children of the watchtower (page 2)

I am so sorry that you are facing such a painful (understatement)
situation with your step daughter! My words of advice
are familiar to you, however I will say them again...keep on
showing your step daughter that you love her and are
unconditionally "there" for her. By continuing to do this she will
understand, both consciously and subconsciously, that there is love and goodness beyond jw's.

Esmeralda's experiences with her daughter struck well known
chords inside of myself...I do think it was such a positive thing to
hear your daughter tell you, "Mom, when you were married with Dad
you couldn't be yourself either, could you?"

Wow!!! What a sage remark coming from your daughter who is
so young!!! I just know that her statement must have really touched
you.

When my daughter was ten I decided to divorce her father.
That is when all hell broke loose and life as I knew it
with my precious daughter, ended. And though her father and I
have joint custody, he stands in defiance of the court's joint custody mandates (fine elder that he is) and my "portion" of "joint custody" is denied. His twisted reasonings hold great sway in our daughter's life.

But, the true sadness centers around the transformation of
my daughter...I watched as he and his family and jw friends took over her thought processes and she slowly became convinced that I am
"a really bad worldy person who does not love Jehovah." (My sin? I divorced her father and had no "scriptural grounds.")

Of course, this is the nutshell version...my daughter is now fifteen years old...and she still, and adamantly, refuses to be with me. She grills me (via Instant Messages) about why it is that I don't go to meetings? And etcetera...ad nauseum...

My heart is broken. I harbor intense anger toward the "organization."
But I live with these things and through it all I never let up in letting my daughter know, if only in written form, how very very very much I love her and will always be here for her.

To kdk and Esmeralda...Thank you for opening up about what you
face with your children...I feel for you.

Undine

Esmeralda

Dear Undine,

Thank you for posting, I am so sorry that you are having such problems with your daughter. She is still so young, I can only hope that she will, in time, figure things out and return to your unconditional love...something that her JW father most certainly can not, or will not give her.

We're all in the same leaky boat...

*hugs*
es

ashitaka

i just wanted to say that reading this thread made me feel better, even if it for just one little girl's welfare. Just make her life loving and enjoyable. This is from someone who until recently (fairly) was a child. I remember it clear-if it wasn't for my mother's resonable qualities (she was a JW but had a conscience), i wouldn't be here. i would have found some way to escape.

she will see the difference; I'm sure she won't opt for unhappiness when she has a clear alternative. good luck.

ash

"I pray that I may never see the desert again-hear me God."-Robert Bolt

Undine

~Esmeralda~

Thank you for your heartening words.

Hugs back, ~¿~
Undine

roybatty

Kdk,

I have a similar experience going on right now. I was raised a JW, married one, even became an elder before I was DA’d. My wife divorced me because she considered me a spiritual threat. Anyway, sad to say our two kids, 10 and 7, were and are caught in the middle. It’s been this way for about a year and half. Here are some of the do’s and don’t’s that come to my mind when your kid(s) are being raised by one parent who is a JW and another who isn’t. Again, this is what I did.

DO
1. Get your child involved in community activities. My son plays baseball and football while my daughter plays soccer and has participated in dozens of after-school activities. I also coach their teams. By doing this, they make many non-JW’s friends. This will help get the thought process going (“Will Jehovah God really kill all of these people?”) Also, their mom won’t let them go to these activities on “meeting nights” so they already get “upset” about this. Again, they begin to learn early on how controlling the WT really is.
2. Bring them to church (if this fits in with your beliefs). We attend a local church, just an hour a week. Lots of their friends go there, so they enjoy seeing their school buddies there. We also see some of our neighbors there and people that I work with. So this will re-adjust their demented view of “Christendom” that the WT drills into their heads. We also read from a daily devotional, kind of like a daily text, each morning. Again, I’m not to turn them into “Jesus freaks” but I do want to have a religious upbringing and a proper view of religions.
3. Celebrate the holidays with them. There are certain things that are “family” activities and certain things that are “individual” choices. Celebrating the holidays is a mandatory family activity. We started last Christmas, which they kind of enjoyed but this past Independence Day was a blast (no pun intended). Again, it will straighten out their twisted view of the holidays.
4. Help them to appreciate the country they live in.
5. Help them to appreciate (in a brief way) the future and what it would be like if they decide to get baptized.
6. Tell them over and over and show them over and over that you will love them no matter what.
7. Read all kinds of books with them that inform them about great men and women throughout history. My kids have enjoyed stories about Nathan Hale, George Washington, Admiral Nelson and others. In my mind they learn to admire people who were not JWs and did things that the WT teaches against.
8. When you see JWs out in public and you’re with your kids, say “hi” to them. Again, your kids will see first hand how awful it is that JW shun people.
9. Explain to you kid(s) why you left the WT. I explained to them that I respect the fact that JW’s have a right to believe what they want, without the threat of punishment but that I also have that right.

DON’T’s
1. At this age I don’t have heavy doctrinal discussions with them. The times that I have it has back-fired because they do love their mom and they view it as an attack on her and on their JW friends.
2. Do not make fun of the WT. Again, they will defend it. If not verbally, in their mind they will. It will also reinforce in their minds what the WT teaches them an apostate is.
3. Personally, I choose not to even ask them about the meetings, field service or anything related to the WT.
4. Don’t “force” them to do things that are a personal choice. I let the kids choose for themselves things like will they say the pledge at school, do they want a birthday party or do they want to go trick or treating. But like I said above, on matters that we do as a “family” it’s different.

Anyway, just my two cents.

Mum

I left my elder husband when my daughter was 7. She was brainwashed and told how evil I was on a daily basis. I felt very powerless (although, in retrospect, I could have had much more power if I had taken it), even helpless at times. Nevertheless, I always let my daughter know that I loved her, and she knew it was unconditional love, unlike her dad's which had to be earned.

She is now 29 years old, and has had no desire to be a JW since she was in high school. She has had her problems, of course, as children do when they do not respect their parents. But she is doing very well in every way. She is getting an education, is in a stable relationship with a very nice man, and has a beautiful, intelligent 11-year-old daughter whose only knowledge of the JW's is her mom's joking threat, "Oh, so you don't like this. Okay, I'll take you to the Kingdom Hall and see how you like that!"

I recommend that you read the books "Raising a Child with a High EQ" and "Emotional Intelligence." Emotional memories are powerful. I can also recommend a book called "How to Listen so Kids will Talk and Talk so Kids will Listen." These can help you a lot! You might also seek advice from a child psychologist for help in being supportive in the best way.

Best wishes! I believe that you are on the right track. As long as the child has memories of being comfortable and accepted with you, your story should have a happy ending.

Regards,
Mum

Double Dee

kdk,

I just wanted to say that you should never give up and lose hope that your step daughter will see things clearly one day. No matter how young, children have a huge sense of justice. They pick up on all the tensions and differences so easily. My daughter, now 15, has finally stood up to her father and told him she does not want to be a witness after years of trying to please him by living 2 lives. She saw the differences in her fathers life and in mine. Your step daughter will see these things too.

I so agree with all of the other posts.....I don't know how much better I could say it. But the issue of UNconditional love is HUGE! That was the straw that broke the camels back for my daughter. Her step dad and I would remind her all the time that we love her unconditionally. This supported her when she finally told her Father that she did not want to be a witness. He basically did the whole guilt trip thing and told her that things would be different between them and that he would not see her as much. She then asked him that if like Abraham, if God told him to kill her, would he? He said yes! She told him she wanted him to just love her, unconditionally, not only if she goes to the KH> He told her that God's love for us is conditional upon our doing his will and so he is only trying to be like God!!!!!!! She knew this to be untrue as I had always reinforced that God loves all unconditionally--as seen by the fact that he sent his only son to die for "the whole world" - not just for JW's.

She still tries to please him somewhat....probably will until she is an adult anyway. Children just want to be loved. Make your home the most loving and accepting place for her and she will always see it as a warm haven and will always want to come back to you. She will be able to compare her life experiences with her father and see the contrast in what love really is.

All my love and prayers,
Dee

children of the watchtower

nytelecom1

nytelecom1

Stacey

Undine

Esmeralda

ashitaka

Undine

roybatty

Mum

Double Dee

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