My family is making me nuts

NowImFree

I need some advice all. My mom, elder brother and sister and her family are all JWs. The only one who isn't a JW is my father. I have tried to maintain somewhat of a relationship with my mother since I disassociated almost 4 years ago, but it's really getting to me. She is 78 years old and I can hardly bare the thought of not talking to her anymore, but our conversations are so strained and I am always the one who has to make the phone call. In 4 years, she has only called me a couple of times, once to tell me about my cousin being in a motorcycle accident and a couple of other times that I asked if she could call me back. It is so one sided and she is kind of cold and I always feel like she is kind of looking down her nose at me, like she really wishes I wouldn't call her. My sister hasn't spoken to me since she hung up on me 4 years ago after I told her I disassociated and I tried to explain some of my reasons. My brother hasn't really talked to me since he tried to tell me the org really was the "truth" and when I told him I knew about all the false prophecies and tried to tell him where the proof is in their own literature where they made all these false predictions and then stated they were "Jehovahs prophet" he ran scared and also hung up on me! Why do they all love to hang up on people? I'm not being rude or nasty or anything, but the minute they hear something that even slightly disturbs them, they run like mad.

Anyway, I am debating on just asking my mother to tell me if she never wants me to call her again because I just can't deal with the phony conversations where I feel like she is not the same mom I used to know. It is very painful because she treats me very differently, like she is afraid of me or something. If she answers me that she doesn't want me to continue calling her, it will devestate me, but at least I will know where I stand and it will be over and done with. I just feel like I can't maintain this relationship (you can't really call it a relationship at this point) the way it is.

What would you do?

NowImFree

blondie

I would think that if she did not want you to call, that she would say so, or cut the conversation short. Think about what most JWs don't want to talk about....theocratic/JW things. I shudder to try and imagine talking about such things with my family. Can you talk about your life, your job, something funny you read that day, your hobbies, maybe gardening, drawing, music, etc., or listen to what she has been doing...ask about the non-JW things you know she does.

My husband has to initiate all the calls with his mother, and she isn't a JW. She does the same with her other children....

Hope you can work it out.

Love, Blondie

Highlander

I agree. When I have conversations with my family I NEVER discuss j-dub subjects. I'm completely inactive and live far away from my family so in reality they just might even believe

that I'm being the good little j-dub, doing all the j-dub things. Even if that is the case, I still never discuss religious topics,, I talk only about what truly interests me and truly interests

my family.

anewme

The other posters are right! Keep your conversations on non Biblical subjects, subjects that would interest your mom and she will ease up and relax knowing how the conversations will go.

I have been emailing my ex to keep in touch with the nieces and nephews we share. At first it was weird but now after 5 years I have sort of become like non JW family. He sent me 5 emails just yesterday just full of pictures and news. To be able to hear their voices or see their faces or hear some news is significantly better than being treating as dead.

Try to achieve this with your mom. It will be somewhat satisfying. Keep the line of communication open.

Anewme

NowImFree

Thanks everyone. I do stay off anything JW related now, but the tension is still there. Are they told that if someone calls them it is OK to talk to them but not to reach out themselves? I am just wondering because she will talk to me if I call her but she will not call me, it is totally one-sided. This is what upsets me. And the fact that she acts different, distant. I am just wonderting if the org printed something that said they could talk to df'd or da'd family members if they called them but not to reach out to the ex JW family member. Do you know?

Thanks,

NowImFree

jgnat

They are afraid of contamination. Yes it's bizaare, yes it's wrong, but that's what it is. I think you need a chance to grieve all you have lost. Not that you can't have some relationship restored - if they are willing - but living on tenderhooks all the time is no good for you.

The mom you knew is gone. Now you have this weirdly reserved creature who thinks she can't say BOO to you without fear you might contaminate her with your apostate-ness. In her own mind, the fastest way to "get you back" is to shun you all the way.

I think you need a grieving session, maybe take some flowers to a park and pour out your grief for all that's lost.

THEN, expecting nothing, you can work on building something. Here's a suggestion from Steve Hassan's book. When an issue comes up, ask them "Put yourself in my shoes. How do you think I would feel?"

I tried that out on my hubby recently, and he came out with a garbled WT answer. Something about me being sad for being blinded by the world. I said, "Nope, not even close. Want to try again?"

What you are trying to do is engage their natural personality, their natural conscience, instead of the put-on personality the WT has given them. Every genuine encounter you manage from your family, every genuine exchange, treasure it.

lisavegas420

I know exactly what you are talking about. My mom is the same way. It's so stained and one sided.

Me: Hello, Mom?

Mom: hello?

Me:Mom, It's me, lisa.

Mom: who?

me:lisa...I just called to see how everyone is.

mom:fine

me: ummm..dad?

mom:fine

me: brothers, sister?

mom:fine

me:well, we're all fine too. I haven't talked to you in a long time, and I hadn't heard anything since the last time I called. So ...well....(my children) are all doing really well. You wouldn't believe how big my grandchildren are. I sure wish you could meet them.

mom:*silence*

me:are you still there?

mom:yea

me:oh..it was so quiet I thought you'd hung up.

mom: well I'm kinda busy now.

me:well I'll be home all evening, you can call back any time.

mom:I don't have your #.

me:I'll give it to you.

mom:I don't have a pencil right now.

me:oh...well, ok..bye then. love you.

mom:*click

lisa.

garybuss

My parents had not contacted me for years and then after I initiated contact they disrespected me and yelled at me. I wrote them a short letter and told them, going forward the burden of initiation of contact would fall totally on them. That was 11 1/2 years ago. They have never contacted me. I don't expect they ever will. They are 85 years old. This is the way it will end.

lesterd

Your taking devastation in little bites, every time you call, and your doing it to yourself. Your should ask her if she wants you to stop, that will reveal her true colors and put the decission to end family ties on her. So far you have given her the power to judge you and to inflict that pain everytime you talk. It also might bring to light what shes doing and make her think about committing, one way or another.

lesterd

According to the society you can talk to a df family member, as long as its not on ORG matters or trying to justify thier wrongdoing.

My family is making me nuts

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