Hi Lola,
You're not worthy of death, sweetie.
You're just no longer conducive to those that are trying to get the work done. That's the choice you made and you'll have to suffer for it. Not everyone can handle the pressures that are bound to get worse. but I can assure you, it's gonna be worse for the ones outside of the arrangement.
This isn't a case of you wandering away, dear. This is a blatant move on your part to defect from the work. That's entirely your decision.
If you told Jesus you no longer wanted to be his disciple, what would you expect him to say or do?
(Matthew 12:30) . . .He that is not on my side is against me, and he that does not gather with me scatters.
It only gets harder the longer you are away dear. It won't get any better. The pain you're feeling gets worse and worse. Of course you'll have to learn that on your own.