I have an 8yr old step-daughter caught up in the madness of the JWs through unrelenting fear based brainwashing by her mother. My husband and I would like to know if anyone has been in a similar situation and is able to help us let her know that there is another more loving way of living in this world. Its frightening to see the damage my husbands ex is doing to this inocent little girls mind. Will she, as my husband is desperatly hoping, make her own decisions as to whether she stays in the cult when she is older or not? Im afraid that it will be impossible to keep her mind open when she is constantly being told we are evil. Any advice????
children of the watchtower
by kdk 20 Replies latest jw friends
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nytelecom1
yes..help keep her mind open by not using words like and "cult" and "brainwashing",
give her a crisis of conscience book when she is ready..than let her make up her own mind..
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Devilman
Your religion is a cult
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Sunbeam
Hi kdk
You haven't told us whether you are in regular contact with your stepdaughter. If you are, in my opinion the best thing that you can do to help her to see that there is a more loving way of living is simply to live it. You will thereby prove that non-JW's aren't the wicked evil-doers she has been led to believe. From my own experience, children hate to hear anything negative about those they love, so I think it is wise not to initiate any conversations about the WTS's failings. This could be construed as an attack on her mother and your comments may also be relayed back to her.
Answer any questions she raises with integrity, honesty and respect and she will learn that you will always be truthful with her. Presumably she is living with her mother so can't make any choices now anyway. When she starts asking questions, hopefully she will feel that she can bring them to you. Children are often wiser than we give them credit for - and have a highly-developed hypocrisy detector!
Just my thoughts.
Love
Sunbeam
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TheRecordCollector
Dear friend...
Please email me. [email protected]
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kdk
To Sunbeam,
Thank you for such kind words, I take them with much respect. I agree and will do my best. I must say I do keep my opinions and my resentments about my step-daughters mother between my husband and I. I only have fond words for her to hear. We do have regular contact and I will use this time to let her know through our love and attention that her father and I are always here for her and love her. Once again thank for your thoughts. kdk
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Esmeralda
Hi, kdk and welcome,
sorry you're in this situation. I am dealing with it in the reverse: it's my ex husband who is indoctrinating my young daughter. She is nearly six, and already has suffered so much from the stuff they put in her head.
I only took her to a few meetings myself, when she was an infant. By the time she was born I was already inactive and then I was df'd when she was 2 and a half.
I'll tell you what we're doing, and hope you can pick up some things that might help your little one:
We remind her constantly, that we love her unconditionally. No matter what she says, what happens, what she feels. I've told her since she was too young to talk that she can always tell Mommy anything: and she does now, believe me.
She can see through the JW facade and knows already at so young an age that she can't be 'herself' with her dad.
Recently I had her sit down with me and watch the service from the national cathedral for the WTC victims. I wanted her to see people praying, because I dont attend a church and her father has taught her that God only hears Witness prayers.
Her eyes got wider and wider as she's listening to these heartfelt prayers of people of all faiths, and I said to her "You see? This is why I don't want to be a Witness, because I refuse to believe that God doesn't hear these people who are crying out to him in pain. I know that He loves them all, not just the Witnesses."
she looked at me and said "Mom, I know they're making all that stuff up. I don't want to be a Witness at all." she was quiet for a minute then added, "I'm probably gonna die though."
Can you believe it? She's not even six and she's already worried about dying at Armageddon. Needless to say we had a long talk after that, and she felt better in the end.
The next day, out of the blue she says this:
"Mom, I just can't, you know, be myself at Dad's"
"Why not? You know your Dad loves you."
"Yeah, but he wants me to be a Witness, and I just don't like it. I don't want to go and he makes me."
"Honey remember you can always be yourself with us at home."
"Mom, when you were married with Dad, you couldn't be yourself either, could you?"
My mouth about hit the floor
"No, I couldn't."
"I'm glad you're not married with Dad then. Cause we'd both have to be like he wanted if you were. I love Justin so much." (my second husband, her step dad)
There you have it. If anyone ever doubted that JW parents do terrible damage to the psyches of their kids, I offer the previous as proof.
Sometime I'll post about the fear she has of getting disfellowshipped, even though I repeatedly tell her they can't do it unless she gets baptized first. She is sure that somehow, they'll do it and her dad won't talk to her any more.
Try dealing with that. It's something I wouldn't wish on anyone.
At the very least, please know that you're not alone in your struggle. Keep loving her the best you can, and hopefully that will win out in the end.
That's what I'm hoping for my daughter.
*hug*
Esmeralda -
LDH
KDK,
Dear, I can't believe more people didn't see this subject, I am pushing it
bttt.
Anyhow. The deprogramming is a long and tedious process. Everytime my 11 yo goes to visit her grandparents (thank God only 3-4 times per year) she comes back totally indoctrinated. They think they have to 'make hay while the sun shines' and so take her in service etc etc. Assemblies. new dresses (to try to bribe her into wearing them at the KH back here--they just hang in the closet).
She will reveal to me their untruths once at a time--usually prefaced by 'Mom, don't get mad at Grandma but I have to ask you something' or a phrase of a similar nature.
I am lucky because I have a great open channel of communication-something the WT *says* they want families to have but the reality is totally different.
I would suggest letting her know that it's good to spend time with Mom and Dad, and when she is older she'll be able to make up her mind.
I wouldn't push too hard at this age though.
You might try this: When you do see her, take her to soup kitchens and stuff to help feed the hungry. Go pick up garbage, volunteer to help out at her school.
Soon she will see the hypocrisy of selling magazines vs. caring about humanity.
Lisa
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jukief
We had a good outcome in our family. Alan's daughter was being raised by her finatical JW mother, and after all of us moved to different places (we were even out of the country for a while), we only got to see her a few times a year. We didn't say too much to her directly about the Witnesses, but there were many times our apostate friends visited (including some of those horrid Nowegians), :-) She also went with us to visit friends like Jim Penton and Richard Rawe. I know she heard a lot, and my sister was worried that hearing us and our friends put down the Witnesses would be too traumatic for her. But when she was 14 she surprised us by telling us she didn't want to be a Witness any longer and that she wanted to come live with us.
Don't give up hope. Just show her by example that you are good, decent, loving people, and as she gets older she may be able to see things for herself.
Julie
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Dogpatch
This may be helpful, found at:
http://www.freeminds.org/psych/reactiontochild.htmHow to React if your Child has
been Recruited by Jehovah's Witnessesby Andrew X
If your child has been recruited by the Jehovah's Witnesses, my advice would be to act quickly and--most of all--cautiously. Right away at the beginning of the bible lessons, the Witnesses teach new recruits to expect opposition from "the devil's" forces. So if you oppose the Witnesses' influence over your child, he is likely to consider even his own parents agents of the devil. Their recruitment techniques are thorough.
Most non-Witnesses have the belief that they should consider an important decision from all angles before making a committment, but Witnesses leave it up to their leadership to do that for them, and consider it rebellious to make their own decisions.
If your child has not yet been talked into that one, the fundamental ethic of "considering all sides of the story" may serve you well. Ask him to do so before committing, and present information that is consistent with his spiritual beliefs but disproves the organizational claims. This might include having him consider the long-term effects of becoming a Witness, which the Witnesses do not disclose to new recruits for obvious reasons. Here are some examples of the things Witnesses conceal from new recruits:
* The true intention of the Witness is to convert ("make a disciple out of and baptize") them
* They will undergo a thought-reform (brainwashing) program
* They will have to cut off ties with non-Witness friends
* They will will be discouraged from "wasting time" on (and will not be supported in making) personal growth until the New World arrives, and may therefore remain stunted
* They will have strained relations with non-Witness family members due to extreme views on holidays, etc.
* They will have to learn to become extremely judgmental and spy on their friends
* They will have to spend at least 61 hours per month
* They will be subject to shunning if they later change their mind about membership
* They will have to give over to the WTS their decision-making on what to read, what to wear, what movies to watch, what music to listen to, and even what to think
Try to arrange a meeting between your child and non-Witnesses who have lost family members to the Witnesses, so that they can look him in the eye and tell him how their relationship with their family member has changed, and how they feel about it. It is important that this should be non-Witnesses, not former Witnesses, to avoid another potential mental barrier.
There is a great dichotomy among the Witnesses: Loyalty to God vs. loyalty to the organization. Those of us who have survived the experience and are in recovery would consider these two things very different; but Witnesses are taught that loyalty to the organization IS loyalty to God, based on the premise that the organization is "spirit directed", and is God's own unique channel for distributing spiritual instruction. Out of one corner of it's mouth, the organization officially claims to be "spirit directed", but out of the other corner, it officially disclaims being inspired. Don't expect it to make sense.
So when I suggest presenting information that is consistent with his spiritual beliefs but disproves the organizational claims, I mean this: Learn what Jehovah's Witnesses teach in terms of a basic relationship with God, and support this teaching to your child to show you are on his side, and ON GOD'S SIDE, while demonstrating how the organization's claim to be "spirit directed" is merely a misguided claim by well-meaning men. Try to show him the contrast between his belief and relationship with God and his belief and relationship with the organization. Be very tactful, and use questions to make him think rather than declarations that attack the organization to avoid bringing up his defenses.
This may help you avoid being labeled as an agent of the devil, and may help your child break free of the cult without having to grapple with the no-win dilemma of "loyalty to God."
Any organization that claims to speak for God is deceptive, unless God actually reveals himself to them in some substantial way. Among Witnesses, there is a widespread myth that their governing body prays over every question, and receives regular heavenly guidance in response. This is their assumption, but is never discussed. IT IS WORTH DISCUSSING. I suggest you obtain the book "Crisis of Conscience", read it, and share excerpts with your child to expose the actual methods used by the governing body to make decisions; and it will become clear to him that there is no spirit direction upon the Witness organization as claimed.
However, be cautious in how you present such information, because Witnesses are taught to reject information from disapproved sources rather than considering an idea on it's own merits; and the author of this book, a former member of the Witnesses' governing body, was quickly and shrewdly expelled and denounced by the organization merely for speaking the truth about them.
I don't think a discussion on the bible or Christian doctrines will be helpful, because the theology can become extremely convoluted, and Witnesses are trained to answer most any question on theology. He will win that argument, and it's beside the point anyway. It is not about spiritual beliefs, it's about the right of a man-made group to pretend they speak for God in order to control followers.
Basic family love and simple reasoning will be your best tools. Especially the reasoning that unravels the errors of the organization while supporting his relationship with and beliefs about the Creator (even if they differ from yours).
I also highly recommend the book Combating Cult Mind Control, by Steven Hassan. If you read material and bring it to your child for his consideration, make sure he does not feel that the material is directly criticizing the Witnesses. Books that identify cults by their characteristics but don't mention them by name are the most helpful, because they do not bring up defensiveness.
Another idea would be to identify another cult similar to the Witnesses, and engage your child in a discussion critical of this third group. Witnesses LOVE to criticize other religions, and he may not be able to resist such a conversation. Finally, after having heard him voice his own agreement with how that OTHER religion is unacceptable (particularly on the issues of separating recruits from their families, and demanding too much of their time, and not allowing them time to think about what they've learned), show with GREAT SUBTLETY how similar that religion is to the Witnesses.
May you have success at regaining your child or at least reaching "detente" with him. Be careful not to overtly criticize, or you may make matters worse. May you have all the patience and confidence and tact you need to face this difficult situation.