Separated and dating a JW

by goldenshell 50 Replies latest social relationships

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  goldenshell

  Hi to everybody ,

  is the 1st time i write in here . Am really confused about my JW boyfriend attitude .

  Am separated and with a child .I went through a really bad time after separation (7 months ago)and one of the reasons the relashionship wth my husband ended is because i fell in love with my actual boyfriend ..was love @1st sight ...we didnt make love 4 obvious reasons related to his faith but @the beginning things were much easier :he allowed me to touch him in his intimate parts ,we touched each other (we saw each other naked without making love once)and was very exciting...but the more we were getting involved the accraction was growing more and more and even if i am from a different belief (converted to Islam)we agreed that nobody should try to change the other or impose anything ,,,but now i feel he is a bit selfish >he doesnt allow me to touch him under the belt (telling me that recently he discovered he is not allowed to do that )he doesnt even touch my breast because he is not supposed to(after he did before)He is 30 years old ,very good looking man and he keeps telling me when he sees me (once a month :which is even too much)that he cant resist me !but is actually the opposite !!!he is resisting me ...before i will be able to committ to him i will have to wait 3 years which means also have sex >i dont know and i dont think i will be able to resist after 5 years of marriage and ''regular'' sex life //i am tired of seeing him once a month because his family doesnt know about us (he tells me that if they knew they would tell him to stop helping them with money and to stay with me :but he doesnt wantto make that choice,since he was young he supported the family //on top of that after marriage he doesnt want to have children and he tells me that i have already 1 child (we spoke many times bout that and to make sure he wont have children he wants to do an operation that will sterilize him )

  1)I feel that no matter what i tell him he wont feel my pain

  2)sometimes i regret leaving my husband even if i know i did it 4 the right purpose

  3)i want to know how JW think about separated people

  4)he told me that the more time will pass the more will be involved wth his Religion

  5)he was wrong touching me from the beginning because is more difficult 4 me to accept that (i could accept more avoiding sex before cause there was the touching involved .I spoke with him and he froze infornt of the word Compromize)He admited that he is imposing me to accept things that arent part of my life and he cried cause he knew i was suffering and he was confusing me///

  6)He told me that the situation will change when i will solve my problem(divorce)and he will solve his problems (help his mom economically and his sister)

  7)i recently went on Holidays for 2 weeeks and when i came back even if busy in work he didnt even say welcome back ...just a short message that he was busy ,then the day after nothing untill i decided to stop writing to him

  IS A MENTAL RELATIONSHIP?WHAT IS IT ?IT HURTS ME TO SEE HIM and not being able to touch him

  8)i feel like an idiot

  9)he wrote me a mail few days ago to tell me that he was sorry and there was nothing else he could say and if he didnt behave well he didnt do it on purpose (i feel that he didnt mean it ,is just to avoid any discussion....

  My child asked me about him ...few days ago cause he has good laughs with him //i dont want to convert him to anything i just want him to open his eyes but i feel am talking with a wall and i cannot even think that he will change for me....

  Sorry for the long letter but i really believe u will be the only ones to tell me what is really going on with that guy
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  fullofdoubtnow

  Hi goldenshell, and welcome to the forum.

  I hate to say this, but if he is a committed jw, then my advice would be to get him out of your life now. If you pursue thie relationship, it will most likely end in tears. However much he loves you, if indeed he does love you, he will always love the watchtower society more; you will always come second in his affections, even if you become a jw yourself, a move which myself and the majority of posters on here would strongly advise against. I can't quite figure out this comment from your post though:

  he doesnt allow me to touch him under the belt (telling me that recently he discovered he is not allowed to do that )

  If he is a baptised jw and has been for some time, he won't have recently discovered that, he will have had it drilled into him for years. It sounds like he is more than a little ashamed of his previous conduct with you, and is trying to excuse himself in your eyes by telling you he wasn't aware of this restriction earlier. If that is the case, he is lying to you, and may do so again.

  Don't get involved with this man, you and your son deserve better.

  Linda
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  AlmostAtheist

  However much he loves you, if indeed he does love you, he will always love the watchtower society more;

  That's really the whole package right there. You already see it. Where in the Bible does it say he can't touch you? But the Watchtower says it, and he obeys.

  This isn't a slam on him personally, but against the mind-control that he's under from the Watchtower. A JW is expressly told NOT to think for himself, but to obey. You will be doing yourself and your child a huge, huge favor to get away from this person.

  Good luck to you,

  Dave
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  goldenshell

  txs Guys ,

  I really appreciate ur answers and advices!!u cant immagine how much

  i will answer to Linda 1st:he got baptized 5 years ago but he never got involved in a ''relationship''.I guess that ure right when u say that he knew from before that he wasnt allowed to do certain things but he kind of regreted them ....so i wander now if Jw leterally follow the Bible why Watchover society is more important??I know that religion comes 1st (as for the Islamic religion) but believe me that Muslims are more open than JW.I dont want to reach my 40ies sexually frustrated and i dont want to offend anybody saying that i feel a bit scared sometimes of the idea of a 30 years old man still vergin (how can he manage?)i know rationally that he is not worthed ....but my heart is blind !!!also ihow can i ever know someone well just talking wth msn everyday and seeing him once a month and talking to him over the phone whenever he can?Is he allowed to date a non Jw ?(he says he is not adviced but not forbidden)Waiting 4 more enlightment and txs to Dave
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  fullofdoubtnow

  Hi again goldenshell.

  Jws are discouraged from dating anyone outside their faith, but not barred from doing so. However, your bf would lose privileges in his kingdom hall if he pursues a relationship with you. Marriage outside the org is very much frowned on, and the jws tend to apply this scripture from 2Corinthians: chapter 6 to show why:

  14 Do not become unevenly yoked with unbelievers. For what fellowship do righteousness and lawlessness have? Or what sharing does light have with darkness?

  If your bf has been baptised for 5 years, he is very much brainwashed by now, and if he has ambitions to progress in his congregation, he will put his ambitions before your needs. Don't hold that against him, it's what he has been taught to do.

  Once again, I advise you to end this relationship now, before you get in too deep. I can see much future unhappiness for both you and perhaps your son if you carry on with it.

  Whatever you do, I wish you well.

  Linda
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  kimoko

  First off Goldshell let me just give you one thing ^^~*huggles Goldshell*~^^ i can only imagine how difficult this must be for you. If i am honest i have to say the way he acted was foolish but that is what love makes you i guess. He was probably overwhelmed when he first met you and just wanted to get to know you so much in a itimate way as you prob did with him. Although he did put a restriction on how much intamcy it was still wrong for him to do as a JW. He has probably had time to think about what to him Jehovah wants well atleast he is brainwashed with maybe he even seeked advice in a brother and they would say to restrain from building any form of intemcy after conversation, even being alone together.

  He used a really bad excuses with the "ive only just found out" lines like Linda said he would of known for a very long time, especially if he has been baptized for 5 years.

  At the moment he is probably distancing himself a little, there is not much you cando that i can think of becoming a JW yourself of course is a opition but in my opinion not a wise one! Just realise it is not your fault and in a way not his either the JW have a really screwed up system of things with morals that make no sense or in some cases follow no lines of being virtuous yet in others takin a virtue to the extreme. He is only acting on what he believes is the truth and is most likely afriad that the actions he has done in the past and if they continue would dislighten him in the eyes of jehovah.

  Im sorry there is no silver lining round the this cloud but all i can say is keep your strength up never believe its your fault or your doing anything wrong and i hope in some way it is able to sort itself out and hopefully it can be for the good

  Take care, *huggles* Megan
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  goldenshell

  Txs to the nice words Megan.

  I want to say to Linda:he got baptized 5 years ago but he is Jw since he is 10.

  His mother approached the faith 1st .He says that no one forced him .I believe that when ure young you dont have same judgment of an adult to understand what is best for you .I will never change religion again cause i converted to Islam 5 years ago .I feel that Megan came closer to what my bf felt eventhough he really used a bad excuse .He told me recently that he knows i am not happy and that i suffered a lot and that if i want to leave him,is not gonna blame me but he will understand!!!!!!!For me this answer gave me no hope and i felt really bad :as if he doesnt care whatever i do (cause for him is fine ,he is not loosing anything)...am not desperate 4 sex but i want to feel happy ,loved completely and dont feel like a14 years old girl when i am not ...I would like to have as much information i can to reply to him and prove that he is wrong ,but i can only be myself ,simple as i am ,direct and sometimes i feel he is annoyed that someone cares that much or worry about him.

  Txs again
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  goldenshell

  Hi again Megan,

  i forgot to mention that his brothers dont know about us ,so i guess he spoke with other people or he is just following what he think is best .

  Txs to Dave again !Believe me that am doing my best !Sometimes is easier to give advices for the people that are outside of the circle then from the people that are already involved ...believe me ..i know that to end it should be the best solution and i might reach that stage ...is just a matter of time ....do u think that JW have strong or weak minds?
• 

  jgnat

  i want to know how JW think about separated people

  Separated people cannot engage in sexual acts, otherwise they are guilty of fornication. This includes touching. The JW's are very strict about fornication. Even having a man over in your home overnight, unsupervised, is considered fornication. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fornication

  he told me that the more time will pass the more will be involved wth his Religion

  He's told you he loves the religion more than you. He is also engaged in wishful thinking, that he can somehow bring you in to his world and everything will be all right. He is regularly told that the Jehovah's Witnesses are the most loving people on earth, and that once exposed to their truth, all genuine seekers will automatically become Jehovah's Witnesses too. From your brief experience, are the Jehovah's Witnesses the most loving people on earth?

  He told me that the situation will change when i will solve my problem(divorce)and he will solve his problems (help his mom economically and his sister)

  But he will always choose the religion over you. This will never be a happy situation. Like you have noted, you are looking at years of celibacy in your future, with no promise of satisfaction in the end. Often JW families NEVER accept the outsider, no matter how lovely they might be.

  IS A MENTAL RELATIONSHIP?WHAT IS IT?

  It's a guy who is trying to backpedal. Also, you must understand that anyone in a high control religious group has TWO personalities. The put-on religious personality who is rigid, remote, and always tries to follow the organization exactly (no matter how much they hurt others) and the genuine personality who has interests, hobbies, and quirks.

  IT HURTS ME TO SEE HIM and not being able to touch him

  Yeah, you two set yourself up for years of unrequited lust.

  if he didnt behave well he didnt do it on purpose

  Seriously, I'd challenge him at length for this statement. Did he have an out-of-body experience? Was he on drugs? Did a demon take over his body? Who exactly was present with you when he "sinned"? I hate it when people don't take responsibility for their actions.

  i just want him to open his eyes but i feel am talking with a wall and i cannot even think that he will change for me....

  Now, this is another matter completely. As you are beginning to realize, the organization has a much stronger hold on him than you can imagine. To break him from the spell can take YEARS. Do you have years to invest? If so, I suggest you start by purchasing and reading Steve Hassan's books on mind control. www.freedomofmind.com

  ....do u think that JW have strong or weak minds?

  Generally, weak. Whereas in most religions people work hard at following their morals, because they know God is watching, JW's do what is right when other JW's are watching. They are far more afraid of a Judicial Committee meeting than God. God would likely be more forgiving.

  I am a little concerned about your own morality. The Islamic religion is very concerned about family life, is it not? What example are you providing for your child? I think it very likely you will be raising your child alone without any father at all. I suggest you find your moral centre away from any man's influence before you ever get involved with a man again.
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  james_woods

  Is it just me, or does anyone see a similar tragedy in the making here in this thread - i.e. a previous post this morning: hi i have just split from my girlfriend who had been disfellowshipped when i meet her things were great. She got pregnate and we were both thrilled. Now because of her blackmailling mother she has now left me and gone back to the religion. She says that she still loves me but cant be with me cos its not allowed unless i become a jw wich i dont want to. I dont know what to do. any help is appreciated We all may truly be the architects of our own misfortune. Any help offered here (from the forum) will certainly be sincere - I just hope that the posters of these miseries are equally so themselves. I hope things go well for you, and I agree that your mind should be on the child - and by that I mean the one you are carrying yourself. James