could either have a talk with him about it and hope for the best, or complain to the child support office and have him arrested for non support. That may make him start paying.
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  LDH

  the state has no record of him working anywhere.

  Check and see if your state will do a "presumptive order" --in other words this clown has no income, we all know life is not free. They will "presume" how much he's making and base an order on that.

  You sound like a great mom, he is weak.
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  Mulan

  We have an employee who is very behind on his support payments. We are required to deduct $350 a week from his checks. (he only works for us occasionally) He doesn't like it and wants to be paid in cash but we can't do it. I know employers who do it though, so you might try to find out where he is working and report his employer. It's a nasty fine. I guess some employers are sympathetic to deadbeat dads.
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  serendipity

  I can empathize, my ex owes me over 100K and I'll probably never see any of it. So I can't offer advice on how to collect. I would just suggest that you do your best not to let the anger come out in your conversations with your daughter. Conflict between parents upsets the kids.
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  snarf

  Thanks for your posts. I have always kept my head when I get upset with her Dad. I grew up in a split family and my parents always threw us in the middle of their fights, so I would never do that to my daughter. I don't think she even knows what child support is...lol.

  Serendipity...WOW ! Makes my problem seem very small. As the saying goes...what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.
• 

  Purza

  I have tried a few times to keep her on his weekends but he always puts her in the middle of the fight and tells her that I don't want her to see him anymore, not true. She loves her father very much and I always felt that a relationship for her with her father was more important than a monthly check, but I am starting to get very angry about the fact that he isn't helping to contribute to her material needs.

  Please, please, please don't put your daughter in the middle. I have experience with this on both sides. My ex owes me over $75K and I will never see a dime. He has no desire to see his daugther and there is nothing I can do about it -- I never say anything bad about him to her. We just live our life and we are happy. If he wanted to be a part of her life, I would have no problem with that.

  My current husband has a b*itch of an ex-wife and she tries to mess with the child's head (it is sickening) -- and he pays her faithfully every month. He has no arrears and travels 100 miles to pick her up every weekend and then another 100 back home. That is 400 miles in a weekend. Mother doesn't even lift a finger to meet him half way. It kills him when she puts the child in the middle and it certainly isn't fair to the child.

  You said you don't need the money and you are registered with the county so at least your bases are covered. I know its not fair that he gets to see your daughter without having to pay for her basic support. It sucks -- I know. I think if you take the high ground you will be glad you did -- and your daughter may someday realize that you are the one who carried the burden.

  Just my humble opinion.

  Purza
• 

  spiceant

  I think you should ask him about his financial situation because (i think) he might get a lot of problems if he doesnt have the money that you might try force out of him and (i suppose) squeezing an empty sponge is only going to get you a squeezed sponge.

  Be self controlled, do not blurt out your anger, try to understand his situation and why he doesnt pay and try to come up with a solution. Be tolerant and forgiving (not a 7 but 7 times 77), you already said you dont need the money so you can materially survive that. Whatever you do do not dispell the understanding he might have for you by becoming angry or complaining. Tell him you think that a loving father lives up to the responsibilitys of a father (if you do) but try not to complain, because this will not help you with him because complains do not have any form of love in them.

  People give to people who give, and forgiveness and understanding are one of the greatest things someone can give. Try to show understanding, compassion, love, restraint, be humble and many more beautiful things ouer heavenly father would want us to exhibit and be.

  I would post a lot more, but the issue is about the daughters father and not a broken marriage.

  hugs and kisses, Sander Buruma
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  daystar

  I'm in a similar boat. My ex-wife owes several thousand dollars. Legally, I still can't prevent her from seeing him. But that doesn't seem to be much of a problem lately. I gave up waiting for any financial help from her some time ago. We can make it on our own.

  At some point, I may press the issue through legal means. However, she has other, very powerful, demons to defeat right now and being the benevolent being that I am, I have no desire to add to it by causing her to be jailed.

  If yours is gainfully employed and is still not paying support, I would suggest seriously considering pressing charges.
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  breeze

  I understand it is not fair for him not to pay his share or some share. Your situation sounds not all that bad. He is easy to deal with and makes few demands.

  I wouldn't take or deliver the child to him, that makes everything easy for him. At least swap weekends when his turn is due. Make detailed notes and records of his true interest in the child. Without dates and documentation the courts and lawyers are less likely to be successful, your relation ship could turn to the bad side anytime. You can get custody if he continues to neglect the payments. In the US if you have a lawyer they will pick up and jail him for pastdue child support, that will change his attitude also.

  I have a daughter that had an ex that was a total ass, and wouldn't pay support, everytime the law would allow we had him jailed, that became to embarrasing for him so he allowed me to adopt the child. we promised that he could see the child anytime after the adoption, but he was too difficult to deal with so we just ignored him and now he is completely out of our life. If he ever shows up, we will call the police immediately.

  As long as you have an amiable relationship maybe it is best left alone. You do have legal options, just get a lawyer and they will jerk him into line.

  BREEZE