The past couple of days, I've been posting a lot about how disappointed and even disgusted I am with god and how he runs his universe. I guess that probably offends some people. I don't intend to make people feel bad, but here's what's been going on in my life lately:
A week ago friday (december 15th) I confronted one of my co-workers regarding unwanted, sexual advances. He immediately denied everything and accused me of being homophobic and went as far as to make an official complaint against me. To put this into perspective, I went to him instead of going to management so we could work this out without there being any disciplinary action. He went straight to the boss which now makes my complaint look like I'm just doing it in retaliation. I don't ever remember him doing anything when anyone else was around so I feel, once again, abandoned. Yeah, a bit melodramatic, but I'm really sick and tired of this shit.
Last Friday (december 22nd) the boss and his brother sequestered me to get "my side of the story." Giving my side of the story, however, involved answering the same question about forty times. Each time I gave the same answer, but always the conversation would lead back to the same thing. They wanted to know the exact dates I felt I was harrassed and exactly what was said and done. Where we were. Who else might have been around at the time. All great questions, but I have no answers as I've been repressing this until I decided to confront him and even then I didn't think I was going to have to defend myself. Yeah, I guess I'm a bit naive.
I don't know how many more unsolvable problems I can take being tossed on top of my load. I really don't. There are some bright spots in my life, but the crap is getting to the point to where I'm losing my will to fight. I'm in debt so bad due to the whole mexican marriage and a failed suicide attempt last year, that I don't think I'll ever see myself over that hill. I didn't have the money when they put me in the hospital and I don't have it now and I don't want it either, I just don't understand how anyone could think trying to collect thirty thousand dollars from someone who's life is at a point to where they want to end it all is not a fucking red flag to maybe see if there's some program available to help. I don't get it.
I'm working two entry level jobs because the supervisor I was dating this time last year, decided that since I didn't want to go out with her, I didn't deserve my hard-earned reputation at the place we both worked at. And since our mutual boss was her friend before either of them had ever heard of me, it was a rather easy process to harrass me out. I should have stood up and fought then, but they wrote up a VA (vulnerable adult) issue against me over a medication notation error which was just pure nonsense. Basically, one night when I was in charge of medications we had a resident who was agitated and violent. The policy of the place is to not send the resident in for pshych eval unless they are violent towards another resident. If they are just violent toward staff, then we just try to keep them to themselves and monitor them. Well, this guy wouldn't let staff change his clothes or do anything so he ended up having his TEDS socks on when my shift was over, but I had signed the MAR saying that they were taken off. It's a stupid error since the care managers generally take the TEDS off. The med passer doesn't normally deal with it. Well, we did log that he was agitated and violent and that we couldn't get him into his PJs but since I didn't specifically state that his TEDS were still on, I was given a VA.
I argued that the night crew, whether I wrote a specific note or not, should also have had the responsibility of checking on him and if they were able to, they would see he still had them on (they did know we couldn't change him) and if they couldn't then it would be two shifts that weren't able to calm or help the resident and thus it obviously wasn't the fault of just one person. I wrote out my rebuttal and attached it to their complaint, but the whole thing let me know that they were going for my juggular and that eventually they were going to find something to pin on me. Such is the situation in working with elderly with extreme memory loss. Anyway, I left that job before they could completely ruin my reputation, but the whole thing left me so tired of fighting.
I don't know what else to say, but I feel that the name I chose when I signed on here, abandoned, is so very apropos of my relationship with god. I can't imagine for a second why things have to be so tough. Maybe I'm just a complainer, but I just feel so sick and tired of fighting only to find out that I've only risen up to the bottom. So if you see my posts about what a jerk god is, it isn't that I want to rain on anyone's god-loving parade, I just don't have the motivation to view him with any positive light whatsoever.