Are you grateful you're out?

by bluesapphire 25 Replies latest jw friends

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  bluesapphire

  The reason I ask is because I am in a dilemma with my husband. Long story short:

  I joined and we met. I went through a divorce and we fell in love. I'm older and had 3 small children - now teens. 4 years into the marriage I discovered I had been duped. I was very pushy with my husband and had no tact when I tore apart the religion of his youth.

  Now, that's not to say he was in love with it. He always hated it. He detested meetings, service, the people, the elders, the entire life system.

  Forward 6 years he is looking back and missing his mom, his sister and some "friends". Now, he never had a relationship with either his mother or his sister because they judged him as a trouble maker and weak in the "truth". But now he's missing them regardless.

  Only I am shunned because my sister engaged in a smear campaign when she realized she was the only one shunning me. I'm not df or da but go to another church. She was the only one who knew and began shunning me. When she realized she was alone in doing so, she made it a point to contact each and every person in my husband's family and all of our friends and let them know I went to another church.

  So now his mom told my husband "she made her choice...you have to make yours." Nevermind the fact that my husband also went with me to another church and we even baptized our baby. They don't know this because my sister doesn't know this.

  Well, now my husband is acting like he is resentful that I "took his family away and his religion." So I told him to go back. That I wouldn't be in the way as long as we continued to respect each other. He said, "I can never go back knoing it's all a pack of lies."

  So there you have it. He doesn't want to go back but he's resentful, rather than grateful I enlightened him to the fact the religion he always hated is bogus.
• 

  bluesapphire

  I forgot to say that this all came up because yesterday he lied to me and said he was going to get gas and never came back. When I asked him where he went, he said he had gone to "Ricky's" house. (This is an old old friend of both of ours who he just ran into recently and I was glad to hear about their encounter and looked forward to re-establishing a relationship with him. I had no idea how far my sister's smear campaign had reached.) I said, "Well, I don't understand why you had to lie to go to Ricky's. This doesn't make sense." So he said,

  "I knew if you knew I was going over there you would want to go too. And they told me you're not welcome at their home."

  So they invited him over and told him not to bring me. I was very hurt and offended that my husband would go along with this type of behavior. If ANYONE told me he wasn't welcome in their home I would have let them have it and walked away forever. Am I wrong? I feel this is a loyalty issue. Not to mention that it shows no back-bone.

  Tell me what you think but be kind if you think I'm wrong. I want to know why and what you all think I should do. But I am very sensitive right now...
• 

  misanthropic

  Now, he never had a relationship with either his mother or his sister because they judged him as a trouble maker and weak in the "truth". But now he's missing them regardless.

  Well then I don't see how he can be blaming you for "taking his family away".

  If ANYONE told me he wasn't welcome in their home I would have let them have it and walked away forever.

  Ditto, I'd be pretty upset too.
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  bluesapphire

  The thing is that he was brought up by his JW mother who taught him to be a spineless weenie when it comes to life. When we were dating he decided to move out into his own apartment. She had a huge congregation party for him and did not invite me. He didn't stand up to her then. Later when we were engaged, an elder and his wife inivted him out to the movies and invited another sister, hoping he'd dump me and go for her. He didn't make a peep about that either. So I am not surprized he is still the spineless little weenie he was back then. But I had hoped that in the 10 years we've been married he would at least have become a little bit more of a man.

  I sound like I'm dumping on him. It's how I deal with things that hurt me. What should I do? Should I let this slide? Should I make a stink?
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  choosing life

  Let him know how this has hurt you. Remind him that you are willing to let him have freedom of religion and he needs to give you the same freedom. And mostly let him know that you can't help that this religion is a pack of lies. That is something he will have to deal with on his own.
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  bluesapphire

  So what about the part of his being spineless? I guess I'm having a tough time respecting him now. I know this religion looks good when you're far away from it. He wont be able to stand being in it. But the issue for me is that he is going to be in contact with all these people who will talk about me and disrespect me and he is too much of a wuss to put them in their place. I'm slowly getting to the point where I might just want out.
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  New Worldly Translation

  I think he's just feeling sorry for himself and looking for an easy excuse for his being resentful of losing contact with his family.

  The fact is you didn't take his family away the JW religion did. You didn't force his sister, his mother or his friends away, they did that themselves under direction from the org and the shunning policy.
• 

  Finally-Free

  I'm grateful that I'm out. The price was high, but many people have lost much more than I in their quest for freedom.

  W
• 

  Warlock

  blue,

  I just want to know why you think he is going to grow a spine now, when you knew he was spineless when you married him?

  Did you marry him because you thought you could make him strong?

  I guess I'm asking why you married him if he was spineless?

  Warlock
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  bluesapphire

  That was a flaw among many qualities I fell in love with. Now the flaw is glaring me in the face and hurting me. And it's getting harder and harder to forgive.