LMAO, I thought that would get your attention!
I actually just had the most intriguing conversation with my JW brother. He can be so damn assholish, and then at other times he can be the bees’ knees. Let me recap. I have been having a rough time. Too much pain and drama in my life it would appear at first glance. But upon deeper reflection I am in such a good place.
Here is the recap. Last week I had a rough time of it. I have not told my brother of it. Meanwhile I also did a photo shoot for a girl for her quinceniera (spelling) Well I printed three 20 x 30 prints for her and she was going to pick one. This was the first I printed that large and it was amazing work. So I am also trying to set a fair price. When I took them to print, some places asked for 90 dollars. Others 60 per print. Amazingly I found a place that does the print on quality photo paper and it is 11 dollars a print. So...when she saw this work she wants all three prints. I for starters had priced them at 50 each. She wanted them all. Well as I sat there trying not to bust because it is so damn kewl to have your work liked...I saw that she had these miniature Chihuahuas . (Puppies) You can imagine how my lil heart melted and I had to have one. So I traded one print for this puppy that I took over as a gift to my mom. I figured she would love it and we would still get to see it and it would not be at high risk for danger...seeing my track history with dogs
So I walk in, and give my mom a puppy. She cries and somewhere in there I find out it is her birthday. LMAO. I could not help myself and I said.."Well happy Birthday MOM." (She is JW still, inactive, but has the mindset) She actually laughed. So I left there thinking in a few weeks I would help her get shots and for the time being left her 20 dollars for dog food and shampoo.
NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED! The freaking puppy had mites and Mange. So now my mom other dog has mange and my mom has rash all over. (Not made up this time) my brother is in a tizzy because I have done this, and my mom will not give me the dog back. She thinks I am not responsible with puppies. With about 4 dogs and a couple rabbits and iguana buried in the back yard, I can’t really argue with her. There are so many animals back there that my mom wants to be buried there after cremation. I about died when she said that, and my brother agreed just to shut me up. (We all know that over my dead body is this going to happen)
She won't give the puppy to the family we got it from for she views it as negligent. And finally today we found a rescue operation that will take this lil (cough cough) bundle of joy. It was too much and she cannot keep it. But I still have to pay for cleaning up the mange I made. lol Well I am down to the wire this month. A bunch of things went wrong at the wrong time. So as my brother tells me what I need to get, I stood there and finally had to tell him that I don't have it.
Surprise surprise, he hands me a charge card and say's to me "please go take care of this." So I did. Then when I get back he states if I want some money for two weeks, he will help so that I am flipped around. This is the same brother who tried to make me promise to see mom once a week so that I could borrow 1000 dollars for one day. Well I am in a mood and I said hell no to his bribe and bit the bullet and took the consequences. I think standing my ground did well for then now, he finally figured it out and helped just because.
He then asked me how I was. I told him. I told him about my streak of anger and bronchitis and my job, and my broken heart. He started to get upset and tell me how all I have is drama. Then he stopped and in almost a whisper he told me how be it good bad or indifferent, I live. He said I truly live. He then started to say something about having a moral standing by being a JW and I told him that this one apostate and my broken heart are not a reflection on exjw's. It is just one person and one person does not a whole society make.
He actually was kewl as hell and I had to stop and stand up for us apostates. And in the middle of all of this I realized that I am not hiding anything anymore. He knows exactly what I do as does most of the world. I can’t think of hardly anything that I have kept hidden about my personality. I looked at him and told him this. I told him how good it was to not lead a double life. (Yeah I hate that term) But I did tell him how I can be who I am, I can be wrong, or hurt, or angry and it feels so damn good.
He looked at me and I at him and there it was. That moment of truth that one has arrived. I realized how much I have done this last month and how released I am from all kinds of bonds. I tilted my head back and thought about my job, my business I started, my kids, my life, my heart, my goals and just about everything flashed in front of me and I had to wipe a tear of joy.
Well to make a long story longer, the deal is my brother knows about me and the "apostates" he knows how I live and who I loved. He knows my good bad and indifferent and maybe he was sober, or maybe it was just that he was not sober...but he knows this all and accepted me...for me. It felt wonderful.
Now as a side note, I applied for a job within my company with security asset protection. It is a manager job and seems so damn interesting. This is quite funny because they are the ones that busted me on my email. I have no idea how this will go, but I talked to my second line and told her..."I will be good at this job. I just spoke up and said who better to hire to catch time, money...whatever abusers than someone who has done it all?" She laughed so hard then she called the department and put in a good word for me. THAT Rocked.
I am not out of the hole, I have a mom with mange, a good tall glass of liquor from my party that I am sucking on and life is good. My heart is broke, but I don't feel how I did the other day. I have my anger under control and I actually do not give the same damn I did. Instead of feeling there is something wrong with me; I have this calming assurance that this is how life is at times. Just let it be. I can't change everyone, and well I know I am a good person. Sometimes so unique and at other times I feel I have a huge dose of reality and have to realize that we are all each other. We are human and our lives and thought process are intertwined. Only when one faces them self and sees the flaws and can bite the pride and fix them and accept what cannot be changed do we come to this calm spot. This place of acceptance that I feel so good abiding in. Just sipping the amaretto and typing, watching my kids and keeping an eye on some movie that has too deep a plot for me to follow over such calm conditions.