Impossible situation! Can it ever work?

by smily 24 Replies latest jw friends

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  My MILs worst nightmare, a nonJW

  Ok so we are doomed!!! Does that give me the right to give up so easily?

  Yes

  If he is dating me and risking all perhaps he has doubt? of course we are doomed anyway...but at least I can live knowing I tried......

  He is not risking a thing. Absolutely nothing. You on the other hand are risking everything.

  You seem to view love in a romantic fashion i.e. love conquers all, love will find a way....I am romantic, but I also have lived long enough to know that love is.....well it feels good and it makes you do crazy things and feel crazy thoughts, which is cool no doubt.

  Remember the movie Titanic.....well they were in love right? Yea and look what happened to him. Romeo and Juliet....look what happened to them. Love conquers nothing, except maybe our logic

  You are attempting to start a relationship, and look at the shadow the JW's religion is already casting on the situation. This is a big clue. Don't drink the poison.
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  exjdub

  If he is dating me and risking all perhaps he has doubt? of course we are doomed anyway...but at least I can live knowing I tried......

  Actually, smiley, he is not risking anything if you look at his actions objectively. I believe you said he has been reinstated, so he is back in the fold. Also, you mentioned that you were under a lot of pressure...that is...until you agreed to look at the publications, then the pressure lifted. So, ask yourself, what is he risking? He is most certainly getting pressure from both his family and the congregation about dating a "Worldly Person" and what he did was put pressure on you to change, rather than tell his family and the congregation to mind their business. So all he has done is convinced you to compromise your position concerning the JW's, thereby getting the pressure off of HIS back. He sacraficed you to relieve his pressure. What has he risked? As long as he can report back that you are looking into things, and better yet, "studying", he has not risked a thing. Everyone will sit back and rejoice that you are interested in the "Truth". If you look into the JW's and decide that it is not for you, you quite likely will see a different side to your boyfriend.

  Now, if your JW man told everyone to mind their business because he loves you as you are and he does not expect you to change your beliefs, he is then risking something. If he ever stated that to his family and to the congregation he would then be under a lot of pressure to break up with you.

  I agree with the comments that if you are interested in looking into things because you want to look into them for yourself, then you should. However that is not what you have said. I completely understand that you want to try and save the relationship by looking into the JW's...just please understand that your relationship, and you, would be better off taking a stand now, rather than looking into things and then rejecting the JW beliefs. Once you reject it will be a whole new ballgame. I wish you the best as you go through this difficult time. These things are never easy.

  exjdub
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  jgnat

  exjdub: Now, if your JW man told everyone to mind their business because he loves you as you are and he does not expect you to change your beliefs, he is then risking something. If he ever stated that to his family and to the congregation he would then be under a lot of pressure to break up with you.

  Exactly. My JW man has endured years of snubs and rejection by (sort of) boldly declaring his love and marrying me anyways. The congregation NEVER had control over our relationship. This gives me some security in our relationship, because I know he will stand up for me when it counts.

  smiley, you remind me of a determined puzzler trying to jam in a piece in that does not fit. Even if you succeed with that one peice, how about the rest of the puzzle? You want him to be noble in love as you are, but I don't see any signs from him that he is. Do you think if you lay yourself on the altar of love, he will be so moved to sacrifice himself also? People don't work that way. People learn to give generously by being forced to.

  I'll give you an example. Young parents THINK they know about self-sacrifice and patience. But then they have a few nights with a squalling baby, totally dependent, demanding attention every two hours through the longest nights of their lives. I'm convinced this experience changes people. Parents have a higher degree of patience and self-sacrifice afterwards.

  I think you need to demand equal footing in this relationship. He has to stand up for your difference in front of his relatives and friends, even if their esteem for him drops. Now THAT would be a sign of noble love. For you.
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  exjdub

  smiley, you remind me of a determined puzzler trying to jam in a piece in that does not fit. Even if you succeed with that one peice, how about the rest of the puzzle? You want him to be noble in love as you are, but I don't see any signs from him that he is. Do you think if you lay yourself on the altar of love, he will be so moved to sacrifice himself also? People don't work that way. People learn to give generously by being forced to.

  Great illustration jgnat! We are giving you a "G" on illustrations and will move you on to "effective use of gestures".

  People learn to give generously by being forced to.

  Very powerful statement and a fine window into human behaviour.

  You want him to be noble in love as you are

  That is the key, and very well put again...

  smiley, you are, as jgnat put it, noble in love. You are trying to save the relationship by looking into the publications. JW boyfriend is willing to do...well...nothing yet, except put pressure on you and the relationship by requesting something that is not what you really want to do. As an experiment, why don't you tell your boyfriend that you are not comfortable looking at the publications at this time? You can always change your mind, if you really want to, and all will be forgiven. But put the relationship to a brief test and see what his reaction is...that will be a true test of his love for you and will give him the chance to be noble in love. If it blows up and you still want to investigate the JW's, have at it. At least you will know where you stand on the totem pole. If he supports you in your desire to be yourself, and does so over a period of time without putting any pressure on you...well...I think you will have yourself a keeper. Through all of this aren't you just a little curious where you stand in the relationship?

  exjdub
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  exjdub

  smiley,

  Not to beat a dead horse, but take a look at this thread if you want a window into the JW world when a JW/Non JW relationship collapses. If you think that it is an exaggeration, it is not I assure you.

  http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/7/124531/1.ashx

  exjdub