Learning to Find Friends as an ex-JW
I wrote this essay because of what I have observed and experienced in the way of disappointment and reward in the relationships and freinds I have made online.
I can relate to how you some x-JWs feel about leaving online discussion boards. Several years ago I had several JWD "friends" turn on me and publicly use me to vent their own frustrations against JW Elders ... there was no justification for such treatment. I left the board feeling rather ill. I eventually returned about a month later and found a better niche than before, and realigned my set of online friends. Since that time, I have reached a point where I post when I feel like it, and don't post when I am not in the mood. I have learned to ignore what people do and say ... and found that the negative posts only last a day or so, and then fade into history to be forgotten. But in this experience, I have learned not to close doors to myself, but to keep all options open. Why not take a break and then come back? I have learned that friendship is built upon more than getting to know someone in writing online, though it can happen. Rather, it requires years of experience, most often getting to meet face to face, and sharing in other things besides ex-JW issues. I considered many here online, on JWD, as friends ... but, over time, that number has become smaller.
In our JW lives we tended to bond easily with new JWs or with those who moved into our congregations. This rapid bonding has many psychological factors of which I am not qualified to dissect. But from experience, I can guess that some of it has to do with denial of misery that ends up loving its own company. Rapid bonding is not bad in itself, but is very limited and most often cannot not withstand the strains that normal friendships go through. This is why it is so easy for our JW "friends" to let us go at the first sign of toruble. They were never really "friends" in the first place.
When we join ex-JW boards, we carry with us the same bonding tools, and can get hurt easily when rebuffed by those we thought were friends. The trick is to learn how to reassess the kind of relationships we have online, and see each one for what it truly is. This is a powerful lesson in our transition from being JWs to ex-JWs and then to normal people who are well adjusted back into society. It is no light matter, because our social structures of family, friends, acquaintances, business associates, etc. are important to each of us and how we identify ourselves and where we fit into society at large.
One example: Because the JWs are so focused on a central Theocratic government as the solution to everything including the common cold, when I left the JWs, I came to have a strong distaste for government. So, I ran around proclaiming the virtues of limited government thinking that any ex-JW would sympathize and agree with me. I was very surprised at the fact that most ex-JWs lean politically toward government solutions, and many of these found my expressions very distasteful. The horror of this is not that I held a minority view, but that people I viewed as good ex-JW "friends" turned on me at the drop of a hat when we got into political discussions. They did not see my sense of humor and fun-styled sarcasm in political debate. And once the "perception" phase took over, any sense of friendship was lost. And from time to time, I get knocked in the head by this issue even though I have stopped discussing political issues for well over a year.
Rejecting the artificial JW environment: It is not that I do not care any longer ... but, simply put, I have finally learned to put things in perspective and realized that many who I like, and feel a sense of friendship, are not really "friends" in the brotherly-sisterly sense. They are really nice acquaintances who can become good friends if circumstances ever permit building beyond ex-JW issues. I respect many, and value their opinions and excellent posts, but I no longer confuse respect with friendship. Respect is but one component of friendship. I enjoy strong intellectual exchanges with some, but shared intelligence is not a necessary ingredient for friendship. I have found some posters to be very witty, clever, well informed, good thinkers, educated, challenging, charming, and fun, but all of these qualities are not the basis of a friendship. Even our common bond as ex-JWs must never be enough to say we are friends. As JWs these things were all that were necessary to find an almost instant bonding ... but as normal people outside the artificial JW environment, we are eventually forced to learn that friendship can never be based on anything mentioned thus far.
Genuine friendship must have the ability to survive diffidulties. Love is the foundation stone and mortar that binds people.Building such love requires years of various experiences with someone - mostly good, and some not so good. Once constructed it is not easily ripped apart by one or even several misunderstandings. It is disappointing to finally find out how many "friends" I actually did not have. But, on the other hand, I take great pride in discovering so many people in one place that I can get along with most of the time, sharing in things that can lead to deep and abiding friendships, and yet only know them a little from an online exchange. It is, in a sense, a miracle all to itself to have a discussion board like this one.
Learning to enjoy being disliked: I was always one who felt that I had to find a way to at least get everyone to like me, whether or not they are "friends." Englishman helped me to learn to accept that there are some people who simply dislike me for me, and that we need such people in our lives to give contrast to those who are truly friends. I consider Englishman a good and wise person. There are also people who dislike us based on their own perceptions, but when they do this, especially online, they fail to understand that much of what they perceive is based on their own mind reconstructing emotions and imputing mannerisms on top of the words we have written ... and they fail to understand that such imputing may be mostly or wholly inappropriate, unfair, and unkind. While we all do that from time to time, failure to ever recognize this tendency over the long-haul tells us that such people are never going to be healthy friends anyway. Let them go, and move on.
At age 55, I am finally, at last, at a good place in my life. The friends I have are good friends whom I love like brothers and sisters. I have many more very good acquaintences, many of these are here on line, on JWD. I am grateful for all of them ... and I am grateful for those that proved not to be friends or even enemies, because I know where I stand with them, and I can spend my valueable time elsewhere with those whom I get along.
My best freind: I met Ken when he and I were 5-years old in 1956. In the first week we got into a fist fight and I beat the soxs off of him. Yet, we made up and played cars, cowboys and indians, cops and robbers, and American vs Nazis. We went camping, swimming, and trick-or-treating together. We went hiking, enjoyed movies and argued about politics and religion. He was a Baptist and I was a Catholic. He was a Conservative Democrat who loved Nixon and I was a Liberal Democrat who loved Kennedy. We are both mean-spirited Republicans now - just kidding about the mean-spirited part. We talked about girls and sex and we peeked as Playboy magazines. We fought several times, vowing never to speak again. He would bite me and I would give him a black eye when we fought over who cheated at Monopoly. We stayed with one another when we were sick and watched endless hours of TV, eating popcorn, and drinking RC Cola. We belched, burped, and farted in ludricris and stupid contests. We even found a tunnel where we would have pissing contests to see who could piss the farthest and highest. We both were separated by distance when his family moved to Okalhoma just when my nother died. Then, I moved to Northern California. And we were separated by emotions when I became a JW and would not continue exchanging with him. But, after 23-years, when I walked away from the JWs, I contacted him, and our friendship continued as before. We went to Reno and gambled, watched dinner shows, and got a little bit drunk. My last trip to see Ken, we sat in a restaurant at Newport Beach in California, drinking beer, and gawking at the beautiful young ladies walking past our picture window in their revealing bikinnis. We blew smoke in each others faces, and celebrated a friendship that out lasted anything and everything that life tossed at us. We have both also quit smoking.
I am a very lucky man to have a friend for 50-years, and counting. But, what I learned from my friendship with Ken is that such bonding goes beyond religious, political and social boundaries. I called Ken recently, on the 50th anniversary of meeting one another. As we talked, we laughed our heads off and we realized that our friendship was more than just friends ... we had become brothers. That is what I call a friend.
Jim Whitney