Who else has trouble making friends?

by new light 26 Replies latest jw friends

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  Quandry

  Thank you for your post. I am thinking the same sort of thoughts now that I am inactive with no plans to return.

  I spent two years feeling so betrayed by the WTS that I wanted to die. I did talk to a woman at work, and we became friends. Actually, I do keep her at a distance. She is very nice but I find myself feeling sorry for her for getting involved with such a pathetic person as myself with all the baggage that I now carry around.

  Also, how do you go from thinking that all worldly people are buzzard fodder to wanting to be friends? It is not an easy adjustment.

  Yes, I would say that I would like friends, but how do you explain to people who have never experienced the things we have what it is like? That's why I am glad for this board. We can understand each other in a way no one else can. Surely it must sound nuts to others when you try to tell them about changes in "new light" and the UN scandal and why it is important.

  I would like to get together with other posters soon. I was not ready to come to the sweatfest here in Texas. But maybe next year......The apostacurry sure sounds interesting in Britain. Glad you have groups to meet with.
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  cyberdyne systems 101

  I think this is a great topic to bring up so thank you for doing so. I too have had a long period of time without friends and its been hard going to survive the loneliness. I think when your going through the healing process of leaving the WTS, and your maybe being shunned by your former friends, its certainly an uphill struggle for a lot of us to adjust and even want to be proactive about it.

  I have to say that i've made a few new friends quite recently, and its been really good. I dont mind telling them about my past. Some want to talk about it, others are not so interested or understanding, and as has been said it good to know people here for support. My feeling is you have to force yourself to take up and make oportunities that come your way. I too get that feeling of wanting to deny myself going out with people to remain in my comfort zone, but I figure I wont move on until I get involved. I have hobbies that i've neglected and have now re embraced and meet people that way. After all in a sense the meetings were a form of hobby - in that it was an interest that we had and went too and had friends through. So finding another thing to be involved in and be where people are at is the key to forming friendships. I wish everyone the best at making their new friends.

  CS 101
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  new light

  Well, I guess we've established that the first step is actually wanting friends, then placing ourselves around people. It seems so basic, but it can take a long time to even get this far. Personally, I have a history of just plain avoiding social situations, so just throwing myself into the mix (not the life of the party or anything, just being there) has been a challenge. Yesterday, I forced myself to step outside the comfort zone, taking the initiative to be nice and social, and it was well worth it. I'm finding that social types are not the weak-minded, needy, approval seekers I told myself they were for years. There are real benefits to friendships, conversations, and shared experiences that satisfy even the most grizzled loner.

  Socializing seems to be a lot like exercise. If you are really out of shape, it is a hugely daunting task to even start moving. But you start off slowly and when it's over, you realize it wasn't so bad and you actually feel good. Then you do a little more each time, actually beginning to enjoy it, craving not only the benefits but the activity in and of itself.

  Quandary: I would suggest not thinking of yourself as an ex-JW with all sorts of baggage, but as a normal person deserving of good friends, which you are. It may not come right away, but it will as you replace old negative thoughts with better ones. The desire to break out of the cocoon is the only thing that matters here, and our actions will reflect our thoughts/desires. Don't be too hard on yourself, OK?
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  LisaRose

  It took me a few years to begin to make friends. Now I have lots, even though I am basically an introvert. Sometimes you just have to put yourself out there and risk rejection in order to connect with people. The more things you do the better chance you will meet and connect with someone. Sure beats the lonely years (For me) as a JW.
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  Sad emo

  Great topic New Light

  As blondie said, it's not just a JW/ex-JW thing, I was neither but I grew up in an abusive background. Any shred of confidence or self-belief went.

  I'm an introvert (but I sometimes wonder if there's an extrovert trying to get out!) and I never learned the art of conversation or socialising (I was never allowed out on my own). Combining this with my fear of people in general, it takes a great deal of effort for me to reach out to others or to think of anything to say to them when I do. But I'm working on it!

  It was a huge decision for me but I think going to the apostacurry will do me a lot of good
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  DesertRat

  ME!!! ME!!! ME!!!

  Growing up in the Org, with its 'Us Vs Them' mentality, definitely affected my ability to socialize or make meaningful friendships with the world at large. But even among my so-called 'brothers' & 'sisters' I had lifelong difficulties. It was not until last year that I finally learned that all of these challenges, & more, were a result of having Asperger's Syndrome. Nearly every person I have dealt with in a professional or support environment has acknowledged that this is indeed a heavy load to carry--the restrictive, isolationist religious upbringing combined with a deficit which makes the most basic communication (i.e., 'small talk,' knowing when to make eye contact, & for how long, being able to express my loyalty & affection without scaring a person off, etc.) difficult. Lucky me

  I am presently on a mission not only to discover who I am spiritually, but to hopefully catch up with the rest of the world when it comes to the ability to interact effectively, give & take, & express myself in ways that both I & others can understand. The resources available to Aspies (persons with Asperger's) are vast & getting more so all the time. Considering how inept I am & the fact that I feel my posts don't make a damn bit of sense, this forum has been wonderfully kind & accommodating towards me.

  Thanks, everyone.

  DR
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  garybuss

  You wrote: "Who else has trouble making friends?" I know some trouble making people, but they're not my friends.