Hi Everyone!
I've been on here nearly 5-6 years (as you can see by my profile) but hardly ever post. For years I was satisfied with reading your stories and commenting occasionally, all the while telling myself that I was still a Dub and would never change. At the beginning, I was really just curious and also wandering if people out there grew up like I did (in an orwellian hell), and had experienced what I had experienced. So I read and I read on here, at first once a week, then every day. I still read on here every day except weekends, when I ignore computers totally. I would have to say that this year really was a turning point for me. Everything hit me like a ton of bricks. That's not to say that other things haven't in my life, but I think this year I came out of my state of denial. The realization hit me that I am no longer a JW - in the Org. - that I now knew more than my parents ever did about this organization, and that if they knew what I did they would NEVER have become JW's to begin with. I think it really started in 1999, when my father died and no one in the "loving Brotherhood" seemed to give a shit. We all could have died in a plane crash and no one would have missed us. The only counseling given to my mother while he was dying was to attend meetings more and go out in more field service. No real physical or emotional support. It was sickening, and awaked my own mother to the hypocrisy of the Org. This year though I have been through a range of emotions, starting with when I viewed the video, "Witnesses of Jehovah". I had never seen everything major put into a one hour video like that. I was literally sick while watching it. I was half way through "Crisis of Conscience" at the time, and have since finished it. I'm now going to read "In Search of Christian Freedom." I have easy access to these books, as my mother bought both of them last year. (to my suprise and astonishment)
Lately, I consistently seem to have the same range of emotions bottled up in me. Those being: great disappointment, anger at being lied to about doctrinal issues, frustration at the lack of ANY attention showed to my mother or my own family, and last but not least, an IMMENSE sense of just being conned for almost my entire life. I also have an immense sense of loss at what I missed growing up, and my mind constantly wanders back to what could have been. I think the disappointment is tied directly into that - a sense of being conned and duped for so long. I especially feel this way when I hear about how Bethel is nothing more than a company with brainwashed zombie volunteers there. This also generates anger in me whenever I see any JW's I used to know, whether I want it or not. I also feel a huge sense of loss at not finishing college or taking the college prep classes throughout high school, even though I had nearly a 4.0 all the time. The Big A was always just around the corner, so I was always talked out of looking forward to anything education related. Gee, no one ever talked to me about the consequences of NOT being educated. I guess I should have seen it though, as most of the people in the congregations were janitors, unskilled laborers, or just dirt poor. All except the Elders that owned the businesses though; they drove Cadillacs and Town Cars. I can't believe how dupped I was.
I told my spouse just a few months ago that I was out. She being "worldy" of course knows nothing of the pain I'm in because she has never experienced anything like this. I nearly cried though while telling her, and admitted I probably need some sort of therapy. But what? With whom? I can't seem to find any cult support groups in my area either. I think that would help immensely.
I now have a young son. He is soon 3. It is now October. For the first 2 years of his life I have allowed nothing but his Birthday. This year, I'm allowing him to dress up as SpiderMan and participate in his daycare parade and class party. I thought I'd let him have some fun. Thanksgiving has always been alot of something made about nothing in the JW world, even my family thought so, so basically I've always been participating in that. I still don't know how to feel about Christmas or Easter. Let my in-laws give him things, or not? Let them give me things, or not? Do I give them things? I have not told them yet of my mentally leaving this relgion. I have not told my mentally out mother yet either, for fear of her JW programming possibly kicking in, although she had once said to raise him both ways and let him decide later in life what he wanted to do. Every function in life is a guilt trip for me right now. Guilt for questioning, guilt for showing my mother all of these sites on the internet, guilt because that started her down the path to her exit, guilt for not knowing how to raise my own son, guilt for the what if I'm wrong scenario, guilt for not going to the 2006 Memorial, guilt for denying Christ so long, guilt for even having these feelings. What a mess!
I have tried to go to other Churches, but the guilt is immense, probably from the constant brainwashing since birth. My wife has suggested a Unitarian church at first, but I just haven't gotten to one yet. I'm interested in Seventh Day Adventists, but again haven't gotten to one yet. What can I say? It was a busy summer. This whole new tract campaign has just about given me a panic attack when I saw the tract on here. I mean really, the apocalyptic images from the "Revelation: It's Grand Climax at Hand" book condensed into a little tract that is only going to piss everyone off at you if they read it? I mean where is the message of love and hope? Gone. The images are just like the Revelation book, and it is so scary looking that any sane person will automatically think you are a cultist nutcase and immediately want to get away from you. And somehow, they think this will kick start the Great Tribulation and make Christendom mad at them? I think the rest of the world has more important things to worry about. What a condescending, elitist attitude they have - that I used to have. So much for humility.
Anyway, this is my brief story up to today. If I had to sum it up, I'd have to say this has been one hell of a year for me. In closing, I'd like to take this time to thank some regular posters on here that make me smile on a regular basis. They include but are not limited to: Crumpet , Drew, Mulan, Blondie, DannyHazard, Butters, RichieRich, & SickofLies, oh and Brook I think. I think some of them may be irregular now, but I hope they return soon. Since I don't really post on here often, thoughts, opinions, or just plain help are appreciated.
Thanks,
Wing Commander