When you started to arrive on your decision about leaving

by The wanderer 11 Replies latest jw friends

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  The wanderer

  When you started to arrive on your decision about leaving

  It happened one day sitting at a Sunday meeting, I noticed so many in-
  dividuals reading the answer directly out of the Watchtower magazine
  and my thoughts were " Does anyone in this place have any imag-
  ination to create their own thoughts regarding a question"?

  Leaving Intellectually

  As formerly stated, my questions started when it seemed that the
  Kingdom Hall was full of drones who could only utter the exact
  answer out of a magazine. I recall looking around the Kingdom
  Hall and saying to myself "I don't belong here." My leaving intellect-
  ually was the beginning of my descend out of the organization.

  Leaving Emotionally

  This was the hard part, leaving emotionally. My thoughts were " you traitor
  your leaving God's organization." "You will be destroyed at Armageddon."
  "You have turned you back on the true God, Jehovah." and other similar
  thoughts.

  Questions for the Audience

  1.) When you arrived at your personal crossroad to leave was that based on
  emotions, intellect or some other factor?

  2.) Was your leaving the organization a slow steady breaking away or a quick
  affair?

  3.) What string of emotions did you carry before you made the final step?

  Please add your insight to this discussion to help yourself and others.

  Respectfully,

  The Wanderer
• 

  inbyathread

  Shortly after the release of the "Respect Authority" Video. We started seeing the congregation being treated as children by the elders and they not allowing any questioning of their authority. If we questioned them we were questioning Jehovah. It went downhill from there.
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  done4good

  Wanderer,

  I agree that the way people answered right out of the publications always bothered me. What even bothered me more was the actual "encouragement" to put the answers from the paragraph into "your own words..." Basically, repeat the paragraph, just word it differently.

  To answer your question, I put up with this kind of stuff, (and many others things that concerned me),for more years than I care to admit. Unfortunately, I didn't have the presence of mind to leave because of them. It took some hard life lessons to make me actually leave. However, when I fianlly did leave, it did not take me long to come to some very absolute conslusions about the organzation, and then leaving for good.

  j
• 

  ithinkisee

  When you started to arrive on your decision about leaving

  It happened at an assembly when I began noticing the pattern of saying that we are all miserable evil sinful humans. It was a gut feeling that I had stumbled across a pattern of manipulation. Shortly after that we got an article essentially banning yoga. I remember thinking to myself this was ridiculous because I felt it was because they just didn't want anyone to feel good about themselves. Freedomlover was visibly pissed about it too, but kept quiet about it. Shortly after that I learned that hypnotism was not an opening for demons as I was raised to believe, but was the same state that we go into every night right as we fall asleep.

  Leaving Intellectually

  Similar to above, but it also involved being schooled by some Born again Christians on things like the original Greek and then some historical stuff about the cross the Society conveniently left out of their literature. (No, I don't consider myself Christian anymore.) Then the 607 stuff and the tons of misquotes they use on many other topics pretty much sealed the deal.

  Leaving Emotionally

  I believe being a witness either causes you to become either (a) hyper-emotional or (b) completely unemotional. And the ones that become unemotional usually do because they are actually hyper-emotional as well but become skilled at masking it. I have a feeling that's probably me. So I have been able to walk away from the whole social structure and JW family members with my chin up for the most part. The friends was easy because I became aware of superficial social structure way before I started doubting. And having been all over the country I knew that it was not unique to our congregation.

  The family stuff is a little harder. Sometimes now I tend to lump them in with the superficial friends to make it easier mentally ... but I know I probably won't be able to forever.

  Questions for the Audience

  1.) When you arrived at your personal crossroad to leave was that based on emotions, intellect or some other factor?

  A little of everything.

  2.) Was your leaving the organization a slow steady breaking away or a quick affair?

  Mentally quick. Physically slow but worth it.

  3.) What string of emotions did you carry before you made the final step?

  Some guilt of leaving family behind that I love. Some of the labels they like to slap on you hurt a bit, about being a faultfinder and arrogant and selfish and so forth. Even though I have not given many of them the opportunity to tell me, I know they think it.

  Good thread. I hope more people post their thoughts.

  -ithinkisee
• 

  Sunspot

  1.) When you arrived at your personal crossroad to leave was that based on
  emotions, intellect or some other factor?

  2.) Was your leaving the organization a slow steady breaking away or a quick
  affair?

  3.) What string of emotions did you carry before you made the final step?

  1) It began when I was disabled due to two illnesses and on crutches or in the wheelchair for many long and painful months.....and after a couple of months....the only calls I got were from the brother who wanted my field service time...once a month. I live in a village where the main road goes right past my home where many in the congregation had to PASS my place to get to the KH or the bookstudy, three houses away.

  Everyone, apparently was "too busy" to see if I was breathing or to see if I could use some help with an 11 year old handicapped (autistic) child who needed constant supervision, while he was home on summer vacation. I made excuses for them in my head and to my husband when he would ask....but I seriously wondered about the "identifying mark of love" that "we" were supposed to have. We had gotten a computer....I had found a forum kind of like this one and I began to learn a LOT about the religion I had dedicated myself to for 30 years!

  2) It would seem to others that my leaving was quick, but I had been peeking at "those websites" forbidden by the WTS when certain things were brought to my attention as I tried to defend my faith. The proof was all there....and then some. It took me the better part of a year to realize I'd been "had" and that I could not continue to BE a JW or to teach what they believe.

  3) My first emotion was quite physical---I felt as if I had been kicked in the stomach by a horse and I felt nauseous most of the time whenever I'd try and figure out what I would DO with my newfound knowledge and what I would do with the rest of my life for that matter. At that point, I had not even told my husband what I had discovered. I cried a lot. I was sad, angry and felt so totally deliberately betrayed. I don't cry about it any more....but I still feel sad, angry and feel totally deliberately betrayed by the men who run the WTS.

  It was one hell of a year. It isn't easy to begin back at square one when you thought you had all the answers. It pretty much messed up my whole life.

  Annie.....sadder but wiser and hoping to be able to help others BEFORE they get messed up by the WTS.
• 

  OnTheWayOut

  Like done4good, I put up with things I saw for many years. I thought I had the actual ONE TRUE RELIGION.
  All the things I saw (people unable to think for themselves, teens deprived of a fairly normal lifestyle)
  must have been human shortcomings. I was totally assimilated. Then that change in 1995 came for
  THIS GENERATION. This threw my mindset out of whack. Still, I accepted the change, promising to look into
  it later. Maybe 5 yrs later, my mother told me about 1975, again promised to look into it. Over the last 5 yrs,
  I really did look at these things hard.

  After tons of research on those and related doctrines, I decided this past summer (early June 2006) that I
  definitely did not have the truth. I had avoided apostate doctrine, but would now take a look. I found freeminds.org
  and learned so much so fast. I got Ray Franz' book from the library and devoured it.

  Emotions kept my tied to JW's for years. Intellect allowed me to leave. Once I made my decision, I was very
  upset at how I may have contributed to the elders process in meetings and judicial committees, I felt terrible for
  any people I tried to help along the way to become JW's. I understand that it was the evil Borg that had a hold
  on me, but I should have seen it in the beginning. I thought I asked the right questions and truly examined this
  religionpublishing company.

  My breaking away is very slow by my standards, but would seem fast to the JW who thought all was fine for all those
  years.
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  BabaYaga

  Honestly? It is still too painful to post in full.
  
  For over 15 years I excused the organization and the horribly wrong and sometimes death-dealing advice or decrees of the elders. I have lost many, many dear loved ones in death because of this organization. Do you think they only kill people with the blood issue? Think again. I have had loved ones die because they were told to go back to abusive husbands (the elders read scriptures telling her how to be a better wife, well, now she is dead.) I have had a loved one die because he seriously needed psychiatric care which was a big no-no and he took his own life. Then there was the one who, after pioneering for decades, found herself in such great physical pain she found herself drinking too much in addition to the prescribed meds... she was disfellowshipped and she died with no friends or family... of course she had no friends, she wasn't allowed to have friends all of those years of being such a faithful slave. Her beloved only son refused to speak to her. Yes. This is the love of the WTBTS.
  
  I hate the cliche of WWJD ("what would Jesus do?") but I guarantee you that Jesus would not have done a damn thing to destroy families and lives such as this deadly organization does every day.
  
  Cheers to all... and thanks be that we have found the TRUTH at LAST.
• 

  purplesofa

  When you started to arrive on your decision about leaving

  It happened one day sitting at a Sunday meeting, I noticed so many in-
  dividuals reading the answer directly out of the Watchtower magazine
  and my thoughts were " Does anyone in this place have any imag-
  ination to create their own thoughts regarding a question"?

  It began to feel like a waste of time. Boring and mundane. I was busting my butt, walking away from my children with bible in hand and feeling more miserable with each passing meeting. I started to get to know some of the people better and realised if you just go to the meetings so much behaviour is overlooked.

  Leaving Intellectually

  As formerly stated, my questions started when it seemed that the
  Kingdom Hall was full of drones who could only utter the exact
  answer out of a magazine. I recall looking around the Kingdom
  Hall and saying to myself "I don't belong here." My leaving intellect-
  ually was the beginning of my descend out of the organization.

  I looked around the hall and thought If I have to be in paradise with these people I don't want to be there. I felt like GOD would not hold it against me for taking care of things at home. I was grateful for all the information I recieved to become a better person. But I did not have to be reminded over and over and over and over some of the rediculous things we heard over and over and over. I did not feel effective in helping anyone whatsoever by meeting attendance. I knew I would never do anything but plant seeds in peoples minds out in field service. I never felt like I fit in and after awhile I did not care. Given my background and circumstances I was never going to be married to an elder, CO or DO or Bethelite. After awhile, I decided I never even wanted to be married to a brother. I did not have time to pioneer or socialize much. When I did it was with the same people ACTING like we were really getting a kick out of whatever we were doing.

  Leaving Emotionally

  This was the hard part, leaving emotionally. My thoughts were " you traitor
  your leaving God's organization." "You will be destroyed at Armageddon."
  "You have turned you back on the true God, Jehovah." and other similar
  thoughts.

  I felt like I was being disloyal to all my friends that I loved and helped me through the years. I did not feel like I had the right heart condition and I was not acceptable or good enough for GOD. I did not have the right mindset to live like everyone else and could not make the adjustments. I did not agree with all the conformity so I felt like a rebellious .....and as my mother says..........You have always been a non-conformist.

  Questions for the Audience

  1.) When you arrived at your personal crossroad to leave was that based on
  emotions, intellect or some other factor?

  2.) Was your leaving the organization a slow steady breaking away or a quick
  affair?

  3.) What string of emotions did you carry before you made the final step?
• 

  PandaPet

  My decision started emotionally. I had been molested, not by anyone in the JW's, but by a step-relative. I had a great amount of emotional trauma from an early age ( if you have BabaYaga's reply, my mother is the woman who died from returning to her abusive husband, on the elders instruction) and was experienced in blocking things from my memories, so I blocked out the molestation. Years later I was engaged to be married and the memories came back. The elders met with me to council me on proper behavior for engaged persons and I spoke to them about the molestation. Their response was a non-response, I was told, in a nutshell, that I needed to get over it and concentrate on being the faithful pioneer I was supposed to be. I was eighteen. The foundation of trust that the elders and the congregation would be there for me when I needed it was gone. I began missing meetings and stopped going into service.

  I didn't admit to myself that I was leaving. I always thought I would deal with my issues and return a whole person. I became a whole person but I never returned and I now know that I won't. I am considered inactive, I will accept that terminology so that my family still inside the organization will not have to make the difficult choice between our family love and their slavish devotion. My family has been divided enough by the dictates of the WTBTS.

  I was very young, about 2 years old, when my mother died. I was not told about the true circumstances of her death until I had left the WTBTS and asked the right question to the right person (BabaYaga). It was illuminating and only reinforced my decision to remain outside their "brotherly love."
• 

  crazyblondeb

  1.) When you arrived at your personal crossroad to leave was that based on emotions, intellect or some other factor?

  I guess all the above. Every time I got in trouble at home (I was a teenager), my parents called the elders, and a meeting followed. For many years my stepdad, who was a MS molested me. I would have to set my alarm and get up during the middle of the night to take a bath. Otherwise, he would watch me thru a window that was high up in the bathroom, but was right on the outside deck. Whenever I could, I'd put my sisters in bed with me. I can still smell the whiskey he'd drink. Right now, I feel dirty just thinking about it.

  Homelife was a joke. My mom was so depressed, I raised my sisters and brother till I left home. After I found out my real dad in Texas wanted me, I ran away from home. I snapped after finding out there was to be another elder's meeting that night. I got ratted on for riding around with a boy from school. I parked my parent's car at the Kingdom Hall, with a note, and never looked back.

  A couple years later I missed my siblings so much, I got reinstated. By then I had had my baby. My stepdad had tried messing with me again. Only a couple months after my reinstatement I was at a meeting. Kelli was fussing. Everyone looked at me like I should go spank her. I don't think so!! I remember the exact moment when I knew I wasn't going to raise my child like that. Was df'd again!

  2.) Was your leaving the organization a slow steady breaking away or a quick affair?

  Ran as fast as I could. Both times.

  3.) What string of emotions did you carry before you made the final step?

  Before I left, I felt nothing. I had pretty well shut dowm emotionally because of the sexual abuse. The guilt of leaving my siblings came later. My stepmom used to tell me they would find their way out in time. Several years ago, my little brother finally broke away. After I knew he was out, there was a weight lifted. It does scare me that I can be so emotionally detached, still.

  I still am healing. I thought I had gotten over what my stepdad did to me. It's hard to believe I still carry that baggage around years later. But this site, and all you here have done more for me in the last year, than all the doctors and therapists have in years. Making myself share is important. I pray it helps someone else, too.