It sounds as if you have had your share of trouble and problems. Amazing how anyone can go through so much and a bunch of earthly men can judge you and DF for what, your need for love and friendship perhaps, maybe to share some feelings of wanting to be loved. My story may or may not help you. I too have had a hard life. I was raised in the witnesses until age 11, my family life had been one of violence and I too was sexually molested from the age of 6-8 years old by a family member 11 years older than me, I was beaten, all but choked to death everytime I was molested, had my life threatened by my abuser , I will leave the details out, they are way to sick to mention. I was put up for adoption with my sister at age 1, my parents declined when they found out we would be separated, at age five my father who had been extremely violent held a shotgun to my head and threaten to blow my head off. I am the last of 6 kids, at age 6 I was going bald and broke out with cold sores all over my face from stress in the family, the school knew of the extreme family problems and could do nothing about it in the mid 60"s. When I eventually went for therapy at age 30 my three team of professionals and the mental hospital I committed myself to for two weeks said my case was the worse they ever heard. I remember fleeing the house and sleeping in cars, KH floors as no one would take us in even for one night. At age 11 we stopped going to all meetings and I became engrossed in drugs, sex and rock and roll. I partied hard until age 18 and returned to the witnesses, (stupid is stupid does). There I thought I would find peace and rest, got baptized, married a good JW girl who later cheated on me with my best friend at the time. I became everything a good witness is suppose to and you can read my post of what the witnesses put my family and myself through it is not pretty, there is much more but no one would believe it (it should be on dateline). Life with the witnesses was a living hell, not all but the majority, it was a real eye opener for me. I would have to say, they are the most unloving group of people I have ever met, the most condemning judgmental, the most self righteous people I know. Yes I have been through living hell in my life also. I truly know how you feel and what you have gone through. It was not easy for the longest time to deal and speak of my abuse as a child, to deal with the reality of the life of a lie with the witnesses, to deal with wasting 22 years of my life, to deal with the dishonesty of the witnesses and trying to put a smile on my face. How did I get through it?
I now put my complete faith in the Bible where it should have been all along. I read the Bible and throw it all on Jah, I have seen Him answer my prayers, I know that He is a part of my life. Do not take out on Jah for what others have put you through, I made that mistake for 2 years after I left the org. I read the Bible almost daily. I pray to Him more than ever, on personal matters, in my reading and studying, I pray for wisdom and love to fill my life. I have learned that the things seen are temporary but the things unseen are forever. There is a better life coming, where it is doesnt matter. I have prayed for peace and I know I have it. My father is now 86, as the last of 6 children I have been put as Power of Attorney of my fathers affairs, excutor of the will and my siblings have complete faith in my taking care of everything honestly, I am one of the main caregivers with 4 of my siblings. I have come to terms with my abuser, with my father for what he put me through and also the witnesses and my ex and her family. There is no future in the past. I know that my forgiving them has made me a better person, I am known by others around me a peaceful, loving and kind Bible lover (please don't take that as I am bragging). I am not glad for having to go through what I have, but then again I am not sure I would be who I am today if I hadn't. I still have a long way to go with my Christianity and pursuit of pleasing Jah and Christ but I know with all my heart, I have their favor and love with me. I know that they are the ones who have brought me this far. I wanted to commit suicide when my life was anything but normal, I know that it was Jah and Christ who brought me through that and will bring further in my pursuit of putting on the mind of Christ. Turn to Jah in prayer, there are many scriptures to support he is with you and the lowly. Turn to His Word and leave man made religion and all it's heartache behind, turn to the God of true comfort, Is 41:10,13 says
10 Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.
13 For I hold you by your right hand—
I, the L ord your God.
And I say to you,
‘Don’t be afraid. I am here to help you.