Raising kids in JW religion and the fall out in later years - Suggestions?

by juni 27 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

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  juni

  Satanus said:

  His main goal in conversations was and still is to prove himself right and show how much he knows. Although, he did try, on other levels, to help me and the other kids, but he had little to offer. He was basically an idiot then, and is basically an idiot, now. For example, he is always looking for people to talk w. Yet, when i start getting into conversations w him, he always interrupts me to tell me about his belief, his this, his that. I often clam up after a couple of those interruptions, sometimes i tell him that he interrupted. I have seen him doing the same w other people. In my line of work, and w some friends that i have, i have recieved wise advice from them, that was useful. While i gave him opportunities, i can't think of anything very useful that my dad told me.
  

  S

  Thank you also lonelysheep. Boy these three men sound like the same!!

  Satanus, you said that your dad was and still is concerned to prove himself right and show how much he knows.

  THAT IS EXACTLY HOW MY HUSBAND IS WITH ME AND THE KIDS!! YEP, WHAT HE HAS TO SAY IS FAR MORE IMPORTANT THAN WHAT ANYONE ELSE HAS TO SAY. WHAT THEY HAVE TO OFFER IS NOT WISDOM BUT BULL****. OFTEN TIMES IT IS EMBARASSING TO THE FAMILY WHEN HE DOES THIS. YOU FIND YOURSELF LEAVING THE ROOM OR DIVERTING THE CONVERSATION.

  Lonelysheep I don't think he'll ever GET it. It takes desire and looking in the mirror at himself and humility to make the change. He knows in his head what he should do, but can't or won't.

  Thanks for all of your help.

  Juni
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  V

  Thank you for reaching out. I immediately noticed these comments:

  My husband was a MS but went along "because of me" he said.

  My husband said that I threatened to leave if he didn't also study (which I don't remember saying).

  but said he felt he had no choice in becoming a JW. That I gave an ultimatum.

  when I wasn't around he would swear, etc

  You may not remember doing these things, but it is important to respect that this is the way he feels. By arguing back that this is him "blaming" you is disregarding the validity of his emotions.

  If you really want to motivate him to communicate with your children, try patching things up between the two of you first. Otherwise, he may continue to disregard your approach--there has to be mutual respect here.

  As XJWs we all bear some level of resentment for the religion and those who brought us into it. I know many men who became JWs for wives and girlfriends, while thinking it was just another bogus religion. If your husband did feel pressured into becoming a JW, could this show how important you were to him?

  On the other hand, the same love has been twisted into resentment because of the waste and drama your family had to go through. Then add to this that he feels pushed to fix things up with your children--by the same woman that pushed him into the religion in the first place. Could this be part of his humility problem?

  If you still love this man, try pulling instead of pushing. Ask him to communicate his feelings of how he feels about you and JWs. Accept those feelings without judgment, even if it hurts. Heal your issues as a couple and then you can help your children together.
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  Oroborus21

  How old are the kids?

  You can never go back and relive the past. The best direction is forward. You can do a lot to making up what you feel you did wrong by moving ahead. Shower them and the grandkids with love. Celebrate holidays and whatever you didn't do as a JW to the hilt.

  As for exploring their spirituality or discussing religion, God, etc. let these topics arise naturally. If you have strong views on these now share them, but in a less authoritative way than you might have as a JW. If you are still re-formulating your ideas about these things don't be afraid to tell your children that you don't have all the answers and encourage them to share their own views and to engage in their own exploration. Maybe if they express that they would like to attend some different churches or learn about some different faiths, let them know that you are willing to do it with them.

  best wishes,

  Eduardo
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  juni

  Eduardo, thanks. We have allowed the kids to chose their own paths w/o judgment. Boys don't discuss religion. Though one son (35) is involved now w/a Southern Baptist who tells him that she does'nt like his music and some friends. Don't know how that will work out. His choice though. Daughter does a lot of talking about the JW past and she has looked into all the different religions. Raising her daughter w/ a belief in a higher power whatever she feels that is and then let her decide for herself how she wants to worship God or not. None have a different religion - only attended for their wive's sake and kids.

  Ages: 38,35,31,29

  Juni

  V said:

  You may not remember doing these things, but it is important to respect that this is the way he feels. By arguing back that this is him "blaming" you is disregarding the validity of his emotions. If you really want to motivate him to communicate with your children, try patching things up between the two of you first. Otherwise, he may continue to disregard your approach--there has to be mutual respect here. As XJWs we all bear some level of resentment for the religion and those who brought us into it. I know many men who became JWs for wives and girlfriends, while thinking it was just another bogus religion. If your husband did feel pressured into becoming a JW, could this show how important you were to him? On the other hand, the same love has been twisted into resentment because of the waste and drama your family had to go through. Then add to this that he feels pushed to fix things up with your children--by the same woman that pushed him into the religion in the first place. Could this be part of his humility problem? If you still love this man, try pulling instead of pushing. Ask him to communicate his feelings of how he feels about you and JWs. Accept those feelings without judgment, even if it hurts. Heal your issues as a couple and then you can help your children together.

  Thanks V for your comments. Your avatar always gives me the willies!! lol I will PM you. Juni
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  Abandoned

  My kids are still mad at me that I let their mom get away before they could be conceived.
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  juni

  Abandoned, hi. lol Raising kids is the hardest job a person will ever have. It's life long.

  Total sacrifice, rewarding, heartbreaking, sometimes thankless, confusing.........

  Didn't someone tell you yet that a bird brings the babies??

  Juni
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  V

  juni, I really wish the best for you two and hope that you have the patience to deal with us 'males'.

  I constantly have to remind myself not to be "righteously vindicated". If my wife does something that hurts me, I quickly take the "high ground" and retreat to its unassailable position.

  It just occured to me that this might be what your husband does also, but I really have no idea--just talking from my experience.

  One thing that always destroys my house of pride, when my wife approaches me, ready to hear me rant and whine. Two things happen:

  1) I am drawn to my wife because she has made an effort to understand me and

  2) My own rants sound ridiculous as soon as they leave my lips, because of how inflated they become in the vacuum of my pride. Out in open air they are about as turgid as a popped balloon.

  In the heat of the moment it is not I, but my wife that causes this healing. She sacrifices her pride and ignors her pain to find mine. Bless her.
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  moshe

  I have come to accept that my grown son and daughter will have fallout from the witnesses for years to come. They do such a mind job on the kids- you will be a failure,etc., if you leave the KH, stuff. My daughter will be 29 next year and by then her third divorce will be final. My son wants nothing to do with the idea of marriage and a family. The bitter divorce and aftermath their JW mother put them through continues to hobble their ability to lead a fulfilling adult life. Mainly, I see it as an inability to trust people and institutions of any type. I remarried in 2000 and my wife and I adopted a little girl from Russia three years ago.I am moving on with my life. I am hoping that they will stop blaming the past for their problems and start working their future happiness,soon.
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  juni

  Moshe said:

  I have come to accept that my grown son and daughter will have fallout from the witnesses for years to come. They do such a mind job on the kids- you will be a failure,etc., if you leave the KH, stuff. My daughter will be 29 next year and by then her third divorce will be final. My son wants nothing to do with the idea of marriage and a family. The bitter divorce and aftermath their JW mother put them through continues to hobble their ability to lead a fulfilling adult life. Mainly, I see it as an inability to trust people and institutions of any type. I remarried in 2000 and my wife and I adopted a little girl from Russia three years ago.I am moving on with my life. I am hoping that they will stop blaming the past for their problems and start working their future happiness,soon.

  Thanks Moshe. My oldest son has been divorced twice. He gets involved w/wacko women. He's always so negative it sucks the life out of ya. He's a poor liar. My daughter and I have talked w/him about taking time between relationships, but he never does. My second oldest son (the bachelor) has a hard time committing. Has had very nice women he has dated. Now is w/the psycho Southern Baptist. Very much into himself. My daughter has her head on straight and won't put up w/crap from anyone. She tends to go to the extreme. My youngest son is separated from his wife of 6 years and their divorce will be finalized in a few months. He is being a very responsible Dad w/his two daughters in fact having them w/him more than his wife does.

  That's nice Moshe about you and your wife adopting the little Russian girl at your age - if that is your age. lol

  Thank you for your input. Don't get me wrong. I love all of my kids - warts and all. But I can't go back and start over. I've had discussions w/all of them together and separately - something my husband just won't do w/the boys. My daughter forced him to own up to his treatment of her and her brothers. Otherwise he wouldn't have talked w/her either.

  Juni
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  juni

  V, thank you again. I know that men retreat to their "caves" to think things over. It takes them a while "to get it". With all due respect to the male gender.

  But the difference in our case is this: when he comes back out of the cave nothing gets accomplished. TV is back on unless it was w/him in the cave which is 99.9% of the time. Back to square one. There is no progress toward working together. Nada, zip, zero.

  you had said this:

  In the heat of the moment it is not I, but my wife that causes this healing. She sacrifices her pride and ignors her pain to find mine. Bless her

  That is me. I'm the one to bring up the issues and to bring out ideas to help fix issues.

  Honestly I'm tired of it. It's like beating my head against a brick wall. When we raised our kids it was in the late ' 60s and through the ' 80s. Dad was the disciplinarian and breadwinner and mom (me) was the caregiver and nurturer. That was ALWAYS my job.

  Like I said before, I have been the enabler for him not to take responsibility in helping the kids emotionally from his standpoint of being their dad. They deserve being talked to by him and hear his "side" of the story. And then some eating of humble pie.

  Juni