Predicament and Question: An Ex's Friends (page 2)

serotonin_wraith

If you have to see his friends, do it where and when you know he won't be there. If the end of the relationship was heartbreaking for him, the people he needs now are his friends, he won't want you there too. It could even lead to him losing friends because he can't face seeing you at the same time. That doesn't mean he has to grow up, as some of the women here are saying, it could be a perfectly natural reaction to the pain he may have at losing you. If you were hurt by a guy would you want him hanging around your friends and still being a part (no matter how small) of your life?

daystar

Let's see... the liklihood is that the guy wants in your pants and has little man-loyalty with your ex. This sucks. He is not to be trusted. The girls... well, they're girls and you all stick together anyway right, so why not? You ex can always find more female friends.

However, I could also see it this way. They were his friends before you came along. Why don't you let them remain his friends instead of letting the issues between you and him mess up friendships that predated you even knowing him? Are they that special to you that you would "steal" them from him? Where are all of your friends? How would you feel if they all started hanging out with him in preference over you?

Or... screw him. He's the ass who said the hurtful things. He should man up and act like it's no big deal. Unless, you know, he actually did really love you.

Now, since you say you'd have no problems seeing him at the birthday party, I might assume that your feelings for him have cooled. His likely have not. If you show up at his friend's birthday party, you risk there being problems since he does still have feelings for you. Maybe you decide not to be so cold and let him have some time to get over you?

Hope that helps. (And I apologize for the tone as I re-read what I've just written. I've obviously been through this sort of thing before, so have a certain perspective on things. I'm sure you're a perfectly nice, kind, considerate person. Honestly, my suggestion would be to back off for a time and give him room to readjust. That would be the kinder thing to do. He'll get over it after a time and then I'm sure you'll be more than welcome.)

Good Girl or Bad Girl?

If you have to see his friends, do it where and when you know he won't be there. If the end of the relationship was heartbreaking for him, the people he needs now are his friends, he won't want you there too. It could even lead to him losing friends because he can't face seeing you at the same time. That doesn't mean he has to grow up, as some of the women here are saying, it could be a perfectly natural reaction to the pain he may have at losing you. If you were hurt by a guy would you want him hanging around your friends and still being a part (no matter how small) of your life?

I respect this statement. Don't you think, though, that his friends, who truly know him, would be able to determine if it's too hard for him to be around me and then act accordingly. My friends have been very sensitive on the matter. When they know he will be there (we both live in a relatively small city and eventually you are both going to be at the same thing), they let me know ahead of time. I would think his friends would do the same thing for him. YUCK. AGAIN, this whole topic just disgusts me. Why can't exes just get along with each other? We dated for two months. That's it. Jeez. It shouldn't be a big deal. OK I'm done ranting for the moment. And I do appreciate all of the various opinions, just to make that abundantly clear. I'll think carefully on all of them.

daystar

We dated for two months. That's it. Jeez

Really?! Well, then forget what I said. Do whatever you want to do. He needs to get over it.

Nosferatu

It's a sad reality of splitting up with someone. You not only have to abandon your ex, but their family and any circle of friends that the two of you shared.

But there is a way around the whole friends thing. to keep things sane between you, your ex, and your friends, don't hang out with the whole circle at a time. Hang out with one or two of the friends. This will keep your friends from getting stuck in the middle of you two.

If you just can't have it this way, abandon the whole circle of friends. Good friends can hang out one on one.

kid-A

Unfortunately, you are dealing with a "break-up by association" situation and it would be pretty uncomfortable for all of you to be in the same room now.

So, privately contact his friends and arrange to meet them when the ex is'nt around, thus, no chance for awkward interactions.

Good Girl or Bad Girl?

Daystar, you make me laugh, and think. I like your post.

Now I am going to pick it apart.

Let's see... the liklihood is that the guy wants in your pants and has little man-loyalty with your ex. This sucks. He is not to be trusted. The girls... well, they're girls and you all stick together anyway right, so why not? You ex can always find more female friends.

Damn. Well this guy happens to be GREAT and when I first met him I thought, 'Why couldn't I have met him first? We are perfect for each other.' I guess that makes me the b*tch. Although this was after my ex and I were starting to have irreconcilable differences, post blissful-new-relationship stage.

Anyway, the guy who contacted me is actually dating one of the girls who contacted me, so I seriously think we are safe on this one. (But what if he is my soulmate? Never mind, I just watched The Family Stone on DVD last night so I'm a little out of touch with reality; chick flicks will do that to the best of us.)

However, I could also see it this way. They were his friends before you came along. Why don't you let them remain his friends instead of letting the issues between you and him mess up friendships that predated you even knowing him? Are they that special to you that you would "steal" them from him? Where are all of your friends? How would you feel if they all started hanging out with him in preference over you?

OK so now we are in kindergarten and forgot how to share? "They are my friends, get your own friends," as if people only have a limited capacity in their hearts for relationships/friends? Well, I could just be naive about it too. Most likely am. And yes they are special. Aren't we all? Har har. I wasn't saying that I wanted to "steal" his friends or hang out with his friends around him, but can't they be both of our friends without me being the "bad guy"? Let's see, Where ARE my friends? Um.... I know I saw them around here somewhere .... I left them last over by the TV .... oh THAT'S RIGHT. MY friends are Jehovah's Witnesses. They are still living in the mind f*ck and have written me off. Twenty-five years old and starting fresh with friends, not an easy task, but I've been through worse and am up for the challenge. No, but seriously, I get your point, Daystar. I have my own (non-JW) friends. I can hang out with them. I don't HAVE to be friends with my ex's friends. And I have actually been in that situation, where my friends picked my ex over me (felt great). So I can empathize with that and would never want to be that person, who steals a guy's friends.

Or... screw him. He's the ass who said the hurtful things. He should man up and act like it's no big deal. Unless, you know, he actually did really love you.

No, he did not love me. We only knew each other a very short time. (But he should man up. OK, I just wanted to type "man up" because I find it amusing.)

Now, since you say you'd have no problems seeing him at the birthday party, I might assume that your feelings for him have cooled. His likely have not. If you show up at his friend's birthday party, you risk there being problems since he does still have feelings for you. Maybe you decide not to be so cold and let him have some time to get over you?

Point taken, Daystar. I will stay away from the birthday party. I have no problems being the "bigger" person here. (And OF COURSE he still has feelings for me; he was a total chump to give me up. )

Hope that helps. (And I apologize for the tone as I re-read what I've just written. I've obviously been through this sort of thing before, so have a certain perspective on things. I'm sure you're a perfectly nice, kind, considerate person. Honestly, my suggestion would be to back off for a time and give him room to readjust. That would be the kinder thing to do. He'll get over it after a time and then I'm sure you'll be more than welcome.)

It's OK, Daystar, I only cried a little.

You have good points, good perspective, and I know how I would feel if the tables were turned. Thanks again for the awesome post.

Predicament and Question: An Ex's Friends

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