anyone else ever feel like this??

lydia

I've been mulling over this and I'm finding that its common with several of my extended family who were raised in the org. - seems that the feeling of never doing enough for the org.( to obtain a place in the "New System" ) has spilled over into other areas of our lives. We don't feel we are good enough for other things..like being a parent, cooking, being in a relationship..ect. One of my dearest freinds recently stated she felt she didn't even deserve to live.
Any one else having this problem?? now or in the past?? The three of us are working hard to get over this.
Thanks for all your help!

Esmeralda

Hi Lydia,

Yes, I and just about every woman in my family, or friend I ever had in the Borg suffered from this. I think it's a fall out from trying to 'put on the new personality' for so long that you can't believe you could ever be good enough for anything, or anyone.

It does go away. It takes time, and everyone goes at their own speed. I highly recommend books by Dr. Phil McGraw, Cheryl Richardson and Iyanla Vanzant. I also HIGHLY recommend a book called The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. These books helped, along with a LOT of reassurance from my second (non witness) husband, helped to heal my heart and start rebuilding my self esteem.

I wish you luck with this, it's a hard thing to beat.

*hugs*
essie

"Though you may disappear,
you're not forgotten here,
and I will say to you,
I will do what I can do."
~Peter Gabriel

Seeker

Lydia,

My first reaction was that this was more of a psychological issue, but then I re-read your comment and saw that you are talking about people who grew up in the organization. In that case, your formative childhood years were spent being told that you aren't doing enough, etc. Basically, this was a form of emotional child abuse on a certain level, and it's very understandable why you would have these feelings. They were, after all, instilled in you from birth onward.

This is not a universal feeling among ex-JWs, though it's probably fairly common. So a lot depends on the person's individual personality. If you find that this is causing serious problems in life, a form of therapy would probably be the most helpful. A cheaper, if less effective, approach would be talk therapy -- here! You can find others who share this background, and see you are not alone, and also don't deserve to feel this way. You can do enough.

Ranchette

Lydia,
Yes, I remember those feelings very clearly. As Seeker pointed out, these feelings were especially strong in those of us who were raised as witnesses. However these feelings could happen to newer JWs too. As you stated those feelings can creep into every area of your life. It’s really not a surprise when you start realizing how many unreasonable expectations were placed on us along with tons of guilt trips via parents, meetings and literature.
JWs are told they are the happiest people on the earth. And when you aren’t as they describe it makes you think there must be something wrong with you.
Before I quit going to meetings I started realizing that it was not me who had the problem. First I quit reading articles that were nothing but huge guilt trips. I started feeling some relief. Later when I completely quit feeding myself all their negative self degrading literature and quit going to all meetings I found even more peace and inner contentment .I now can be a happy person and a good wife and mother. I now am able to commit myself to those I love the most. I no longer feel like God disapproves of me.
I want others to be free of those feelings too. You don’t have to feel that way about yourself. Before this I felt tired, trapped and hopeless because there was just no way I could live up. It doesn’t have to be this way.
Ranchette

Mommie Dark

I've noticed that those who believed most sincerely are the ones who internalized all the guilt trips the most. Folks who were indoctrinated from childhood often had those feelings of unworthiness instilled deep into their hearts. The Society encourages that.

I recall a JW missionary saying during a Bible study, "We're all just human garbage and isn't Jehovah good to tolerate us anyway?" And we all nodded and said 'oh yes thank you Jehovah' like a bunch of brainless puppets.

I know that I personally had all ambition and self-esteem knocked out of me by the time I was ten years old. I still struggle with the need to delete delete delete myself and my secret desires; this hideous 'gift' was given to me in the name of love by people who claimed to want the best for me.

Of course all that guilt was ladled right into my heart with the Scriptural spoon, so if there is blame to be assigned, Biblegawd gets his share as well as the WT.

Englishman

Lydia, OK, I know it's a bit of a girlie book, but have you read Louise Hays book entitled "You can heal your life"?

She talks a lot about feelings such as these. One classic line is: "You've been beating yourself up for years, and it hasn't worked yet, has it? Lets try another way."

Well worth reading.

Englishman.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be....

Cassandra

Hi Lydia
I was brought up in the troof and so were my five sisters and yes we all feel the same way that you do. We have all struggled with the need to be involved with people who "need us" so that we feel worthy of being alive at all. I dont think I really understood what a witness upbringing did to you until I saw what it is doing to my daughter. She is 14yrs old and is having some adolescent problems. I have not associated with the cong for almost a year now but my husband is still an active witness. Last week when my daughter misbehaved we talked and agreed on grounding and suitable punishments and she took it all very well. then the next day he pulled out the October 1 watchtower about "how to help a prodigal child" and said he wanted to study it with her. When she read the paragraphs that were marked with an asterix she started to cry and I wanted to cry too. Because she is growing up just the way I did where, guilt and shame will always be the motivational forces that shape who you believe you are, and without some significant "other" other approval it is hard to believe you have any value at all.
Love Cassandra

wheelwithinwheel

Your feelings bring to mind all the « wonderful, encouraging » C.O. visits. After their talks explaining how pretty much everyone wasn’t doing enough and could be doing much more, numerous brothers and sisters found themselves more depressed after the « upbuilding » visit than before it. A few weeks ago, I was « officially » invited to the our C.O.’s visit, but declined his invite. Apparently during his talk, he asked all the older (in service) J-dubs to raise their hand - they did - He said sternly « I’m talking to you tonight», then he went into a guilt trip talk of how bad examples by the older ones was causing thousands to fall away. Glad I declined to go...I might have felt guilty (ha...ha).

Last week a younger brother both in age and J-dub service time phoned me and asked to know why I wasn’t going to the hall any more. I answered carefully slipping in a few points. Then he blurted out ... « Do you have Internet service, you wouldn’t believe what I’ve found out about the origin etc. of the J-dubs. If it’s true we’re in a false religion» . He mentioned several sites he had consulted and told me he was going on a trip to New York to talk to the Society directly. I suggested caution.

Funny for once I don’t feel guilty in the least.

« get off the treadmill and watch - you won’t feel guilty anymore »

MrMoe

Some research for you:

Inferiority complex

The term "inferiority complex" was coined by a French psychologist in the 1920's Alfred Adler, a former follower of Sigmund Freud that became disenchanted Freud's therioies on the influence of unconscious factors as motivators in human behavior. According to Adler, all humans experience feelings of inferiority as children and spend the rest of their lives trying to compensate for those feelings.

As people move into adulthood, these feelings persist in varying intensity in different people. For some people, it serves as a positive motivating factor. Some, however, become dominated and crippled by an overwhelming sense of inadequacy. These people, whose thoughts are so overtaken with these feelings and interfering with normal daily life are said to have an inferiority complex.

http://www.findarticles.com/cf_dls/g2699/0001/2699000180/p1/article.jhtml

Also~~~

Symptoms: Avoidant Personality Disorder

This disorder is characterized by a long-standing and complex pattern of feelings of inadequacy, extreme sensitivity to what other people think about them, and social inhibition. It typically manifests itself by early adulthood and includes a majority of the following symptoms:

Avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact, because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection.

Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked.

Shows restraint within intimate relationships because of the fear of being shamed.

Preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations .

Inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy.

Views self as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others.

Is unusually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing.
http://mentalhelp.net/disorders/sx8.htm

~~~~~~

OK all - if you have any of these problems - which I assume many do, it may be time to seek professional help depending on the degree of this situation's effect on your life and loved ones. It is not something to take lightly. As you can see, many JW's rasied in it as children could suffer from such problems.

lydia

I am so very grateful that we are not alone in this. Thank you all for your input and I apreciate your respoces, as do my 2 sisters. we will continue to work on overcoming these feelings, as many of us have been forced to do. Amazing isn't it that the orginization that claims to be so very loving is so very destructive!!

Thank you also MrMoe for the research - it was very informative!, and Englishman - I will get that book to read too!

anyone else ever feel like this??

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