If she answers me that she doesn't want me to continue calling her, it will devestate me, but at least I will know where I stand and it will be over and done with. I just feel like I can't maintain this relationship (you can't really call it a relationship at this point) the way it is.
Everyone needs to know where they stand with regard to loved ones, for good or bad. Living in the nether world in between is so draining and confusing; at least for me. You have the right to create peace and feel good about yourself with those in your life. I've found it best to confront the issue/person and lay the cards on the table, have the heart to heart, take the chance so as to end the fear and speculation of what might be and start dealing with what is. It can be the hardest thing to do but no matter what happens, you can look back and say you tried and said your piece.
I agree with the talking about secular things only of course because as you know, some are so entrenched in the dub world that nothing external will extricate them. Their choice. It does sound like there's a lot of fear and detachment you sense from her, which we both know the reasons for. I am sorry you have to deal with this. But don't let it make you nuts; it will if you let it ;-)
In reference to what Garybuss said, I've come to terms with the fact that my parents will likely die as dubs as well and at this point, I tend to think that it's better to let a sleeping dog lie. Though my situation is not as "harsh" as some, there still is the deeply rooted aftereffects of the life previous and the ongoing stuggle to maintain some semblance of the nuclear family. I am ok with the fact I cannot change them and so much of my struggle with this is that it wasn't them, but myself that had to change and reconcile issues. Not that I love them as parents any less. It's never easy is it?
Take care
