Are you grateful you're out?

by bluesapphire 25 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Warlock

  I feel for you, blue.

  It is a difficult situation you got yourself into.

  I don't know what you might do about it.

  Let me think about it for a while.

  Warlock
• 

  Warlock

  The only thing I can tell you is this: HE WILL NEVER CHANGE.

  That is the only fact you will need to make this decision, no matter what that decison is.

  Sorry I couldn't be of better service. Please take care.

  Warlock
• 

  Honesty

  So he said, "I knew if you knew I was going over there you would want to go too. And they told me you're not welcome at their home." So they invited him over and told him not to bring me.

  You need a vacation from all this.
• 

  apfergus

  You're in a pretty tough place. Just try to communicate with him, and don't hold back (don't be cruel, either) because you're afraid of exacerbating the situation. I'm frequently guilty of not being a very strong communicator and what it usually takes is someone just being blunt with me and then giving me enough time and space to think about what they've said and communicating my feelings.
  It sounds like he's just looking for an easy way out of a situation that's way more complicated than that. It's a phase I'm sure a lot of people here have been through.
• 

  Balsam

  He is not grateful because all he feels is what is negative about leaving. Its a matter of seeing the glass 1/2 empty rather than the glass 1/2 full. He is stuck in his negative thinking. That is too bad because being out is great.
• 

  serendipity

  Try marriage counseling.
• 

  mama1119

  I agree with Serendipity and Warlock...HE WILL NEVER CHANGE and TRY MARRAIGE COUNSELING....at least the maraige counseling can be a great [lace to communicate feelings and make him realize he is not the only one "hurt" here...and alot of times they teach you to really turn to each other for support in circumstances like this, so you can provide a united front
• 

  bikerchic

  He didn't stand up to her then. Later when we were engaged, an elder and his wife inivted him out to the movies and invited another sister, hoping he'd dump me and go for her. He didn't make a peep about that either. So I am not surprized he is still the spineless little weenie he was back then. But I had hoped that in the 10 years we've been married he would at least have become a little bit more of a man.
  

  I sound like I'm dumping on him. It's how I deal with things that hurt me. What should I do? Should I let this slide? Should I make a stink?

  
  

  
  
  blue I haven't read any more beyond the above. My take is this; you knew before you married him he was "a spineless little weenie" and he has proved this many times over, where his family is concerned he is weak. You knew this and still married him, instead of being pissed off at what you married you might find the solution is in yourself if you look at why you would marry a weak man. Honey there has been pay offs big time for you all along.......to complain now makes you look the fool.

  Sometimes we make sacrifices to get what we want at the moment but pay a life time for it. This might be one of those sacrifices. Look at what you have and find some gratitude and remember you picked it. I don't mean to sound harsh but sometime we have to look at ourselves first then we can understand the other person. He hasn't changed, you have, it's not fair to pull the rug out from under him now. Is this the mountain you want to die on? Or can you let it slide? You know your man work with what you have sweetie life, will be much better for your whole family if you do.

  my .02
• 

  bluesapphire

  I have been getting some great feedback and unloaded a lot of my hurt today. Thanks for that everyone. This situation is complex. You are right in that I knew this flaw when I married him and I SHOULD NOT EXPECT IT TO CHANGE. But he was so young and I thought it was immaturity. I really didn't think I'd have to deal with this 10 years later! I am absolutely sure he will not change. Even if he reverted now and stopped hanging with those who do not welcome me, the opportunity has passed.

  The issue here now is whether I can live with this or not. And whether I can forgive him and myself. I really think that his "missing" the organization is a cop-out. He has told me he doesn't miss it at all. He just misses the social aspect of it. And that's why shunning works, isn't it?
• 

  bikerchic

  ((((blue))))

  The issue here now is whether I can live with this or not. And whether I can forgive him and myself. I really think that his "missing" the organization is a cop-out. He has told me he doesn't miss it at all. He just misses the social aspect of it. And that's why shunning works, isn't it?

  B~I~N~G~0 !

  It sounds to me like he is really missing something in his life and if you don't or won't fill in the gap of what's missing he'll be gone. Get in his camp, give him emotional support and be a loving wife one he would not want to have bad things said about and one he would defend to the max. It's time to be vulnerable and let him know your fears, guys love to fix things and they love to know you depend on them.

  You know no one is wrong here you just aren't on the same page, tune into each other and become united or the marriage is over, I doubt you really want that. I'm sure he's a really nice guy with lots of good qualities, concentrate on the good stuff. Pretty soon you'll both not only be grateful you're out but that you stuck through a difficult time together.

  I wish you luck!